Devastated as a result of physical/emotional affair

[Hopeless23]

I’m feeling very low at the moment and have nobody in ‘real life’ that I feel able to confide in, for obvious reasons given the nature of what I’m about to disclose. Sorry for the long post, I need to get it all off my chest.

I’ve been married for 5 years and we have young children. Up until a year ago, it was a very happy marriage and I can say hand on heart that I had never so much as flirted with another man. Our life together has always been cosy, safe and content. Nothing was missing.

Then another man (a parent at the school our children attend) started showing an interest in me. I was surprised at first, being only a few months post partum and not feeling particularly attractive. I also had no interest in him and quite honestly he gave me the ‘ick’ as I knew that he too was married with young children, yet was flirting with me and very obviously trying to test the waters. I thought to myself what a scumbag he was and even told my husband about it!

This went on for a couple of months. Gradually (and looking back, inexplicably) I found myself warming to him. He was so charming, funny and we got on so well. I started looking forward to seeing him around school and receiving messages from him. One thing led to another and we started meeting up for drinks, coffees before it eventually turned physical and we slept together.

Shortly after it turned physical, his behaviour changed and he started withdrawing from me. Not messaging as much, less warm. Then he would suddenly get back in touch and be as warm and flirtatious as ever, like nothing had happened. By this time I was completely hooked on him. The uncertainty and confusion seemed to make me want him more than I ever had before, which makes no sense as it also made me horribly miserable.

This cycle of warmth and distance went on for a number of months, without anything physical happening. Then one day I confronted him about how he was making me feel and it seemed to really take him by surprise. He became emotional and said he had withdrawn because he felt scared and guilty about what we had done. Said he had real feelings for me. We kissed, and more, and it felt so much deeper this time.

Then he withdrew again - physically - but this time he kept communicating with me and said the guilt of the physical affair was too much for him. He said he didn’t want to lose our emotional connection as he had realised he loved me. This triggered yet more confusion and hurt on my side. I felt rejected and couldn’t understand why he was okay with the ‘emotional’ affair if he was suddenly so concerned with the immorality of it all.

He continues to message me, calls me babe and gorgeous, tells me he’s thinking of me, wants to see me, all that stuff but without the sex.

Meanwhile my husband has no idea about any of this and I am wracked with guilt along with the realisation that if I confess, I will implode his life and our children’s lives. I recognise that I am utterly selfish and have behaved appallingly. Yet somehow, I continue to be completely obsessed with and plagued by thoughts of this man. Every time he contacts me, my heart leaps and it’s like a ‘quick fix’ despite knowing that within a few hours I will feel shit again. I feel like I am head over heels in love with him but a part of me can also see how absurd and foolish this is.

I don’t know what to do, as I don’t want to destroy his family or mine, but my husband deserves to know what a piece of shit he married, and I feel like I will never be happy again, to the point that suicide feels like the only way out at the moment.

Cold turkey. You need to block him and move on from this mentally. You can’t talk to him anymore. He doesn’t actually make you happy in anyway, it’s just a chemical reaction to the hot/cold communication and the drama. You need to stop all of it. Stop imagining anything about him and stop replaying it. Fully distance with zero communication.
No need for anyone to get hurt or any family to be broken up because of something so stupid, If you stop this now altogether.

Please, please do not do anything foolish.

Nothing has happened that you cannot come back from.

Please make an appointment to see a counsellor and talk through everything.

I feel that you might just be suffering from postnatal depression. Tou sad tgis started shortly after you had a baby.

Obviously, having an affair is a bad thing but not the worst. You need to get away from, and stay away from, this man.

I think a counsellor can help you to see a way through this mess.

End it. Do not talk to him again.
Get some therapy. If you think an affair will destroy your family, what do you think your suicide will do? Get help, for your children’s sake.

It's created an addiction, you're literally addicted to the dopamine hit of it all , the validation in the moment... like other types of addiction you're left with remorse, self-loathing etc.
Phew this is a trivky one. Obviously the situation with the guy is NOT good for you or your family, you know that. I think you need to go cold turkey.
I think the best and first thing to do would be get yourself into some regular therapy, not one of those counsellors who just goes "mm-hm"... check out reviews, maybe try a few different ones. You're going to have big decisions to make down the line, e.g. whether you are going to tell your husband or not and if so, when and how...
And to help you , with how this has impacted your mental health and so on (which has left you in a vicious circle of low self-esteem and therefore more vulnerable to continuing the affair).
One step at a time. The emotional affair is not helping anyone. Of course u know it is all horribly unfair to your husband.
This guy HAS targetted you and pursued you knowing you were both married with young kids if you could get to a level of anger about that it might help you break free but i do understand that all your negative feelings at present are directed towards yourself. Please do get therapy to help you extricate yourself . One step at a time. Good luck!

Sounds like your postpartum hormone shifts have led to some pretty bad decision making… you absolutely need to remove yourself from the situation. No communication with the man at all, as awkward as that might be across the playground it’s the only way to drag yourself out of this mess. If you love your husband and want to keep your family together, you need to actively choose them - every day. The man also sounds like a POS; trying his luck when he’d be aware of your postpartum vulnerability, love bombing, getting his way then dropping you like a hot coal. You need to stop this now, clear your head and try to move on. Choose your life, choose your husband and choose your family.

Yes just to add, he really did target you when you were vulnerable and probably had PND and he love bombed you.
You WILL be able to put it behind you but deffo get the therapy , you need a sympathetic good counsellor and you deserve to get the help.

This is a limerence type situation brought on by him lovebombing you with attention and then withdrawing it and then coming back again. It creates a cycle that makes you dependent on his attention to feel good. This is classic manipulator stuff. You’ve made a big mistake but you are not in love with this man. I’d suggest reading up on limerence as it really does sound like what’s going on here. The only answer is to go no contact.

I'll get stick for this but I don't care.

You need to tell your husband everything.

People talk and eventually it will get back to him.

Your husband deserves the truth, remember your marriage vows.
If you were writing to say that your husband had had an affair, most people would be saying to leave him, it's only the same thing, but you're the one with the affair.

This situation will never work out well for you op. It will just be ongoing turmoil and misery. You don’t have a future together and even if you did it wouldn’t turn out to be the fairy tale that your mind is conjuring up right now. It would be a shit show.

Your dh and dc deserve better. You deserve better. Not many people get the level of sympathy you’ve had so far on here after admitting to an affair. But it’s clear you are struggling emotionally and mentally. You need therapy and to totally disengage with this man. Whether or not your marriage can survive is another matter but at the very least you need to cut him off now.

Echoing that its limerance.
Also that he has loved the chase and once it all seemed to go a bit cold then the chase was on again for him.
It's made you feel good at times but its just your egos being boosted. It's not the love you will feel for your husband..
Look, we all make mistakes especially when we're vulnerable. Just end contact with him. Don't tell your husband. Just move forward, maybe get some counselling and just be grateful you haven't been discovered..
Your dcs need you so be there for them and your dh. Don't beat yourself up. 💐

@MrFlintstone
OP may want or need to tell her husband somewhere further down the line. That’s not really priority right now when a mother of very small children is feeling suicidal fgs.

I echo other posters OP, cold turkey from this man. He’s a bad person. You’ve made a mistake, you’re human, this doesn’t need to define you/ take over your life. 💐

I agree with everything in the 2nd part of your reply, however, I still think the OP should tell her husband, (who is now part of this without knowing), before he gets told by some unknown busybody. We all know about school gate gossips.