What do you do if you know your DH would NEVER seek professional help about your marriage.

[Ladytophamhatt]

I started this thread earlier and reading it back to myslef I can see that its never going to change.

Dh will alway be more loyal to his family and never stand up for me. I feel like I'm going aroudn in circles, while he doesn't see any problem.

Our relationship isn't the best marriage in teh world but we do love each other. I often feel like he critisizes everything I say or do or that nothing is ever quite good enough for him.
He simply cannot see there is a problem.

Kind of like its his way or nothing.

Obviously, I can only give youmy side of teh story and I'm quiet aware that some of tehtime I blow things up out of all proportion but....Oh I don't know.

I just don't knwo what to do.

He woudl never talk to anyone outside our marriage about teh way I view it and if he did he certainly wouldn't want anyone to knwo about it (so we couldn't ask anyone to babysit) so theres no way of resolving it anyway.

I've had lots of advice over teh years about me and Dh and I don't think things have really changed.

All the stuff I said in the other trhead makes me think I'mfighting a losing battle.

hello again.

I told him that we need to see someone about us. I said its not going to work by just pretending anymore. I don't like stuff about him, he doesn't liek stuff about me.....I'm so tired of it.

He thinks I shoudl be somekind of superwoman at home and I'm too tired to achieve half of what he wants/expects.....I'm not sure I want to achieve it either.

anyway, he'd rather pretend that everything was hunkydory. He won't go and see anyone.

(he;'s just taking teh boys to school so if I vaniash again it coz he's back)

Read this first thing and have been thinking about it. You sound tired and fed up with the whole thing. I would say that counselling isn't compulsary in these sits, I think many (if not most) long term relationships go through bad patches and not everyone goes down the counselling route. But you need to find some way of thinking and talking things through. Can you be frank with your DH? Ratehr than saying 'X annoys/hurts me' or 'we need to do something about Y', say 'I am tired and depressed BUT I love you and want to do something about this before our relationship goes to pot. What do you suggest?' You both need to work at it, but then you need to find a route both of you are comfortable with. Hope that makes some sense...

it dioes make sense effie, butI think we've grown into 2 totally diff people.
It sliek we're not compatable anymore

Only you and your DH know exactly what is going on, but all the problems sound like little, hurtful things that have built up to a big ISSUE. God knows I find it hard enough to work on my marriage (and all marriages need work IME) with one kid, let alone four. I suppose you both need to decide if you want to work at this and if so, how. It's such a shitty and frustrating situation to be in

Why can't you go to counselling on your own? I think it woudl help. My brother and his wife went through a bad patch, yes they did have counselling together for a short while but my brother actually found individual counselling more helpful - from the outside, I can't really see that anything much has changed in the relationship (she still treats him like s* as far as I can see...) but he feels much happier in himself, which certainly counts for something. I think it has given him coping strategies and also made him see more clearly that he has choices, and also I think shown him how he contributes to patterns of behaviour and can choose whether or not to continue that contribution.
I really think that getting yourself some help and support has got to be useful, even if only to clarify your options. Got to be worht exploring everything with four children involved, surely?

I think I'm going to have to go alone. He wouldn't go, not in a million years.

We spoke again about it and he said we just need top make an effort to be nicer to each other, which is true but it still doesn't change anything.

Off on a tangent abit but appaerntly, BIL asked him yesterday what he wanted to do with MILs antiques(lots ofthem worth ££££££). They are all still packed away in boxes since tehy emptied her house.
He said "i don't suppose you'd want any at home woudl you?"

I said "Yes, as long as you let me smash them all to smytherines as a form of therepy"

I would take great pleasure in doing it too.

He also said that BIl had offered to have the children for teh weekend, so that he came take we away somewhere, and that the money BIl paid yesterday shoudl be used to buy me something nice.

Which isall lovely but why does he need someone else to prompt him. BIL can obv see how Dh is with me. Maybe I've been abit to harsh on BIL....

I agree you need to make a pact and keep it. If you deride me, I will not do so and so for you, type of thing. Mil / Bil's behaviour is clearly not bothering him because it hasn't affected him yet. Let it affect him, let him have to pay somehow, and he may reconsider defending you as and when necessary.

LTH just dropping in late!

Don't forget that respect and an equal partnership are what you can and should expect in a marriage - not something you ask for and he chooses to give you or not.

If he doesn't consult you on big decisions, that is just not good enough. As his wife you are his equal.

Re the house - I only have one child and when I'm being a SAHM with him (pt) I don't do housework. My job is looking after DS, taking him out, and we do errands such as food shopping, but I don't do housework at all, why should I? I'm busy, as my DP is when he's at work. IMO that's a job for me and DP to share in our spare time, or alternatively get a cleaner. You have 4 DSs! I think you need to take a step back and just look at how much unreasonableness you've got used to, and just say you will not do it. Your DH seems to think he can just brush your feelings aside. Can you address that - don't accept it, say "You seem to be ignoring/brushing aside what I have just said. Why is that?" Pin him down. At the moment he's getting away with saying basically "Eh, whatever, shut up dear." That's not your fault, but you can stop accepting it and hammer home that it is him who needs to wake up to the reality of how he's treating you.

That is a good point snowleopard, re the house and what he sees as my 'job'

I'm exhausted today....I need to get some early nights but always tend to do the majority of housework once teh boys are in bed, once its all done I then get my time to relax...I don't want to go to bed when I#m finished because then its straight into the next day without a break IYSWIM.

I have my friends little boy here today too so its going to be full on all day.

Could you start by discussing getting a cleaner (if you can afford a boat, you can afford a cleaner - even just for a trial period or to give you a break)? You could use it as an exercise for you to make a joint decision and for him to take on board that what you want and need, how you see things, is just as important as his needs and POV.

I always think, when people live alone and have a f-t job, they are still responsible for their own house and cleaning. Looking after kids is a f-t job, therefore if you have kids, you are both working and the housework is the responsibility of you both. The only situation I can think of where one partner should do more housework is if they have no kids, are fit and healthy and aren't going to work.

You are raising 4 children, you need a break in the evening.

LTH, does he actually have any idea how unhappy you are? How close are you to walking away? And does he realise he could potentially lose you?

I totally sympathise with you. He's taking you for granted, and that's just not on. Maybe you should go for counselling on your own, and tell him you're going regardless of his approval or disapproval. You certainly can't be accused of not caring about your marriage. It sounds to me like he can be accused of just that.

I think the time is coming for an ultimatum. I don't know if that's neccessarily the mature, adult approach, but you're clearly so down about this that something has to be done, and followed through, if you're going to get the message across.

Sorry you're going through this.