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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i feel like no one respects me

24 replies

247 · 30/06/2008 09:38

dh is quite rude to me and belittles me. When I tell him to stop being so rude to me he just says "I am not" and "thats your opinion". To me that just sounds like a get out clause and a free rein to carry on regardless. He is really hurting me and doesnt accept it at all. I need his respect and just don't know how to get it. DC have their moments of tslking back and it really hurts. DH says it is because I shout at them and I do but only after I have asked them to do something for the 3rd or 4th time. How do I get over being so hurt and gain respect and a sense of value to the family. I feel I have neither at the moment

OP posts:
mumblechum · 30/06/2008 09:39

How old are your children, and what are your sanctions for disciplining them?

As for your dh, is this a long term problem, or just at the moment?

Alambil · 30/06/2008 09:41

IME you can't make someone respect you; it either comes automatically, or it doesn't and if it doesn't, only you can change the situation.

DC are different; they need to be told that when they talk back it is rude and you won't tollerate it - I shout at DS sometimes but he doesn't back chat me - he knows it's unacceptable and he'll be punished if he does

They are learning it from your H's example. Shouting doesn't result in rude back-chat normally, unless it's very often or very severe

Amphibimum · 30/06/2008 09:42

tell him you need to talk at some point soon. this will make him realise you have something important to say.
then when you talk explain it how you did the OP. tell him how you feel.
if he carries on regardless then youre going to have to stand up for yourself, im afraid. if they dont offer you respect, you need to demand it.
i couldnt live with someone who did this to me day in day out. personally, id rather be single.

Original poster
247 · 30/06/2008 09:58

Its been going on for years (from DH). DC are 8 and 12. I feel like DH has chipped away at me for years and it has affected my confidence which I am just about to seek help for. DH is horrid enough to say "if I am so bad why do you stay" and yes I am sure the DC have picked up his bad ways.

OP posts:
electra · 30/06/2008 10:09

It sounds familiar 247, my husband used to say those things to me too. We are not together any more. I agree with those who say it's not possible to make someone like you...

Alambil · 30/06/2008 10:09

Call his bluff - if things don't change, you won't stay (but mean it).

You deserve more than to be treated as the maid.

electra · 30/06/2008 10:10

sorry I meant respect you, in the same way you can't make someone like you...

Alambil · 30/06/2008 10:10

Has it got worse since you've been looking for help with your confidence?

Original poster
247 · 30/06/2008 10:15

First of all, I could not call his bluff. He would not believe me if I said I was leaving and secondly, even if it killed him he would not stop me. He has more pride than the rest of britain put together which is complete and utter s*. My problem is I cannot leave. I cannot share custody of the DC. I am so totally obsessed with them I could not bear to be parted from them for a weekend. DC think DH is fantastic. I also think that becasue DH provides for us, he can call all the shots.

OP posts:
Original poster
247 · 30/06/2008 10:16

He doesnt know I am going to see a counsellor. I used to go a few years ago, he sort of laughed and said something along the lines of "did it do you any good?"

OP posts:
Alambil · 30/06/2008 10:25

But you provide for the family; you cook, clean, raise the kids... you aren't a silent partner in this relationship. You contribute too.

Original poster
247 · 30/06/2008 10:29

Lewisfan, yes I know about my contribution, but he obviously looks down on me. I said that to him too, his response was "thats your opinion" . We dont even have physical relationship anymore, that ended a year ago and that hasnt helped me feel good about myself. Hence I am going to counselling. I feel very sad that our lives have reached this point. He has grown in success and I feel I have dwindled into a worthless mess

OP posts:
maidamess · 30/06/2008 10:39

247 what do you do for you that doesn't revolve around the children? It sounds like everyone else in your family needs to see you as more than a doormat for them to abuse.

If you could start to build up your own sense of self worth and not be there for them ALL the time, their respect for you may grow because they have to fend for themselves a bit more often.

What interests do you have? Or friends you could go out with regularly, just to get a bit of you time.

Original poster
247 · 30/06/2008 10:49

Yes I am ALWAYS there for them all. My Me time comes into play during the day when they are at sch/work. DH manages them very well without me, he told me so when I had to go away for a weekend. Told me what a good time they had and that DD attitude turned (bit grumpy and rude) only when I cam home. Maybe I should go away for good and leave them all.

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saintpeta · 30/06/2008 11:05

Oh 247 i feel for you. First what ever your interests are or were take them up again - take a course one evening a week start doing things for yourself-your family will start to respect you for yourself in time. It sounds as if they are taking you for granted. Your DH needs to listen and perhaps if you put some subtle changes to your own life things may get better. Are you still in love with him? Perhaps consider writing him letter....I sometimes remind my dh of my home responsibilities by emailing him a list of everything I do for the family and its a very long list! Perhaps if he sees it in black and white this may help. Build up your own self confidence first get a funky new haircut keep smiling....even if you feel down it may trick your brain into thinking you're happy. Chin up

Original poster
247 · 30/06/2008 11:18

Thanks saintpeta. I dont think DH will ever listen (except to himself). If I wrote a letter he would do the same as if I speak to him, question "why I am here if he is so bad", I'm a loser on every count. I keep a great house, raise the DC, Keep myself in shape, groomed etc, dinner on table, clothes washed and ironed, short of going I really dont know what else I can do

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Original poster
247 · 30/06/2008 11:22

quite often I believe he secretly wants me to go and then he can 'blame me'. he is a very successful and manipulative man. I dont think he is sad and feeling bad he is out all work doing his business, going places, meeting new people, having a great time, he loves it. Little wifey sits here and does it all and feels low and sad, why on earth would he feel the way I do. He has absolutely no reason to go.

OP posts:
saintpeta · 30/06/2008 13:32

and where would you go? could you find yourself a house? and support 2 kids have you got financial power? or if you asked him to leave even just temporarily do you think it would help? do you think he would care? he keeps batting the ball to your court as he doesnt have to make any decisions or take responsibility i find this cowardly. if you own a house is your name on it? please protect yourself financially. he's not helping you so you must be strong act now and take the lead.

Original poster
247 · 30/06/2008 13:35

He is rich and would def take care of us, but yes, I agree, he is just 'batting the ball to my court' rather than treat me with respect and sort things out. I reckon he thinks he is Mr Big a I have the problem, not him

OP posts:
saintpeta · 30/06/2008 14:03

Apply for a p/t job too ...

papaver · 30/06/2008 14:56

Seem to have lost a msg in the ether so trying again. Can really empathise with you 247 as my dh has also had a habit of telling me I'm a crap mum etc. What has kept me going is a good network of friends and a longterm hobby I've hung onto tenaciously despite considerable opposition. This has enabled me to maintain the self-esteem he would otherwise of knocked out of me. Is there something new you fancy trying or something you had to give up before becoming a sahm. If cash is not too much of a problem how about a course of some sort - train as a private pilot even! Ignore the bit about he can manage well - my dh looks after our dd for occasional days and despite telling me how easy it is, how lucky I am and how much he enjoys it, he is always more grumpy and tired afterwards, never manages to do anything else and rarely uses the no word. Fine for the odd day but hardly great for long-term! I have also been accused of shouting and it is hard if you don't get back-up but again my dh is the one who has completely lost it and really shouted and thrown things when left to deal with minor tantrums. They are rarely as good as they think they are and you are worth far more than you feel you are at the moment!
good-luck and hugs

BalloonSlayer · 30/06/2008 15:31

If you say to him "You are rude to me/belittle me." and he replies with "that's your opinion." - why not say something along the lines of:

"Of COURSE it's my opinion. This is about my feelings. You don't think you are being rude/belittling me. That's YOUR opinion. But you seem to think that it's your opinion that is the important one. Would you not agree that one person constantly proclaiming that their opinion is more important than another person's is belittling that other person?"

You could add "When we got married I loved you and worshipped you. That was an opinion as well." (Make sure you use the past tense to wind him up and don't mention how you feel about him now, let him stew)

If he goes on to say "If I am so bad, why are you still here?" Bat it straight back at him. Ask him: "What are you saying? Are you saying you would rather we split up than change the way you speak to me?" (Although that could get you an answer you won't like)

You could even say to that "Now that you mention it, I am thinking of seeing a solicitor." but don't say what about. Seeing a solicitor isn't "calling his bluff" by leaving, it is one small step towards perhaps making that move one day.

I do think you should see a solicitor for some advice actually. You seem so unhappy. You might find their advice encouraging which could give you the strength to stand up to him.

Ivegotaheadache · 30/06/2008 16:00

That's brilliant balloonslayer! I need you to write a little script for me when i argue with dh

Original poster
247 · 02/07/2008 21:57

Thank you papaver, I do keep up with friends (I need them for my sanity) and I goout, gym etc, none of which he minds at all. BalloonSlayer, some very good responses, I am going to keep those in mind, thankyou. I did throw back at him the other day, to quote his own words, 'thats your opinion'. It didnt go down too well, accused me of being childish [hmmm], I thought long long ago I had married a man, not a child!!!

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