dh is driving me insane-need to do something

[growlinggertie]

i am very happily married, two lovely kids -we've always been solid-have our ups and downs like everyone but nothing serious.

However at the moment he is driving me insane. he is really irritating me and i feel so frustrated with him sometimes.
example. we were invited to a friends house for drinks and a bit to eat the other day. after a while the adults decided to mover into the garden where it was cooler and so the children could watch a dvd without the noise of us chatting. so we all go outside-except him! he went and sat on the sofa with the kids and didn't come out untili went i in after 30 mins and asked him to come out. he doesn't seem to realise how anti social it is.

today we went see his gran who he hasn't seen for ages and he was reading the paper instead of talking to her and i had to say 'gran is talking to you'

it's like other people are just too much effort.
there are loads of other things too and i don't know if i'm just being touchy.
we keep blowing up infront of the kids-bickering and i don't like it! i don't want the kids hearing us bickering all the time.

i want to talk to him but don't want to seem like i'm just wading in with a load of criticism. how do i do that?

bump!

oh come on! surely it's not that dull?

hey growl. i am by my own admission a demanding old cow and appalling at relationships however i am bumping this for you.

p.s. imo for what its worth why dont you arrange a sitter for the night, go out to dinner and try and just ask if everything is ok with him as you have felt that recently things are great between you.

my dp is exactly like this too including the reading the paper thing.

my dp is at times very shy even with people he knows and to others it must seem really rude.

was he like it before or is it a recent thing?

well he's never been the most social of peole but i think it has got worse.

we went camping with friends the other week. were all sitting out with wine , having a chat and he took the kids to bed and just never came back. i went to check on him after a while and he was asleep in bed. hadn't said goodnight or anything.
i find myself having to apologise for him or make excuses or little jokes but inside i am so angry and embarassed.

Isn't that what most men are like? Most men I know anyway.

All the women sit around gas bagging and the men grunt from behind their papers. Are you ashamed of him that he reflects badly on you? If so, he doesn't.

Why not just accept him as a grumpy git and stop apologising for him. Other folk might not even notice.

gg I do empathise but dont think it sounds all that bad. Probably a combination of tiredness, shyness and falling into a pattern of behaviour (I recogise some of it in myself actually). Can you encourage him by saying 'we really missed you, would love you to have stayed etc?'

but this wans't just the women-all the guys were there too. having a laugh and then he just disappears.

it does reflect badly on me i think yes. he is my husband and he is rude.

that sounds v much like my dh ......

It doesn't reflect on you. it refelcts on him. Your'e not responsible for him. People prob just think 'Oh XXX's has gone off with the kids' thats what i would think. I wouldn't think 'How rude!! What a terrible marriage they must have, she must be so ashamed!'

I find a gentle piss taking eases the situation when my dh is having one of his Meldrew moments.

what do you do then windygales?

i have a go afterwards and then he has a go back and then it's shouting at each other and the kids are looking at us as if to say 'wtf?'

Then I am rude... I know I just get to a point where my energy levels plummet and I think nobody will notice anyway if I sneak off - quite often saying goodnight involves air kissing etc some people are not happy with going through tis ritual.

The paper reading thing.. well perhaps he is comfortable with his aunt and she understands him.

The sitting in with kids is either shyness or he wanted to be with them for a bit - which is fine actually.

I am a very sociable person but on my own terms.

i just don't see reading the paper at your grans when she hasn'tseen you for 12 months and not listening when she is talking is acceptable.

maybe the being with the kids thing is ok and i'm over reacting.

I probably wouldnt do that - but some people dont know how to do small talk.

generally i say to him before we go anywhere dont get moody and i ask him questions whilst we are there to force him to chat if we have guests i disapear frequently 'checking' on the children leaving him as 'host' but its now reached the stage bcos our children are older the minute he gets up in the evening the children say 'are u going to bed dd?'

on new years eve he slipped away to bed at 10pm leaving me with half the neighbours that really did cause trouble but our sons were saying he shouldnt have done it too ive told him its ignorant and bad mannered.

I think either you sit down and have a really honest chat about what is bothering you (and I not sure if its the embaressment thing, or the fact that you think he should want to behave like everyone else)

OR

You accept he's not as sociable as you. And forget about trying to change him or justify to others what he's doing. Just enjoy yourself.

well it all turned into a row last night and we ended up with mugs of tea having a big discussion.
he acknowledged that he was rude to his gran. he said he was tired when we were camping and i pointed out that all he had to do was say 'i'm off to bed everyone-see you in the morning' and then i wouldn't be left feeling like a lemon wondering when he was coming back!

lots of other stuff came up and we seem to have cleared the air a bit anyway!

gawd- I recognise this... bloody nightmare! I wholeheartedly commiserate at having to deal with a socially inept individual. It's the fact that they don't even think about the impact on you- thoughtless and selfish.

And he can't be THAT unsociable if he's prepared to go camping with other people/host NY parties etc.

My dh puts on the effort when I arrange things with other people to keep me happy, but if it was up to him he wouldn't organise anything.

My dh is like this.
My ex H was like this.
My dad was like this.
My brother is like this.

I commiserate heartilly and don't think there is a solution I am afraid!