advice, suggestions, support required

[prettyfly1]

ok ladies, as you all know i split from the ex permanently after he posted on here about who and what i wasnt to him. still feeling fairly strong although it is hard and am seeing therapist to help me work through the anger of it all.

the problem i am having that i could use some thoughts on is our son. He is three years old. he loves his daddy and asks anyone who will listen when he can see him again. he bit another child at nursery this week in the hope that i will call his dad - he asked me to get him to tell him off instead. he is a lovely little boy but after the best part of a year of how he is second best, xp cant bond with him and being told any time looking after him is a favour to me,plus all the mental damage xps abuse has caused i really dont want him anywhere near the boy. he is amazing with him but cruel about him behind his back and mucks him abotu appallingly so its just not an option. I asked xp to explain he was going away for a little while and he told his three year old he would see him when he was grown up. in other words he is crap and liable to make things worse if i ask him to talk to him - he would also continue to use it as a way to punish and control me which i cant have anymore.

i dont want my son to hate his dad - he doesnt need to know the truth and ultimately it was my choice to remove his father from the situation so i have written him a letter as his dad just telling him how much he loves him, misses him but has to be away for nowand explaining that its not his fault and not to be sad. is this a good idea? he misses him so much and its breaking my heart to see but i cannot let his father into his life again. he is abusive mentally, cruel to me and nearly destroyed our lives. help.

Never been in this situation but i'd say honesty is the best policy. Personally i wouldnt go with the letter as it could cause problems later. It probably wouldnt pacify ds anyway - 3 year olds think very differently to adults. I'd try to tell him as much of/closeto the truth as possible in a way he'd understand. Is all contact completely out of the question?

What is the legal position here? Surely your XP has rights as a father? I'm sorry that I don't know- if he was your DH he would have- but as an XP, I don't know.

I find it slightly odd that a 3 yr old can have enough maturity to ask to be told off by his dad- I can see he wants his dad's attention, but I can't see how he has the maturity to misbehave in the hope of being told off by dad- unless dad has always been the person to lay down the law when he was around?

If I were you, I'd keep it simple- the letter is too complex and is basically a lie- why do that?

Can't you just say that daddy can't see him for a while, but will later on? You don't need give any more details except those.

On a more practical front, how are you going to keep your XP away, especially if he thinks he has a right to see his son- I can't see how you can hope to stop him really, no matter how bad dad he is in your opinion.

We can't always prevent our kids from having contact with their fathers, just because after they are born we think their father is not the person we thought they were.

If he insists on seeing him you would be best to discuss his behaviour with him and try to act maturely, in the best interests of the child- I am sure you are already, but he needs to do his bit too.

yeah i think so. my mum suggested that if she were to contact him and arranged visits with her there would this be a solution but xp wouldnt do it. ds tried to run away to find him on his bike a couple of weeks ago - xp knew about it as the police were called to try and find him - i went in to the house to answer the phone and he slipped out through a gap under the fence, we live in a maze of houses and i called them instantly rather then wait not knowing what had happened and they had to call him to check why he would be trying to find him - and he didnt call or even text to check he was alright. the circumstances are long and boring but he didnt want our son and feels his existence is responsible for his life being a mess - he openly resents him so he is happy to have nothing to do with us.

hiya - its not a question of keeping him away - he doesnt want to know him and the reason my son has made the connection between being told off and his father is that when he was naughty once before his dad came rounds after being away for weeks to explain to him that it wasnt ok.

also i would like to say that if xp were to stand up and show that much effort to be part of his sons life i would be the happiest person on earth and it would never ever go to a legal situation. its just not the case.

well just cut all contact- change phone numbers, etc etc and don't allow him near his son.

Tell your son dad has moved/gone away. When he is older you can tell him the truth.

girl my situation is a nightmarishly complicated one. xp was not involved in first two years of ds life as didnt want him. i allowed him in as really really wanted ds to have a dad and thought that they would be good for each other. after eight months of hell on earth and turning into someone i didnt even recognise i am sick of begging him to recognise his son. its not a situation where he was always involved and pays and is a kind and loving father. he isnt wasnt and never will be. i feel for the men who go through that and are and believe you me if there was any way i could make this right for my son i would but i cant force him to be a good dad to his son or any dad for that matter. i hope that makes a little more sense.

hi girl - thats what i have done. i have a new mobile number i have changed address, come off the electoral register to hide and have even stopped seeing my friends as they were the same group as his. trying for a totally fresh start and thats exactly what was said to my son but he is a persistent little boy. does anyone have experience of this - how did you handle it and is there a right way to make it easier for the child to bear. i love my son and its so not nice to watch him go through this.

Well prettyfly- if XP wasn't involved for the first two years then DS won't have formed crucial attachments to him that would cause him damage if they were broken. If XP goes out of his life he will be sad for a while but it won't mess him up the way it would if you did, or if XP had been involved since birth.
Tell DS that XP has gone away and you don't know when he will be back. He will be upset and play up but he will get used to it and forget him, essentially. It's sad for DS but it won't destroy him, and the longer he doesn't see him for the less it will matter to him.

thanks kat. i think thats kind of what i wanted to hear. he does love him and is sad and playing up. the whole letter idea was to try and make it easier as he got older but i think your right. keep up the story as i have been and then explain the truth when he is old enough to understand.