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Relationships

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Original poster

Dp has sort of proposed...

25 replies

LaDiDaDi · 28/06/2008 23:16

Short version...

Have been with dp for about 6 years, we have dd aged 2.
In the time that we have been together there have been several times when I have wanted him to ask me to marry him; when I got pregnant with dd (even though whjen we ttc I said I wasn't bothered, secretly I was a bit), when I had dd, at each Xmas and birthday since before dd, when dd was one and we had a fabn huge party for her..

Now yes I could have asked him but since we had dd it has been pretty clear that I've wanted to get married so really it was up to him.

Yesterday was my big 30 and a few weeks ago when he asked what I wanted for my bday he said "I'm not going to propose so you can forget about that." I was very hurt both by his tone of voice and what I felt that this said about our relationship. Last night we were out for my bday and a couple of our friends told us that they had got engaged at the weekend. I was very happy for them as they are an excellent match but I felt sad that dp didn't feel like that about me.
During our meal dp started to ask me if I liked x's ring and how did it compare to y's etc etc. I pointed out to him that it was irrelevant as he wasn't going to propose.

Tonight he is out with his friends. He rang me and suggested we go to pick a ring.

Am I being stupid to feel upset? I love him but I just feel like I've wanted this for so long and he's just thought it's a good idea because his mate has done it and it doesn't feel about me and him at all. I feel somehow like a fool. He says that he can't win with me.

Opinions please.

OP posts:

Original poster

LaDiDaDi · 28/06/2008 23:16

Haha, I clearly lied about it being a short version .

OP posts:

Dior · 28/06/2008 23:18

Message withdrawn

Original poster

LaDiDaDi · 28/06/2008 23:20

So I am being the girl who cut off her nose to spite her face.

Friends didn't have romantic proposal either. Her ring fell out of his pyjama pocket when they were watching brekkie tv together. He had been keeping it with him at all times so that she wouldn't find it.

OP posts:

eidsvold · 28/06/2008 23:24

i did not have the romantic proposal either although it was a surprise with ring. I think the whole birthday time may have been that everyone is expecting it at those times and he does not want to feel pressured to do it when everyone expects it.

I am with Dior - this is what you wanted - to get married and he is suggesting you go out together and pick a ring.

Maybe seeing your friends together sparked something in him and he thought - yup that is what I want.

theinsider · 28/06/2008 23:26

Oh god tried to reply but too drunk toformulate a good reply.

Basically - go with it, men are generally a bit crap, if you're waiting for a fabulous proposal in Mauristian beaches with ring in a shell then with most men you'll be waiting a while. He sounds like a decent enough chap, accept that this is his proposal, and if yiu love him them then say yes please and go to bed and have a cuddle.

Original poster

LaDiDaDi · 28/06/2008 23:27

I suppose that I just want to be sure that he is doing it because he loves me and wants to be with me forever rather than because it's what everyone else is doing and he is following in some sheep-like manner, though that would not be normal behaviour for him to be fair.

I've tried to explain how I feel to him on the phone and he didn't get upset he just seems confused which is fair enough really after all I am too.

OP posts:

Aitch · 28/06/2008 23:30

if it's a romantic proposal you're after, you'll be looking for a gay man to marry. dh is not romantic in that sense, but he makes me cups of tea and is a good pair of arms on a bad day. that's romance imo.

Original poster

LaDiDaDi · 28/06/2008 23:31

Going to get in the shower and then go to bed. Won't see him until tomorrow so will have to think about what I will say, though it won't be a "No".

Maybe I'm just overthinking it all. Had a really stressful day today, see thread on looking for a lost passport.

OP posts:

Dior · 28/06/2008 23:33

Message withdrawn

Aitch · 28/06/2008 23:33

have a nice shower, think about cups of tea and if he treats you well and if you love him with all your heart... then you'll have your answer. congratulations.

theinsider · 28/06/2008 23:35

Men don't think like that(excusegeneralisations!)

I had no romantic proposal. We realsied we were starting to plan the wedding so though "we'd beter go and buy a ring then". A romantic propsal means nothing. So what if it's because other people have got engaged. It's natural for people to want to do the same as other people. If he's suggesting you aget married and you're in favour of that idea then forget any dream of romanmce. A considered approach says more about the relationship anyway.

theinsider · 28/06/2008 23:36

Excuse my drunken typos!

BalloonSlayer · 29/06/2008 13:28

Aww. I feel like the lone dissenting voice here. I think I'd feel the same as you.

I'd want him to answer this question.

"You said 'I'm not going to propose so you can forget about that' and I felt sad. Now you are suggesting we get a ring. Why?"

And see what he says.

It might just be that he hates the thought of doing something just when it's expected of him.

(At least you didn't end up with the ring as your birthday present. I've always thought that was a bit of a cop out.)

ShowOfHands · 29/06/2008 13:38

Congratulations.

When dh proposed to me we were in bed (just sitting I hasten to add), it was 7am and he was droning on about money and savings. I'd sort of stopped listening and he said 'so?' I realised he'd asked something. I in all honesty thought that perhaps it was if I wanted a cup of tea and replied with a cheery 'yes please'. He realised I hadn't heard the question and said 'well, I'll get your attention next time I suggest we get married, shall I?'

I am not exaggerating.

I was gutted that I'd missed it and a bit peeved that there were no hearts and flowers. He did tell me afterwards that he'd planned to do it on holiday, on the beach at sunset (we were 2 weeks away from going to Spain) but it didn't seem like 'him' and it just felt like the right moment.

Well, we did get married and after 10yrs together, I don't care a jot about the proposal. He makes cups of tea, phones just because during the working day, cooks, cleans, talks, compliments, listens etc. He is a wonderful husband and he's not hearts and flowers at all but he's a true partner during good times and bad and that's romance.

Spero · 29/06/2008 15:07

I agree with everything said about not holding out for the big romantic wotsit, but the thing that gives me pause is that he said 'i'm not going to propose, you can forget about that'. I do think you deserve an explanation for that, it sounds a bit hostile...

But on the other hand, if you know in your heart that you love him and he loves you maybe he was just confused and on the back foot.

Sorry not very helpful. But I don't know what tone of voice he said it in (but I note you were hurt by it). My ex said that to me in a very angry email and it was the final nail in the coffin of that relationship.

Original poster

LaDiDaDi · 29/06/2008 17:05

We talked about it a bit more today.

He says that when he saw how happy I was for our friends it made him realise how much it would mean to me and that it was the right thing to do. He also says that he wanted to do it in his own time and not when he felt like he was "being told to".

I suppose I want him to tell me that he was a fool not to ask me earlier .

He wants me to tell him what kind of ring that I'd like and then he will get it and "surprise" me with it. I'd always thought that I liked Emerald cut rings but I want the stone to be flush with the ring and I don't think that you can get one like that so he will be looking for a while unless I change my mind and go for a round cut stone.

OP posts:

80sMum · 29/06/2008 17:35

Go for it before he changes his mind! He's six years late in asking you but better late than never. I hope it all works out for both of you. Good luck

PortAndLemon · 29/06/2008 17:42

What about something like this, or would you want flusher than that?

soopermum1 · 29/06/2008 17:46

there was no big proposal for us either. after me and DH checked out the work visa situation for him one of us said something like ' i suppose we'd better get married then' and that was it. we got married so he could stay in the country so if you're looking for worse reasons to get married then here's an example. we're still together, thuogh, 10 years on.

Original poster

LaDiDaDi · 29/06/2008 17:55

I actually quite like this which is a bit of a surprise to me.

I also like this one

And I think that this is lovely but would it be easy to get a plain wedding band to fit nicely next to it?

OP posts:

PortAndLemon · 29/06/2008 17:59

Mine is very like your second one, so clearly you have excellent taste...

TheChicken · 29/06/2008 17:59

how cna oyu haev a baby and nto talk abtou marriage?

Original poster

LaDiDaDi · 29/06/2008 18:12

Well at the time we had loads going on and we really couldn't have afforded to move house, have a baby and get married and getting married seemed the least important/necessary so we just went ahead and ttc.
I said I wasn't that bothered and so we just continued on, once I had dd I started to think about things a bit differently.

OP posts:

theinsider · 29/06/2008 20:41

I'm glad it's worked out for you. Congratulations.

PeterDuck · 29/06/2008 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

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