am i being unreasonable?

[katpotat]

To not let my inlaws take DD daughter 14mths, out for the day?

My IL's drink a lot and I cannot trust FIL not to have a drink when her is driving. They keep asking and I keep making excuses.

He once took us to visit DH grandmother, and had a whiskey before driving us home

I'm sure they wouldn't put her life in danger.

Do they drink recklessly, or are they fairly level headed hard as nails folk who are pretty sensible?

My FIL does not think he drinks a lot, but after family a bbq, wanted to drive home after consuming almost 3 bottle of wine! saying, "I've hardly had anything"

Kat what does you partner think? Can you talk to him about it and is it perhaps better if he can get involved and have a word with them?

If it is the driving element that worries you most and that you think they are ok to supervise her play, what if you engineered time for them to spend with her that would not require any driving? Eg. you could arrange to meet them at a park for an hour or so while you go shopping and then meet them back there for a picnic lunch/drive home type thing?
This all depends on how much the alcohol is an issue.
Of course, if they are drunk a lot of the time and it is not "just" a lunchtime drink impairing driving judgement etc, then scrap that and stick to your guns!
I do sympathise as my sister has a similar issue with her ILs - not alcohol just poor eyesight and mobility and just not suitable to look after them. Unfortunately they still have the view that they brought up 4 children and are more than capable of one tiny little toddler... She has got round it by driving all of them to the local shopping centre, she goes off shopping while they look after her son. The "looking after" is in a supervised soft play centre where they can sit and have a cuppa while they "think" they are looking after the toddler but in reality there are paid staff on hand if anything happened. Is there anywhere similar for you?

Another thought - if this is often lunchtime habitual drinking and not whisky with the cornflakes stuff, what if you allowed them to spend time with your DD first thing in the morning when you know they will be sober and more alert/able to cope?

How about just telling them the truth.
Would your mil make sure that he didn't have a drink?

It's not the looking after that's problem...I am quite happy for them to do that... it's the insistance the take her somewhere in the car. DH agrees with me, about the drving too. Not sure what to say though when they ask again though.

I have only read the OP but I have a similar problem, although my PIL dont drink and drive.

But I hate the thought of dd being around them when they are off their faces, and they cant do anything that doesn't involve alcohol, for example they wouldn't take dd to the park for the day, they would either want to take her to the pub or stay at home whilst they drink themselves silly. Its not how I want dd to be brought up.

So no matter how much they ask, they dont have her.

And can I just add they are not alcoholics, they both work full time but at the weekends everything revolves around alcohol.

I would just say no, Its not up to you to find alternative arrangements, if they want to put alcohol first then that's their choice.

Kat, I think this is something your dh must deal with. They are his parents so the line 'please don't have a drink before you drive my dd around' shouldn't have to come out of your mouth.

YANBU. I don't let my DS (aged 2) spend the day with my dad because he has said openly that he thinks DS needs a smack. Any doubts, keep your child with you IMO. Why can't you go as well?

Just say no- if they ask why, tell them.

I once had to stop my DD playing with a friend, whose father was a supposed alcoholic and who would take them out in the car- when i thought she was safely playing in their house. I just refused to let her play there any more.

It's not that I can't go with her...they want to take her out alone..this is because my mum looks after dd 2 days a week while i am at work. Although my mums comes to our house, I have no probs with my dad driving her as I know he doesn't drink. My MIL is fiercely jealous of my mother

lazarou.. you are right i think dh will have to say something.

I have a similar problem, my mum helps a lot with ds (3months) is 65 and v capable. she comes to mine to look after him. MIL is 76 and wants to look after ds 1 day a week when i go back to work when he's 6 months. but their house isn't safe (v old, dodgy wiring, don't want her carrying him up steep stairs she's fallen down before) plus, she seems completely INEPT/old fashioned. for instance she seems to think you check heat of milk by touching bottle instead of squrting on wrist. Thinks little boys foreskins should be pulled back every nappy change tp "stretch" them....that'll be why DH ended up with problems leading to circumcision then. Has said she'll come and stay over night so we can go out but don't think she gets that he still has a night feed. She was asking at 1 month when the "last" feed was!......er there is no last feed...they're every 3 or 4 hours!
Don't want to leave him in her sole care but not sure how to not offend. just keep making up excuses.

I wouldn't leave my kids with anyone except my parents. WE don't speak to fil anyway, so there's no worries there.

We had almost exactly the same problem with a parent until in the end DH explained that we wouldn't be leaving our kids with them because of the drinking. They've not asked since. Sometimes being straight is the only way to go, even if it causes embarrassment to you all.

I completely agree with pp. I was in these shoes a few years ago. I eventually said that I disagreed with drinking even anything and then driving and that I couldn't allow my children to be driven my somebody who had drunk alcohol. God knows what was said about me behind my back, but once it was said it was a huge relief and it wasn't raised again.

Thanks for all yor advice, going to leave it in DH court, the next time they ask.