Help! What should I do for the best

[aly16]

Hi I am new to here! Been with husband for 7 years and have little girl of 2. All we ever seem to do is argue. Nothing I do is ever right this includes the way I cook, cleaning, etc. I work part-time and some nights in a restaurant but he still expects me to keep home for him. He is always telling me what I can and can't do and says he is boss and I have no say in anything. I pay half to all bills and shopping and always try my hardest to make him happy but never get anything back emotionally. He buys me nice things when he can but he puts me down so much. He is always saying if I leave him he will make sure he takes our daughter and will make it hard for me to see her. I feel I have to stay just for the sake of my daughter then leave when she is older. I dunno how much more I can take. I cry most days becuase of the way he speaks to me.

You work part time so you are the primary carer. He wouldn't be able to take your daughter, if you divorced then the courts would award you residence. He sounds like a horrible person, and it's not better for you to stay with him as your daughter will be learning all kids of awful messages about relationships, not to mention having a miserable mum.
Go see a solicitor, get some advice, and end this.

He is a horrible man on so many levels. He will not take your daughter from you - this is empty threats to stop you leaving and it's working.

Kat2907 is absolutely right - you are showing your daughter distructive behaviour. On the contrary to waht you say, you have to get out of this relationship for both of your sakes. Be strong and trust that you and your little girl will be better without him.

He is totally disrespectful, threatening, and manipulative. Is this the kind of man you want your daughter to look up to?!

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life being beaten down and badmouthed by this man...?

Be strong, seek advise from a professional and get out while you still have the energy and self-belief!

He feels like he is losing control of you (and that is what he wants - total control) so he threatens the one thing he know will terrify you - he threatens to take your child.

It is common for men to do this - it bears no relation to reality. Check out the facts.

Call women's aid for advice and then contact CAB for legal advice.

WOmens Aid 0808 2000 247

to find your local CAB

do not take anything he says at face value.
Find out your options.

I know you will think I am daft but since I wrote that post we have had a lovely couple of days and all is well again! I forgot to mention that he is not always like that but this is what stops me leaving him as I know how lovely he can be. I also know however that he is wrong with the way he treats me but I don't know whether it is worth trying to ride out the bad times or whether I am better off just going. I do love him very much but hate never knowing when he will be in his next horendous mood! I just feel so bad when I have called him rotten and thought about leaving and then he is so nice again. Thanks for all the messages!

His behaviour sounds typical of a controlling person- he is moody and makes you walk on egg shells. I can't see how a couple of good days negates all the crap he is dishing out- but it's your choice.

switching from horrid to nice is just more controlling behaviour - boy, does he have you dancing to his tune! he drives you to the edge then pulls you back just by not being horrible.

Read your original post. Is this the action of someone who respects and loves you? He doesn't see you OR DD as people, he sees you as toys and possesions.

When he's nice you don;'t want to leave and when he's horrid he makes you think you're not capable of leaving.

you can leave, you will be with DD. In quiet moments have a little think about exaclty how you might go about leaving. Then when the moment comes you will be ready.

I know it is just such a hard choice to make! I wish he was one way or the other but he is so wonderful when he wants to be and is always a loving father. I just get so confused as to whether I should be with him. Like he is going through loads of shit at work at the mo so I just don't know whether to put it down to this or not. He has always been controlling but not always in the way he is now ie putting me down etc. What would you do?

I just wanna say thank you for your posts. I know you are totally right I just feel as though I cannot leave him. I hope when work is sorted if he carrys on I could see things in a different light if he is still being this way but I just can't help thinking that if I leave now while we are having a hard time I may have made the wrong decision! I am so stuck and I understand it seems he is playing me and maybe he is but I cannot decide what is right xx

Make a plan
Leave

Actually, I would probably dither for ages like you, think I ought to stay for DD, put up with it, cry into my wine, be ecstatic when he is nice, make lots of excuses when he is horrid, feel guilty for thinking of leaving, not do anything, blame myself when I find he is having an affair, get fat and give him something else to complain about.

Middle ground - try to get him to change his habits. Plan somethign short to say next time he puts you down to stand up for yourself - eg 'Your criticism of my cooking is going to stop. I am doing this for your benefit, so put up or shut up. I expect an apology right now'. Stand up for yourself. Expect FIREWORKS - he will go ape. But stand your ground. It won't work immediately and there will be much unplesantness inbetween and things may get worse, but then either they will get better OR they won't. If they get better good on you girl. If they don't then you know it's time to leave.

Gird your loins!

I think the middle ground sounds gr8. I have actually tried a few times to stick up for myself and it has made him see me in a different light. I have also threatened to leave (which he never thought i would do) and even though obv I don't want to at the mo he is becoming a bit worried that I might be telling the truth. Example: we never go on holiday as he doesn't like change but after explaining how selfish this was when we have a young child he has booked us a 4 night break and is actually getting excited so he is trying I just hope it isn't a front and that it carries on!