Male friend is victim of domestic violence :(

[Minkus]

I have posted this in both Dadsnet and Relationship topics as not sure of best place for advice.

One of DH's very best friends has recently confided that his wife has been physically abusing him for a number of years. I'm so sad and angry for him I don't know where to start.

He was one of the best men at our wedding and he and dh have known each other since they started primary school. Since he got together with his wife, he has gradually lost contact with all his friends to the extent that we wondered whether even to let him know when our second baby arrives (due in 10 days). Now of course we understand why this has been, she has always been v controlling and this just makes sense of his increasingly uncharacteristic behaviour since they met. I suppose it's a story oft-heard but the other way round- headstrong confident boy meets seemingly perfect girl, girl increasingly exerts controlling influence over boy, control becomes violent, boy loses contact with friends and family, becomes very isolated, only allowed contact outside the home at work, boy loses self confidence and esteem.

He has sought help from so many places, his gp, their health visitor, social services- and each external party that gets "involved" has seemed to brush it away because it's not a woman being abused and they just don't seem to know what to do when it's the reverse situation. Social services in particular have basically said that because the children are not considered at risk (and there is no suggestion that she is/has or would harm them) they can't see they need to be involved and have insinuated that it's a relationship issue rather than a violence one (if that makes sense). They have suggested that they should be contacting Relate rather than involving them

Has anyone experience of similar situations and if so could you help me to point our lovely friend in the direction of an organisation that might be able to help him? I've done an internet search and come up with two charities (Mens Advice Line, and Mankind) that specifically help male victims of domestic violence but if anyone has other guidance I'd be really appreciative, as I'm sure he will be.

I might not be able to get back on line today so if anyone responds before I manage to check back, thanks in advance and sorry if you have questions that I can't answer straight away. I'm not a troll, posting about a sensitive subject and running off - I just have a demanding 3.5 year old ds, am 39 weeks pregnant with a hungover dh (the result of very long chat into the early hours with our friend who stayed last night) and don't have huge amounts of time to mnet (sadly!)

well if it was a woman we would all be crying out for her to pack his bags and make him leave! i see ni difference here. his wife needs to either commit to counselling to deal with her control issues or he needs to leave!

Also, if this was a woman there'd now be a hundred posts on this thread advising op to support her to get out, and all sorts of links and stuff.

Instead, there's just me and micci. I think that's really sad.

He needs to get out somewhere safe - and leave her for good - exactley the advice I would give a woman in this situation.

i think a lot of people believe that men are stronger and can deal with these things better as they can defend themselves. being that i once had to chase away muggers who followed my male flatmate home and that dp tells me if he is ever in a fight he wants me on his side, i know that it can be the other away around!

woman are far harsher than men when it comes to abuse like this and men are less willing to seek help due to emabarrassment!

Presumably (because of hv involvement) there are children? I imagine he would be terrified of his vengeful wife denying him access to them as well, so it might not be as clear-cut as just walking out.

Very nasty situation, not sure what to advise. for your friend.

Sorry, duh me, just reread the OP and there are definitely children.

it's just as bad a lesson to teach the kids, regardless of whether it's a man or woman, so he presumably wouldn't want to leave them?
has he been to the police?

Why is he still there do you think?

Surely he should be reporting the incidents of DV to the police and then if she threatens to try to stop him seeing the dc's he will have some leverage.

I am very sorry for him though, I suspect that one of our friends gets battered by his wife

I'm afraid that I have no experience of this, so cannot advise on where to get help. But he will appreciate the opportunity to have people to talk to and you and your dh may well be a very important lifeline in helping him cope with this. As you have so much going on in your life, does your dh know any other childhood friends who would be sensitive and be able to help support him through this?

I am loath to say that he should leave, because there are children involved and if I were him, I would not want to leave the dcs behind.

Maybe he needs to call the police next time it happens. A short sharp shock may be what's needed to frighten his wife. I would also suggest he keeps a careful diary of incidents and take photos of the results, as he needs to compile evidence.

I hope he is ok - this sounds awful and it is still a very difficult subject for men to talk about.

carmener about making reports to the police! he can do this without actaully pressing charges and police will document evidence i.e. any bruising, marks etc but i think the would still have to question her? so she may find out about it! so it maybe better him compiling evidence the way spamm suggested! though she could argue self inflicted/been fighting outside the house were with offical police reports couldnt do that!

could he see cab re access to the children before he leaves or full custody if there is a chance she could be violent towards the dcs?

How sad

I wonder (and I don't know if this is right, I'm just thinking on type) whether involving the police would maybe make her wake up and see that what she is doing is wrong. There must be something eating her up inside and that is why she is pouring it out in this hideous way.

Tis true if it was the other way round we would all be screaming to shove him out and change the locks.

I'm desperately sad for him. Especially as its he won't want to be the one to leave the kids......

An empathetic police officer would be my vote I think. One who has experience and is sensitive to the situation. Hard to find the right person I guess..........

You can report domestic abuse/threats etc to the police without pressing charges, just report them and tell the police you don't want to press charges but want it kept on file.
It then gets given a crime incident number and put on record.
I know, I've done it.
He should not continue to live in this situation, it's not fair on him or the children.

What a total and utter bitch! Bully and a control freak.

how does he feel about her? Does he still love her?

This is such a sad story and so hard for the man involved to admit.

He should leave her, leave her alone with the kids - that's what she deserves! scumbag woman!

erk. it's not what the kids deserve, though, is it? i'm sure that the police will have a DV officer, most likely a woman, who he can speak to. for some reason i'd imagine it'd be easier for him to tell a woman than a man, although i might be wrong.

Minkus, thanks for helping your friend. Almost nobody believes that men are the victims of domestic abuse, verbal, intimidation, or violence. Alcoholic partners are partially catered for, but men with abusive partners have little or no resources other than groups like the ones mentioned. My local authority, officially, refuses to recognise male abuse. I work alongside them so I know that this is true as I have had to contact them regarding the issue for a friend with similar problems.

A local search is best, if you can, on the internet. Contacting any local female abuse shelters/centres may bring a result in details, but you'll largely have to rely on charities and community groups. Forget your local council, they are unlikely to have a department, although talking to someone in the local police domestic violence department might.

Most people aren't going to believe your friend at all. Even people he has known for years, and it's heartbreaking to watch. However, there are many men in a similar situation who can't stop the abuse, but know what he is going through and believe him.

He must must must detail every incident, keep every text message, ask any witnesses at any time. She'll have his baby away too and with the blessing of the court, if he cant prove anything. He'll have to prepare for his closest family to look at proof and totally deny that too. It's a terrible place for him to be, I've gone through it with my friend, and like all continuing abuse victims, he probably still loves her too, which is not a bad thing, just a sad thing.

It's hugely sad that everyone here has suggested the VICTIM give up his home and leave his children. Why ? He's hasn't done anything wrong. She should be made to leave like any other criminal and fight for accesss surely ? This is entirely the crux of the problem. He won't want anything other than his darling wife he married to love him, and to live in peace with his children.

Why does everyone suggest a heartless bully wins and keeps all the spoils. So sad for him. Further conflict is not the answer.

Sorry, one other thing. The second she goes on record for any issues revolving around domestic violence on her behalf will give him leverage in any further court/police dealings so she is unlike to agree because it will make her lose control. It's an impossible situation to sort out reasonably. Shall we all just go round and give her a stiff telling off ?

i haven't suggested that, M7, nor would i.

A boy that I new as a child and had lost touch with for many years had what from my understanding was a similar circumstance. His partner used to loose it - he was a big bloke but an incredibly gentle one. He stayed because they had a young baby that very sadly later turned out not to be his - yet more heart brake.

His dad, another big bloke, got wind of what was going on and was amazing - he's a real blokes bloke but was incredibly supportive insisted on involving the police - who were also amazing. The policeman who arranged to visit at a time she was out was really understanding. I think the biggest thing for him was realising he wasn't a wimp and wasn't alone. He was/ is an honourable man in a difficult situation looking out for his (as he thought) child. Once the police had listened to him, believed him and put it on file (without her knowing or her contact on the issue) his self esteem started to slowly return and he with great support from his family was able to start to look for ways to move on with his life. He did build up the courage to leave and then she said the child wasn't his, which paternity tests later proved. Long and short that was about ten years ago. He's now happily married with a child - and I heard a rumour another on the way.

I hope that your friend can give the police a chance - they are human beings and many will have seen this before (sadly) and may even be able to point him in the right direction for support.

From my own experiences about keeping an incident diary - people told me to do this for years. I said I was, but didn't. I wish I had. Head buried in sand things will work themselves out etc. I know from what you say your contact is more limited these days but could you keep a diary as well when you're aware of any incidents - just incase its needed in the future.

Congratulations on your second baby - don't forget to look after yourself.

I think that any violence toward women, men or children is appaling and sugggest that he contacts the above mentioned charities and urge his wife to seek counselling.I think he should also contact police if it is really abusive behviour and talk samaritans too because he needs to gather as much evidence as possible and, if he is fisically hurt, receive treatmentat an A&E hospital because they have to register all the incdents and if the victim s hurt they have to write a report and let social services know.
So sorry for your friend.

Aitch, not you, meant in general. This thread is on two sections and I'm cutting and pasting. You're suggestions are amongst the best and most reasoned

Get him to ring this number:

0808 801 0327

It's the men's version of women's aid.

here's their website

It is hard enough for female victims of dv to get support, can imagine that it's far worse for a man.

I echo what others have said, he should not leave home, but should start reporting each incident to the police.

Just before the police get involved, and i'm not saying it's a bad thing, but if there is a report of a domestic, and there are children present, a report has to be sent to social services, a MERLIN report I think. After a certain number of reports, its flagged at SS and they become involved regardless of what either parent thinks. This is usually a good thing, but your friend should be aware. Not only does he suffer the indignity of the violence, but all of a sudden social services are involved with his child. It's a spiralling nightmare.

I am not suggesting that he shouldn't tell the police, all violence should be dealt with as totally unacceptable, but he should be aware of the attention he will receive. It's an essentially good system, but doesn;t allow for individual cases.

When he does report it though, it's essentail that he gets the CAD report number, and the crime number.

Is he in Herefordshire too? They have a number for confidential and informal chats with the police 01432 347393 if he'd rather do that than make an official report. If he does want to make an official report the switchboard number is 08457 444 888.