could mil's difficult behaviour be linked to alcheimers

[bigboydiditandranaway]

Mil has always been difficult and controlling, her mum suffered from alceihmers(sorry can't spell it!) do you think this could be linked to why she is like this, the early signs of it?

Does anyone have any experience of this? Sometimes i hope it is as then i'd probably get on better with her!

Has her behaviour changed in recent years? If she's always been like this then perhaps it's just personality!

I am guessing youo mean Alzheimers?

My grandparents had it and this wasnt a sign they had but maybe look at Alzheimers Org

Hi there I work with people with alzheimers diseaese, but not enough info in your post to try to advise you

what would you say the early signs are and what sort of age can it start, mil is 58 i think so it probably is too early.

Ta for your messages so far.

The fact that she has always been like this is probably not a sign (my mother has always been like this too). What you are looking for are changes in behaviour, extremely subtle at first but becoming more pronounced. Bouts of depression out of the blue, repeating herself, short term memory loss, long term memory often very strong.

But i tell you something, please don't ever wish this on anyone, your DH or your MIL or yourself - my father had alzheimers and it is a terrible terrible disease. Christ, why would you post something like that?? Quite cross about that actually. This disease destroyed my father and it bloody nearly destroyed me in the process. You might get on better with her?? So, as she became more cantankerous, easily upset, confused, downright terrified, incontinent and needing 24 hour care, you might find her easier to get on with ?

58 is not too young, the inherited form of alzheimers does unfortunately manifest itself at a younger age than senile dementia associated with old age.

I hope your MIL really doesn't have this, for everyones sake.

of course it could just be that she doesn't like you

lucyellensmum, I think the op meant that she would be able to cope better with her mil's behaviour if she found out there was a medical reason for it. I do understand what she means as I've sometimes wondered if there was something medically wrong with my mil. I'd also be really gutted for her if it was the case.

lucyellensmum, you're right my mil doesn't like me and she behaves in the same manner to my sil, in fact if her ds's married anyone else it would be the same. MIl & fil are very difficult to get along with. uberalice is right, if there was a medical reason for her behaviour then i could care for her but as this really isn't the case at this stage anyway i have to accept her as she is

i'm sorry your father had alziemers and what he and your family had to cope with and i'm sorry my message caused you upset.

thanks for the apology, im just over sensitive about this sort of thing. You don't want to wish it on anyone. But if your MIL is a bitch, stuff her, let her stew in her own unpleasant juices.

Whatever the cause of difficult behaviour in the out-laws, it is probably better to think about getting assertiveness training than in hoping to alter the aged relative.

BTW my mother was a bit difficult and controlling at 58 but now she's 85 has mellowed a lot.

Sometimes i just feel so alone with mil& fil comments especially when dh decides to ignore them, although i have said to him more recently i would like him to stick up for me when they make them.

Could anyone suggest any books that perhaps could help pls?

What sort of things do they say? I am lucky, i don't live near my outlaws, althought to be fair whenever we visit they are OK. I just know that i would want to throttle my MIL if we lived closer. She is lovely but i don;t think she could stop herself making little comments, you know the sort "whats your silly mummy done today". One thing she did was watch me like a hawk when i was feeding DD once and informed me with the upmost urgency that she had food on her face, um, like duh, shes 8m old and i missed her mouth . I do realise however that snide little comments are really annoying and hurtful.

I guess it is difficult for your DH to stick up for you, seeing as he has lived with these people since he was born and it probably goes over his head and he doesn't get it, or he is actually still mummy's little boy at heart and can't bring himself to say anything against her. My strategy for dealing with the "helpfullness" of inlaws is to be well informed and confident in my assertions. So if i think something is rubbish, i'll tell her in a lighthearted way "oh they know that is a load of old bollocks now mil, because........." It works with my mother too (now she IS controlling and cantankerous) I just tell her straight, or ignore and smile sweetly. The classic, "she hasn't got a hat on" will be countered by "well you go ahead and get her to wear it" type comment. For some reason it doesn't get to me this time around.

It is actually the law for MILs to be a pain in the arse so you are not alone. Lots of us feel your pain and empathise. But at the end of the day, if she is a cow, shes a cow and you wont change that - so, stop trying. Ignore the silly old bat xx

Thanks lucy, it doesn't help with me being pregnant i suppose and have them visiting at the w.end.

I think in future i'll put your advice into action with her 'helpfull comments' and with fil's, to be honest i think they take it turns making them.

I don't know what it is with dh, he agrees with me with a lot of the things that they do/say that are unreasonable(putting it mildly)it just seems when they make these comments to my face that he tends to sit back and these are the times which really get to me, it's like he just sticks his head in the sand and lets them be bullies. When i stand up for myself, they are difficult the next visit and i feel really tense seeing them because of this. A vicious circle really. The thing is, if it were a reversed situation, my parents making these comments i wouldn't stand for it and would be furious with them that they had made dh feel uncomfortable. Where am i going wrong?

Ignoring them does seem a good solution if you can do this.

I have already got one dc so hopefully i'll be the same as you this time round and won't be so bothered by their comments.

I think you are right, you will have done it all and have the t shirt, this time around. Mine was a 15 year gap so i felt like a first time mum. But i was surprised at how little my mum interfered.

What surprises me is how ILS and parents tbh, think they are so much more experienced than we are. Well unless they have had 6 kids then not really. They would have done nappies, once, feeding once etc etc. We now have the benefit of being able to take their advice and use it if useful. I DO make a point of acknowledging when MIL has a good idea. It softens the blow when i tell her her outdated stuff is rubbish . We also live in an information based society where we can take on lots of information and then do what we feel is best.

I am so much more confident in my parenting skills this time around. Considering i was 19 the first time and 35 the next is hardly surprising. So any comments made mostly go over my head.

I think if you try and put yourself above them in your head, you wont feel challenged but rather indulgent when you have to listen to their bullshit.

That and a stiff drink when they go .

Your advice is great lucy, thanks so much

forgot you were pregnant, might have to swap the stiff drink for a huge chocolate cake instead. I actually do something like this when we visit ILs i insist on a visit to greenwhich park and market to sugar the pill

choc cake sounds wonderful as does the visits, good coping techniques