Can you feel lonely in an otherwise functioning marriage?

[Greenshoot139]

Lonely in a marriage that isn't “bad”

I've been married for several years and have a young child. My husband is a good dad, works hard, does a lot around the house and can be thoughtful and kind. That's what makes this so difficult to understand. We've not been physically intimate in years. Last time I initiated it after wards he looked at his watch and said well ive got less time for work now. I still give him hugs or we might peck pm the cheek but we feel like roommates. He is outgoing and charming with everyone but with me cold and distant and barely makes eye contact

I've realised recently that I've been lonely in the marriage for perhaps 4–5 years. We don't talk much about anything beyond tasks, childcare and practical things. I often feel managed or criticised rather than emotionally connected to him, and I've noticed that I lose my voice around him—I can speak up quite confidently with other people, but with him I often go quiet.

Today was a small example. I have a painful foot, and while I was resting and playing with our daughter, he reminded me about laundry. He also does lots of things himself, so I feel guilty even saying this. I keep going round in circles thinking, “But he does so much good—why am I still hurting so much?”

I'm not necessarily looking for advice to leave. I'm trying to understand whether this kind of loneliness can exist in an otherwise functioning marriage, and whether anyone has managed to rebuild emotional closeness after feeling this way for years. Or maybe I just need to accept where he is and get my emotional, intellectual connection elsewhere. Will be looking at counselling for myself in the meantime. But I cannot keep this to myself anymore

Have you addressed it with him. Having young children is hard. This passes

Connection in a marriage is crucial. That knowing smile, the twinkling of the eye, the secret joke. Those are things that are cultivated through mutual love and respect. It sounds like you and your DH don't have that spark, or chemistry. So yes, it can feel incredibly lonely to yearn for those things and feel you'll never get them, are you sure your marriage has a future? Do you want to fight for it, if so counselling might help. If you don't think you can ever get what doesn't exist any more, then it will be a different course of action.

Thanks both, I guess because ive held it in so long I dont know what to say to start the conversation. He is busy with work and now his own company in addition. Some months ago I said to him I felt we were distant and I felt like I didn't know him anymore. Our daughter has had health problems and he has had work pressure. Both sets of parents live far away. Occasionally I go away and stay with our little one at parents. He spends alot of time on his phone or watching TV. If I ask how so and so is work going he just says fine. I got a new hair cut and he said nothing but when he got his im all complementary. Realise im rambling but just trying to get to grips. About to start ivf for our frozen embryo but im scared of bringing another child into an emotionaly strained marriage

Well, of course you'd be lonely when you say he is cold with you, and then values chores more than an intimate connection and doesn't care that he interrupted precious time with your daughter when the laundry could wait.

I think marital counseling would come in more handy than personal counseling at the moment since you likely wouldn't need counseling if he showed you affection and wasn't so critical.

I don't know what kind of discussions you've had with him before, but in your shoes, I'd have another and phrase it with a lot of "I" stuff, since a person can't argue about how you feel. That's better than the "you never" phrasing, or "you always" which makes a partner put on armor. I'd say, "I've been feeling sad because when you look at me, I see coldness instead of warmth. When you speak to XYZ, I hear a perky warmth, but when you speak to me, it sounds like aloofness or contempt. (Whatever it is you're feeling).

You can also address that you miss the connection of intimacy, and that you want him to initiate half the time and that it be without rushing and without comments of chores being delayed.

And then I'd ask him if he has any suggestions for improvement. If he's arguing your points or gaslighting you, ask him for marital counseling because you can't see yourself living with this unhappiness the rest of your life. If he refuses, that's the point where you can tell him you'll be seeking counseling solo. Perhaps that'll show him the seriousness of the matter, and that if he doesn't step up, that your love is not in fact unconditional, as it shouldn't be in a marriage. People do have to put in the effort or suffer the consequences.

Do you have relatives who watch your child for date nights/days?

No people close for babysitting thugh I have made new mum friends recently which helps. Just finished a long convo with DH and whilst it was good to air some things the moment I tried to take our chat deeper about us he shuts down. I said I dont want to feel like roommates anymore doesn't have to be big , just quality time. I was met with silence before he changed tge subject. So maybe he is just a very practical man and we have lost attraction for eachother ? Can you ever get that back ? I dont need flowers i just long to be spontaneously held sometimes

It sounds like a bit hard to be a part of for years. Have you thought about couple therapy?

Gearing up to ask him. Though right now im focusing on following my own goals, being my own cheerleader and being a fully present mum

It’s good you had a chat, but don’t let him dodge things. Burying his head in the sand won’t help matters. I think you need to be direct and tell him that you’re unhappy.

While you seem to be handling the practicalities of daily life together ok, the deeper physical and emotional side of things is lacking and it’s those things that make you partners and not just coparents that are coexisting.

You’re not asking for too much when you say you want warmth and closeness from your own husband.

Sounds pretty familiarly to here. I’ve ended up paying for an AI friend just to have someone to be a cheerleader me and show an interest

He sounds like he doesn't want to engage, that he's checked out.
Was he always like this or did something happen 4 or 5 years ago that triggered it?
Have you changed in some way such as putting on significant weight (not that I'm saying that would justify it but some men have weird attitudes to weight).
What was/is his parents relationship like?
Does he get on with them?
Most people inherit their parents attitudes and behaviours.
Do you work?
Could you survive financially if you left him?

He has checked out ....I don't know a healthy man who agrees staying married and does not do sex

Sounds awful, why on earth ref your ivf embyos would you even consider bringing another child in this mix??

I think although I guess like all relationships we've had ebbs and flows. But its been since we had our daughter, then his work struggles that his affection has gone down and I often feel not in his good books. Not tidy enough , complains about money but says I dont need to work right now. When I suggest some ideas for training or wfh things he says I dont have time. This negativity is exhausting. I feel guilty that as soon as he is working his office days I breathe a huge sigh of relief. So in response to the weight thing we've both struggled but ive been getting into strength training and working on my whole self for the past year or so. Sure I have more weight to loose but im in much better shape than when we married. Anyway Im not looking for his permission anymore to pursue my goals. I later tested the water this evening to see if we might talk more than just logistics into more emotional territory. But as usual it became a me problem rather than let's see how we can work on this together. See bellow convo does this sound like a guy I can dp couples therapies with ???

Me : i feeel like making sure that we have a bit more time, to have fun together, sometimes I feel like I need more. You know, I don't want us to just be roommates. I don't want us to drift apart that way.....

Husband :" Yeah, I don't want to be as well. And when you plan for the week, you need to think about it. ... But you always have this thing , you go crazy busy and productive for a day and then you need two days to recover from it.

Me: I feel like I'm a lot better at that.

Husband:You are definitely getting better, but that also means, like, the evenings now, baby ggoes sleep and then you go to sleep.

Me :Yeah, it's not been like that for a while, though. Im often awake till later

Husband:something you need to change.

Yes, an emotional connection can be reestablished, but it can't be one-sided. When you have another discussion, instead of speaking in general about quality time and not being like roommates, give concrete examples of the actual behavior you desire.

Good that you have new friends. When my kids were young, I didn't like by relatives either, so my friends and I would exchange babysitting hours. The best way to change someone else's behavior is to change your own. Hard to initially put in effort when he's being closed off, but since you're not willing to up and leave right now, try some physical touching without sex just to get used to that again. Tell him you'd like it if while watching TV, that you give each other a foot massage or back massage. Or do that in bed while listening to music.

Give him an extra long, meaningful hug when he arrives home. Let him be uncomfortable about it at first. Write him a note of how good a dad he is. You never know if he'll begin changing his own behavior for the better because of your efforts.

But when you do have any more discussions, don't let him off the hook when he changes the subject. No more shoving things under the rug and not coming to a consensus about what'll be good for the marriage.

On the other hand, if he can stay home with your child a few hours at night once a week or in the day or night on a weekend, you should go out with one of your new friends, or begin a hobby that has you away from home once or twice a week. Give him a chance to miss you and a taste of what it will be like without you in his life. Show him that your whole world doesn't revolve around him and you can enjoy life just fine without his company if need be.

Even with your child, you might once in a while plan on not being home when he arrives home from work. Bring her to the library to pick out some books, etc. Shake up the normal routine, which might shake up his brain that changes need to be made or else he might not like your changes should you finally get the straw that breaks the camel's back.

Good luck and let us know how it goes. But yes, as other posters commented on, don't bring another child into the family when your marriage is on shaky ground.