Partner ended relationship after move because he could not live with my daughters

[Coasthills]

Hi everyone, I am posting here because I am in a state of absolute shock and severe anxiety. I really need some support from anyone who has survived this.
I recently uprooted my entire life and moved away to be with a partner I’ve been in a 2 year relationship with. Before the move, everything seemed fine, but now that we are here, he has completely pulled the rug out from under me. He just told me that he cannot live with my two daughters- he doesn’t like the family dynamic, noise or responsibility.
I am 12 weeks into this move and the emotional pain is completely overwhelming, he has since left the property and our relationship. I feel like such a rubbish mum for putting my girls through this, even though I genuinely thought I was moving them toward a loving, blended family.
Emotionally I am completely broken.
Has anyone else been through this? How do I cope with the heartbreak and constant spinning in my head regarding decisions. Thankfully my daughters are strong, resilient, amazing and don’t seem phased in the slightest. Please tell me it gets better.

In the space of 24 months you have uprooted your children from their home friends school, all for a man that didnt even try to live with you, now dumped you off because its not what he wants.

I agree with some of the above comments.
You should have tried living together before making that sort of decision.
At least its happened now rather than a year or so in.

He dose have the right to not live with you but sure he would have known it would be different from living on his own.
Responsibility for your kids is not his responsibility.

Can you move back?
How old are the kids?
So many questions?

I actually think, as hard as it is just now, he’s done the right thing.
I can’t imagine going from a single household to a family of 4 is easy, and I think rather than him riding it out to see if it gets better it’s better for your DD’s that he’s left now.
Imagine the toll it would have had on them if he resented them and they picked up on it

I don’t think op really needs all of the “I can’t believe you moved your dc for a man” comments. She obviously did it in good faith, hoping it would benefit the whole family and presumably had discussions with them before it. It sounds like this has come as a bolt from the blue.

Op how far away are you? Can you move back or would you prefer to stay in the new place? How old are your girls? As pp have said, he has shown you early on who he really is and whether we agree or not, he clearly can’t live with kids or be the family man you want him to be. It’s cruel of him to let it get this far but at least you know.

It’s very hard atm @Coasthills

However, in time you’ll see that he’s made the right call. Far better that he’s the kind of man to say “no this isn’t going to work” than the type of man who stays and then demands you make your children fit around him. There’s too many of that type and the children properly suffer

How far away did you move? Have the children changed schools? How old are the children?

This is why I would never move for anyone. I've been asked to by an ex, and a different time by a family member. Both answers were a firm no. My child who is settled in her school with friends comes first.

How old are the kids, are you in rented, if so just move back

Also how much time did you spend together as a family before the move?

Then he should have thought about it more or agreed to move in with OP and her children rather than have her uproot them to move to his town

Honesty in a relationship is important.

How old are your daughters? There’s a huge difference between them being eg 2 and 4, 12 and 14, or 22 and 24. I assume he doesn’t have children himself? Did you move into his own house, or choose a new home together? And how far from your previous home have you moved? Did you sell a house in order to move?

It will feel a shock now, but better now than in a year’s time. You’ll get more useful advice on going forward if you can give a bit more of an idea as to ages and distance!

OP is the one who should have thought of it, not him. OP has the children; OP has the responsibility. The children remain at all times the responsibility of their parents. If the sexes were reversed here, no one would be berating the woman for realising she didn’t want to be a ‘nanny with a fanny’ as so many are quick to label it. But men are somehow expected to step up.

Thanks to everyone who posted. I was looking for people who this has happened too. For support. Thank you, to those who have. I am not a stupid woman. We had family time 3 nights per week. My children were happy for the move, as it was discussed.

"Family nights" 3 times per week with a man you've only been with a short amount of time🤯

No judgement will make me feel any worse than I do. We moved with support from all our families, including my children dad and his family who all knew us as a family for 4. I’m financially independent. Work full time. House is mine. It was more for emotional support. As the move was in good faith, love. And yes all of you who want to give me a kick - I messed up! But I’d have never ever known.

To all who have judged… thank god for perfect people like you!

Ps I only blame myself!

2 years. I was in a relationship with him 2 years. Knew him 11 years.

Sometimes in life you have to make a leap of faith. For you @Coasthills, this one didn’t work out. It hasn’t happened to me, but I did move to another part of the country to be with my now DH. For me it worked out, but it did have some difficulties moments - he had 4 DCs still at school.

Life can send curved balls at you no matter how careful you are and how much planning you put in. Give your DCs a wonderful gift of showing them how to cope when things go wrong and that life still goes on.

All the best.

It's not all your fault. With hindsight, it would have been better to have trialled living together before you fully committed but your partner also must know himself and the home life he wants. The school holidays have probably been an intense introduction to family life for him. I feel he's rather given up at the first hurdle but you need to get into practical mode and stay calm in front of your children. Do you want to stay where you are now or move back and how do you make that happen? Take any support you can access.

I'm so sorry OP, what an awful shock 😞 ignore the people giving you a hard time, it sounds like your ex gave you the impression that this is what he wanted and he only realised the reality of living with someone else's children 24/7 wasn't as easy as he thought. It's horrible but better than investing any more of your time with him, if he's not the one for you.

Look after yourself and your girls and give yourself some time before you decide what to do next. I hope your family and friends will rally round and support you. Take care 💐

I know it hurts now, but when the dust settles, you will realise that you’re better off without him, and that he did it sooner rather than later.

I hope you have moved somewhere wonderful where you and your DDs will go onto have a lovely life, but equally if it makes more sense, there’s no shame in going back home 💐

Omg don’t worry about the people giving you hard time - like you could have known what would happen?? We all make the best decisions we can with the knowledge we have at the time.
You will get through this, one day at a time, although the pain is awful. You will find strength for your children.

How awful this comment is…do you think attacking the children’s parent is good for them? Your additional unkindness will affect them too. Just nasty

OP modern life can be awful but there are some good things like the Just Break Up Facebook and podcast ..for support from people who are going through this or who’ve got through it. A place to safely vent. There is a girl abroad group too who often support women going through similar.

It’s horribly painful, if funds allow going for nails, massage etc…gives you a space to really vent and gives you the comfort you may be missing.

Ask for help, suggest people check in with you.

For those times you feel you’ll explode with it all talk to an online service. Years ago I saw Rachel Parrish, UK comedian, do a whole show about the email service at the Samaritans that she leant on through a break up.

It will wake you in the early hours like you’re plugged into an electric socket..you’ll want to go round and round things…ALL of this is normal. Give yourself so much love and kindness…he is weak, you are strong ♥️ one hour and day at a time ♥️

Girl Gone International | Women Living Abroad

This is the really supportive Facebook group

Yes actually I do think sometimes it's necessary to say when someone has made really poor decisions that negatively affect children.