Do you play along with your in-laws to be supportive of your OH? (long)

[Milkysallgone]

Basically my FIl is a complete idiot and I have no respect for him whatsoever. Dh's mother died when dh was 21 (there is also a younger brother). From what I have heard FIl was a tyrannical sort of father before mother died, and then after wasn't really any use in supporting them emotionally.He is from a different culture but I don't think this excuses him.

He hooked up with some woman suspiciously soon after the loss and now has a a young child with her. When Dh and I first met he was starting to make a real effort to put the past behind him and we were quite friendly with them; going out for dinner, weekend visits etc.

She is very odd woman to get along with but wee made the effort; that is until she started doing bizarre crazy things like phoning us during one of their (frequent) rows and trying to drag my dh/me into it!? It was very upsetting for us and they subsequently split up for quite a while. This woman also did other v.unacceptable things which I won't go in to.

They ended up geting back together but Dh has since refused to have anything to do with her. Problem is that FIl has been too spineless to tell her we've got issues about the way she has conducted herself, and he's basically been spinning her a lod of crap.

Fast forward to 4yrs and 2 grandchildren later and I can count on my hands the number of times he has seen them. My eldest dc knows he is 'Grandad'but has no real relationship with him. The odd occasion when he does see them is either when dh meets him in veiled secrecy or he sneaks up here if she's been on hols or something.

Poor dh makes out he doesn't care about his lack of parental relationship, but it obviously upsets him. I just get bloody annoyed when he rings up (like tonight) feigning interest etc when he never even sends a birthday card; and to top it off I'll be expected to go to one of these 'secret meetings' in a few weeks and play happy families .

If you've read all that, feel free to ignore;just wanted to rant really.

Do you want him to be a real grandad to your dcs? Why is your dh meeting him secretly? Has she insisted that your FIL doesn't see him any more?

Well in a ideal world it would be lovely if my dcs had a proper grandad in him. Dh has in the past in no uncertain terms told fil that he he doesn't want her behaving in this way around his family. Fil chose to pretend none of it happened and would have fully expected us all to carry on as normal (until the next time they had a row and she did something bonkers).As far as I'm aware he has pretended that everything's fine despite the fact that we never ever see them (e.g he rings up to remind us to send birthday cards so she'll supposedly think it's all hunky dory). They are both seriously nuts I tell you!!

I don't think I'd want my kids to have a real relationship with someone who was so clearly unhinged.

I'd leave it as it is.

Thanks all. Herbieta - yes, I have to admit I'm a bit worried about how the dcs will feel about the situation as they get older. At the moment neither of them really knows him and he certainly doesn't know them iyswim?

I think he's seen dd once in the last year and is all false love and kisses etc, and to be honest it makes me feel sick. She's only 3 at the moment so doesn't understand. I could never tell dh that I don't want him to have anything to do with them, he just sort of accepts that that's the way things are and just takes the odd oppurtunity to meet up with his dad when she's not around (they live 150 miles away). It is just a ridiculous situation though. The only other alternative is for dh to back down and start pretending he is okay eith this bizarre woman. It just makes me so angry. He has rejected his son and grandchildren because he is a coward; and still has the cheek to pretend like he cares.

I rarely saw my grandparents because they lived several hours away. My son rarely sees my parents for similar reasons.
I don't see why grandparents have to be all or nothing and some contact may be better than none. I think people who themselves had close relationships with grandparents get more concerned about kids "missing out" on stuff with grandparents than people like me who had a fairly distant relationship and doesn't feel she's missed anything.
Obviously favouring 1 side over another can be annoying, but then 1 of my grandmothers used to talk constantly about how wonderful my cousins were when with us, but the cousins said they got nothing but how great we were, so some people are just a bit odd.
re herbieta perhaps your inlaws sense you don't like them and that's why they favour their other kids, if you think they're snobby twats why would you want your kids to spend more time with them?

I think you have to make up your mind what you actually want here.

On the one hand, you feel it would be absurd for your dh to pretend that he is ok with 'this bizarre woman' who is your FIL's partner.

On the other hand, you feel upset because your FIL does not pay attention to your family.

These two standpoints seem pretty incompatible to me. I think you're going to have to choose one of them. I am not saying which one is the right one (particularly as you haven't told us what unacceptable things this woman has actually done- phoning you in distress after a marital row sounds silly, but not grounds for total non-recognition iyswim).

At all events, remember that you are asking a lot of your dh if you want him to cut himself off totally from his family.

Remember that one day one of your own dc's may be in a similar situation- a DIL or SIL who finds you or your dh bizarre. How would you like your dc's to handle it? However undeserving your FIL may have been, it is going to be hard.