I love him but don't like his monthly alcohol/cocaine binges

[Joscie]

Although I love my husband there is some part of his behaviour I despise. Every now and then he goes out on a drinking/coke binge. It seems to hit him and he just leaves the house not to come back till 6 am the next morning, then he spends all day in bed with an emotional hangover. The urge is so strong there is no stopping him. We have been together for 10 years and now have a 2 year old and 3 month old. We've had so many conversations about this, but it is not changing. He has done it twice since baby was born. Sometimes he agrees it should stop but most of the time he says he has done nothing wrong - he only does it occasionally. I thing he has an addiction even though he sometimes doesn't use for weeks/months. Any opinions?

Absolutely. He can go out if he wants - we are not difficult like that at all. But that's the problem - he just walks out when he feels like it without any plan or discussion.

oh, Joscie.

I really feel for you. How much is it disrupting your home life? you say he has emptied your current account. Of how much? Was this a one-off or you do you have other debts/problems related to his drug use?

If he can disappear for 3 days when you are expecting then he is clearly not in control of his use. Yet he doesn't admit there is a problem. Until he does, I think you have little chance of changing anything.

Babe - wanna talk about it??

I know a fair amount about it from both sides of the fence.

I'm at jimandele at yahoo dot co uk

sounds like there are probs which go beyond the coke / booze ting.

Hell, he has his thing, what about you. He has his life but what are you doing to enjoy yourself...do you have breaks....sounds like you are possibly building some great time up with your kids. Your there for them and if not with them now they are safe. He may do his thing, but what about you...being a parent is hard, and it sounds as if your doing the thus for two. Not slagging off your bf.

I would have to agree with harpomarx.

If he cannot or will not stop the binges then he has become physically dependent on them. He is also mired in denial by saying there is no problem because its causing you all sorts of problems. When did he actually start doing all this to your knowledge; you say its been going on for years?. Was he using such substances when you first went out with him, did you think that by being with you he would change?.

You are now faced with a stark choice - you stay and put up with this ongoing addiction of his thus ultimately dragging you all down with him or look into separation.

By staying, you continue to both prop up and enable him because he does not face the consequences of his actions. He cannot expect to keep disappearing for days on end without seemingly any consequence. What do you say to him when he returns?. These children will be affected by his behaviour and they will learn from you both as they get older. You have two children - you do not need to parent a third.

I would look for real life support now for your own self from drug charities and Al-anon.

do you think it could be that he doesnt want to stop as he enjoys it? but he sometimes goes too far and realises this? this is when he says he knows he needs to stop! maybe he means he needs to stop going too far. couldnt have an agreement with him whereby yes, if you can trust to him to stop when he knows he is going to far/only use a set amount maybe once every two months? then you will stop arguing about it?

i know people who have been addicted to coke, and i myself nearly got my self into that situation, but realised how far it was getting and walked away! coke addicts, as far as the ones i knew used every night! its starts as every weekend and then the more dependant you become it turns to every night out and then you start making excuses to go out so that you can use every night!!!

if his behavior is really effecting your relationship, then yes you need to change things and he needs to stop completely. but maybe if you could handle once every tow months he may be more willing to commit to changing

also agree its not just the fathers, dp hated my use, though it was before dd2 and was occasional and we could afford it and i knew when to stop!! he still despised it! i never saw it as a problem as i was enjoying myself, was miles away from dd1 and always made sure that i had someone to care for her the next day while i sobered up! i still cannot, or rather will not promise that i will never ever use again but i have promised that i wont go back to using it regularly! but i dont consider myself an addict and havent used at all since well before dd2 was even concieved (she is one now)

I agree with Atilla, totally

Get yourself some support. Families Anonymous or Al-Anon are good sources of support (groups of people whose lives have been/are being affected by a loved one's drug or alcohol use). Google them for a list of local support

Wishing you all the best x

micci, sorry I don't agree that addicts use every night. The binge pattern is quite common and can be really destructive. You sound as though you were very controlled about your use, the op's partner in contrast certainly isn't making sure that everything is all right back at home, otherwise he wouldn't have gone missing for 3 days when she was due.

Listen to Atilla, she talks sense.

It's hard, but sending you lots of (((hugs)))

I'm trying to work out what an 'emotional hangover' is!

Difficult situation. In one sense he is controlled in that it is not all the time but then again, it is affecting you and your family life for you to be posting about it.

With regards to Coke, I've never tried it but a lot of people I know do it regularly, ie. friday/sat nights. Not every week but it's common. I know them well enough to know it's not a problem, it's a pleasure. They don't have children though.

The thing that gets me about drugs is that there are some people who can do them and it never really affects any other part of their life (the most sensible man I have ever met regularly takes ecstasy) and there are others who start off fine and it becomes a problem. My DP will never have a controlled relationship with cannabis. He cannot enjoy it at weekends without feeling like there is really something missing in the week, therefore he does it very occasionally after a hell of a lot of rows etc from myself. He does have a DD who he doesn't live with and I often wondered how, in the heights of his addiction, it would differ, if at all if she did.

It is very subjective. How much is this affecting you, him, familiy in a negative way. I really understand your concern

How is his behaviour in between binges? Has he always done this?

Oh and the walking out when he wants without discussion - that is not good in itself, is he stressed?

Most of the people on here know that I left my ex due to his selfish way and his love of the party life..

he may have an addiction he may not..

You can't rely on him stopping because either he's addicted or he's too selfish.. imo save yourself the months of heartaches I went through and answer the following question..

Will you live with it if he doesn't change?

if the answer is yes stay. if the answer is no, leave... if he really wants you more than that he will work to get you back.

If he is dedicated and organised in other areas of his life I wouldn't treat this is a major problem.

For some men the problem will only escalate when it becomes an issue between the two of you. For some the 'naughty' or rebellious side of them will come out when put under pressure.

Joscie - have you ever used Cocaine yourself?