How to handle the uncertainty caused by DW rethinking our marriage?

[DiscontinuedModelHusband]

DW has raised some questions about our future and suggested she needs to work through what she really wants in terms of our/a long term relationship.

I'm unsure how to navigate this.
I want to give her time, but am struggling with the uncertainty, and have no idea how to act around her at the moment.

DW and i have been married 20+ years.

We met as teenagers, were in the same city at uni, and married soon after graduating.

We had DC1 a couple of years later, and further DCs followed over the next few years.

DW has a very complicated relationship with her parents (MIL in particular).
For the first 25+ years of our relationship I would say they were codependent, and extremely enmeshed.

Neither DW or I have had much in terms of non-family friendships (DW's never really had any, and my friendships tailed off due to MIL/DW pressure, and admittedly quite a lot of passivity on my part.

In the last couple of years, DW has joined an activity with a very sociable group. She's developed some quite strong friendships within the group (with both sexes, but mainly female).

During a similar timeframe, MIL has displayed some inexcusable intolerances (I've shared these before) relating to one of the DCs. This has to a large extent reshaped our view of her, but the scales have well and truly fallen from DW's eyes.

This has been aided/accelerated by the support/advice she's had from her new friendship group. To be clear - they're all lovely people, and the advice and support has been genuine and helpful!

Earlier this year, I had a couple of months professionally that were extremely intense, demanding, and not very enjoyable. I freely admit it did affect me at home, and although I was always present, I was somewhat distant and detached.

Immediately following this, DW had a similarly stressful period at work that lasted basically until about a month ago. She was similarly quiet, detached and distant.

We've had periods like this many times during our marriage. Normally we get through the difficult periods and naturally turn back towards each other, or one of us calls the other out, and we make a concerted effort to reengage with each other.

However, just before our recent family holiday, the distance came up between us in conversation, and DW stated she wasn't sure we could recover. That she had been re-evaluating a lot of things in her life, including the co-dependence with her DM, and whether in fact the things she's always wanted and valued were really her thoughts, or just her mother's.

She's asked for some time to work through this.

This has been a bit of a double-edged sword. I've been desperate for years for her to recognise the co-dependency, and to enjoy who she really is, and what she is capable of. But always acknowledged to myself that this might be a risk to our relationship.

Now it's happened.

She's been open about loving what we have had, and what we've shared and created, and readily recognises what i've contributed to this.

But we don't have much in common on paper in terms of interests.
She now has a full and vibrant social life. I don't. I have a couple of close long-term friends, but our contact is mostly by phone or text. We meet up maybe a handful of times a year.

The DCs are all older - either young adults, or on the cusp of. In the next 5 years, all will have finished their educations and will be entering the world of work, and will have lives all of their own - as we've always wanted for them.

DW is worried that we'll continue to become more distant from each other, and resentment might set in.

This is definitely a possibility, but we've always worked hard to make sure that doesn't happen. My sense however, is that DW might not want to keep putting that work in.

Things at home now are extremely awkward.
Neither of us really know how to behave around each other. We've always been very close and affectionate, but this has disappeared completely.

I veer from sadness, to anger, to overthinking about practicalities.

DW has committed to counselling to help her through this, but has set no timelines.

I don't know how long I can live in this situation, but I realise I can't dictate her timelines.

I don't know what to do.

You sound like a really thoughtful person. I'm sorry you're going through this - take the opportunity to focus on yourself and find out what you want from your life. Easy to type that out, I know.

What a difficult situation. I’m particularly struck by your description of your sleeping arrangements - I recognise the awfulness of that proximity without intimacy.

People have doubts and change, but to announce them and begin the process of reducing intimacy like that is a big deal. It suggests she’s already made up her mind, and is easing things to a close - whether she knows it or not. Sadly I too would strongly suspect an affair, whether physical or emotional.

Do you have enough leave and/or are the children self sufficient enough for you to go on a trip for a week/weekend? It might be useful to give each other some space. The reality of that may focus her mind one way or the other.

You seem strangely less affected by the idea that she may have met someone else than most people would be in this situation. Also you sound sure that you will sort this all out in the end and remain together.

Do you feel that would be the best solution? This transition time which is making you so uncomfortable could be having that impact because really you know it may end with the massive change and trauma of a break up. Are you prepared for that to happen?

Perhaps it would be wise to begin developing the person you might have been without the negatives of the last 30 years. Whether or not you stay together, this will serve you in good stead. Do what you want to do regardless of being too young or too male or whatever. Try new stuff. Study or watch films or get involved in the theatre or start cycling, bridge, chess… art classes or a book group, an allotment or the local civic society.

I hope things work out one way or another for you.

You need to pursue your hobbies

Amd maybe go to couples counselling

Honestly OP, I have a feeling there is much more to this than you’re willing to share. Your story reminded me of myself five years ago. I did the same thing your wife is doing: I started counselling and told my now‑ex that I was trying to figure something out. About a month into it, we were living a normal life except for the lack of sex, he panicked and asked how much longer this would go on. I felt that was unfair. When you’re in a crisis like this, you need time to work things out, and you truly cannot know how long it will take.

I postponed my own self‑work for a while because of Covid, but we ended up separating about a year later. To this day, my ex keeps saying he has no idea what happened or why I left. The truth is, he was very controlling, had narcissistic tendencies, was dismissive, never wanted to engage in couples therapy, and refused to accept that anything might be wrong with him. I was deeply unhappy in my marriage, and after twenty‑five years, I realized I couldn’t continue. I did want to give therapy a try, but once he refused to participate, I made up my mind.

While you don’t owe honesty to strangers on the internet, I do suggest some introspection. I’m sure you’ll find your answers there. Yes, it’s possible your wife has found someone else, but my bet is that she has simply had enough.

You really need to get your own therapist to work out your own feelings and emotions. Your DW would likely see this as something very positive.

Try out a new interest? Padel is becoming so popular now, is very accessible and many clubs have groups you can join. This way you get to leave the house, keep fit and meet new people. You are going to need people around you if you separate, but again seeing you do interesting things and meet new people is going to make you more attractive in your DW’s eyes than if you simply stay home and ‘wait’.

OP - less think, more do.

Get out there and meet people and do things. See if you like them by doing then, not be sitting at home considering whether you may enjoy them.

It will help to rebuild your self esteem which makes any man more attractive. A life outside the home will make you more interesting to talk to as you will have things to say to her that she will not already about as they won't relate to your shared space. Once you have a full social calendar, then you may have the swagger to date her - meet her out, charm her, treat her as someone unfamiliar as familiarity is what she is escaping at the moment. You have to build a life outside of her in order to lure her back.

You are young - only in your 40s! Get back thy swagger!

I really do appreciate all your thoughts!

Although this is a sad situation, and I'm struggling with it, I'm not sure it's affecting my self-esteem as such.

I know my value.

I know what I bring to our marriage, I know what my faults are, and I know that on balance I am more than a good husband/partner.

I hope this doesn't make me sound like a dick?

Because of this, I'm a bit reluctant to try and "win her back".
I'm not sure I want to change myself to be more attractive to her.

I do realise I need to make some changes, but these need to happen regardless, and will be for me. Not for her.

I'm absolutely not lazy - I do way more than my share at home, and in terms of parenting, our family mental load has always been more on my shoulders, as her job is much more intense and emotionally involving than mine. That's always been fine between us.

I also am still pretty heavily involved with 2 separate youth groups. It's not that I'm sat at home miserable all the time. But neither are particularly social organisations, so it's really that social interaction that I'm missing and need to build.

That’s the thing, isn’t it. It’s not about making yourself more attractive to her so much as rounding out your own life. If she feels more comfortable and stays, great (assuming you still want her to). If she doesn’t then you are in a stronger position to manage future changes in your life. 💐

as for the infidelity question - yeah i guess i understand why it sounds strange i wouldn't be more bothered about it.

the way i see it is that whether i'm being compared to an actual, existing human being, or some composite hypothetical future partner, the outcome is the same?

if i don't measure up, then that's probably it.

i also feel a bit that if she thinks an actual person already in her life ticks the boxes i tick, AND ticks a load of others i don't, she's probably going to be disappointed (and if it's who i think is the most likely candidate, she already knows it's going to be as much, if not more of a compromise of what she's always held to be important than i am).

similarly if she thinks it's likely she will find someone brand new who ticks all the boxes with no compromises, she'll also likely be disappointed (though i guess not impossible).

for the record, i don't suspect a physical infidelity, or indeed an emotional one. but i do think its entirely possible there's a friendship that's very close to the EA line (probably being held there consciously on her part), and that this person and I are VERY different.

so i do think this is playing into her considerations, but i don't think there is anything i can really do about that.

and this is it i think.

i've always been a "just fucking sort it out" person.

finding it hard to live up to that right now though!

also, it hasn't helped that we've recently returned from a long-haul family holiday, so i've had 2 long flights, 2 weeks of terrible sleep while away, and then severely jet-lag impacted sleep since we got home! so i've had way too much time to overthink.