Parents in old age- your thoughts please

[girlnextdoor]

Don't know if this is the right place but here goes.

Parents are 81 and 82 and in pretty good nick for their ages, although both have had minor strokes recently- BUT they are failing visibly. I am very lucky to have parents that old, as most of my friend's parents are dead. However, I often wonder just how I will cope when they die. I simply cannot imagine life without them- yet I live 250 miles away and have done for over 30 years, and am very independent.

I am just dreading the day when I get THAT phone call..I feel sick at the thought of it. I also feel regret/guilt for moving away and hardly seeing them more than 3x a year for the last 30 years.

I KNOW they would have wanted what was best for me- but I truly think my mum has never got over my moving south- and I wish it could have been different.

anyone?

I know it's a frightening thought because then you're an orphan. My parents aren't as old as your mum and dad but I feel quite queasy sometimes when I see how they're aging and realising that I may not have them both in 10 years time.

What I would say is...they're not dead yet! If you feel guilty about only seeing them three times a year then why not really try and see them a bit more often. Could you even take them on holiday just you and them? Doing things like that will make you feel more at peace I think.

I hope what I am going to say helps.

I felt I could not imagine a life without my mum (my dad died when I was very young).I was very close to her, I too felt sick at the thought of the phone call, and imagining how it would happen.

My mum died 2 years ago...I survived, but before she died I never ever thought I would have. I miss her all the time, but it has been nothing like I imagined it would be. There is grief, but also the acceptance that life is a circle, and we all go in the end. I am also less scared of dying since she passed away. I coped much much better than I thought I would (and I am not one of life' copers believe me). She lived a long time, so I had her for a long time. Small things like that mean more afterwards.

hth

I hope this helps

Thanks both of you- holidays are out, I'm afraid as they ar e both not really that well enough and like their own home- seeing them more often- yes, I am trying, but i do have to fit it around work.

I was in a similar situation until my 81 year old mother suddenly died 4 years ago. We had lived 150 miles away for over 20 years. I realised she was getting frailer so had braced myself for that awful phone call. Still a terrible shock though and I was completely bereft for a long time. Things are much better now. We were very close and I found myself wishing it was my father who had died and not her which then made me feel even worse. Now, I'm grateful to have had an opportunity to get closer to my father.

He still lives 150 miles away and I am his only social contact. He was recently diagnosed with an operable tumour so I have been going up every week for his hospital sppointments plus working full time and have 3 DCs. It's hard. Part of me wishes he would fail just a little bit more then he might decide to sell up and move nearer to me.

Not much advise I'm afraid but I do know how you feel. The dynamics of your relationship will alter when you have just one parent left.

It's hard when you have to balance work with personal life. Still maybe you could use someof your annual leave and dedicate it to them where usually you wouldn't.

For what it's worth,I think the most important thing is to make sure you have done and said everything you want or need to. I lost a great friend two years ago and what still eats away is not so much their loss but something I wish I'd done.

I agree with climb. I wish I'd talked about how my mum felt when her mum died, and what she thought about dying

You're allright!

Fizzbuzz- I wish that I could do that too- mu gran died when I was 21 and had moved 250 miles away- at the time, I was concerned for my Mum but I have been rather uncaring etc when it is he anniversary of HER parent's deaths- I have been very dismissive and made out she is being overly sentimental- the thing is, we are always one step behind our parents'experiences- it's like trying to jump on your own shadow- and by the time we catch up, it is often too late to say those things.

But at 21 you are like that. It is only when you are older you can see these things.

I also think losing parents when you are older is easier (but not easy) than losing them when you are in say, your 20's or early 30's. I think you are still children in a way at that age until you have to reverse roles with your parents and you start taking care of them. I somehow think if you have reached this point, it is a it easier to let them go.

If I had lost my mum when I was 25 or so, I don't know what I would have done. But as you get older and further away from childhood, I think you become more adult in a way. And also you have your own family as well.

Dp lost his dad a year after my mum passed away. He too siad he had dreaded it all his life, to the extent that it had made him ill in his 20's. But he survived too........

The guilt is hard, but I think you feel it whatever. My mum lived 5 mins from me, but I still felt guilty all the time

Both my parents were diagnosed with a terminal illness last year when I was 33. Mum died in October from breast cancer aged 55. Dad has huntington's disease and so although terminally ill in that there is no treatment or cure...he is not expected to die right away...he is 57 and continues to deteriorate slowly.

From a selfish point of view I think it was difficult to face lose them at this stage in my life. I was studying full time for a degree and had a seven year old son. It was and continues to be a heartbreaking balancing act between my own family needs and my parents. Had my parents lived longer and I lost them in my forties or fifties when my child was grown up and my career more settled then I would have had much more time to commit to their care without feeling guilty about neglecting other area of my life.

My Dad died when I was 35. I had mixed feelings as we weren't close and my parents had divorced when I was 26.

I lived at least 180 miles away from my mum from 1986 to 2000 when she moved to be near my brother and I. I now live in Belgium and she is in the UK. For us, that is how it is. She wants me to live my life and not worry about her. My mil lived at least and hour and a half away from her mum until her mum died this year at 98. Just as we can't live our lives through our kids, neither can our parents. It doesn't mean that we don't love them, but we have to live our own lives.

Try looking at it the other way; even if you were there, you would still be feeling the same as you do now, as there will be a hole in your life when they've gone whatever you do and wherever you live.

Life is a series of choices, you make the ones that are suitable at the time. You can't factor in everything, and can only do your best, which it seems you are doing.

Good luck with it, and don't begin to feel bad about a situation that hasn't happened yet. Enjoy your parents while they're here and remember them with happiness when they're not.

BNW- sorry to hear about your parents- hope you cope ok with your Dad.

ST- yes, I agree and acknowledge all of those things. I suppose now that I have a DD I want her to be happy, but if she ever lives along way away, it will be something I wish I could change!

My mum comes from the generation where families lived only a few miles from each other, or even in the same street! her experience as a Mum with me, is totally different from hers as a daughter- she was very close emotionally and geographically to her own mum, and I feel that in one sense I have been a "disappointment" to her. I also wish that I could just pop round for a cuppa, instead of having to spend 4hrs getting there, and it becoming a major event. The truth is, I never wanted to return to that part of the UK once I had left- it wasn't that I didn't want to be closer to my parents.

I don't think there is ever a "good" time for your parents to die- if you are younger it is harder in some ways, but when you are older, they have been around so long that you start to forget they are mortal.

I think even if you lived in the same area as your parents and not miles away you would still be feeling the way you are at the moment - it's a normal feeling as your parents are in their eighties now - you would dread that phone call wherever you lived. Maybe have a little chat with them to say that you love them a lot and miss them a lot even if that's not how you usually are with them and leave these things unsaid. I'm sure they do know all this already and just by feeling the way you do shows how much you care.

Thanks for your good wishes GND...I am finding it much more of a struggle with dad than with mum - I imagine it might be similar with other daughter and fathers.

I was living with my parents last year when my parents became ill and so I was very involved in their care every day. This included bathing,dressing and feeding my mum in her last few months. The fact I was there in the house meant that mum was able to stay at home until three weeks before she died.
Now dad is not quite at the stage of needing help with such personal care but I do not think that I could ever bring myself to look after him in such an intimate way and I know that dad would hate the idea of me having to do these things for him...but on the other hand if it keeps him at home longer then that has to be a good thing. But then I feel guilty that I managed do to it for mum but not dad...

DO you have any siblings that live closer to your parents and can keep an eye on them for you?

All the best.
bentneckwine

I lived hundreds of miles away in the UK and then abroad until my late 30s. Not long after I came back to the UK dad had terminal cancer. Mum nursed him at home and I tried to get up at weekends and I stayed the last week and to arrange the funeral etc. It was tough though as dh was chronically ill and I was doing an MPhil at the time.

After dad died I got mum a sheltered flatlet through the council and she moved down here. It was definitely a good move especially as she became terminally ill less than 2 years later. I nursed her at my home for her last weeks (during my PhD this time...).

I have no siblings and my parents did not really mix with anybody. I had always dreaded their being so ill but it happens to us all and you get through it. Hospice care can also be very good.

It was very stressful and I'm thankful dh was supportive of having mum at home. Bent - you can get carers from social services to come twice a day to help (unfortunately my mum would not let them near her). It was easier nursing mum than dad - I didn't do any personal care with him until close to the end when mum really couldn't manage on her own.

I'm going to recommend to dd that she uses hospice care for us if we get too ill. I suppose you just have to try and keep your emotional affairs in order and never let the sun go down on a cross word - sort of like wearing your better knickers in case you get hit by a bus. Mum and i had a very difficult relationship so I think things ended as well as they could (barring a few ghastly incidents and remarks that I just try not to think about - that's families I guess).

Hi Acinonyx...dad was happy enough to let the social services be involved when mum was dying as we persuaded him that it was set up for mum alone when in reality it was a joint assessment. His illness causes dementia style problems and he can't cope well with people or any change to his routine. So once mum died he refused to have any of these services back in the house.

At the moment he is living alone but I live on the same street and can be in his house in moments. We tried to apply for a sheltered house for him but as he is below pension age he was not eligible to join the list. His behaviour can be really challenging which has resulted the police being called for noise disturbance...hard when he doesn't know what time of day it is and so he has TV etc going in the middle of the night.

I think in many ways mum's illness was easier to deal with. She had cancer and so in the last months I dealt with pills, pain management and personal care. Also other people were sympathetic and helpful. Whereas with dad his illness although physical manifests itself in mental health difficulties which are much harder to deal with and most people are unaware of the actual illness and so can't offer much in the way of realsitic advice.

Thanks for your advice
bentneckwine

There is an old saying "may you live all the days of your life." My dad did. It was a shock when he died, but he had lived longer than I ever anticipated for him, bearing in mind all the medical problems he had, and I am thankful that he didn't have a lingering end with lots of pain and indignity.

He is still with me in my memory. I often find myself saying " .... as my Dad used to say" and quoting him.