Struggling with lack of attraction to my husband during menopause

[Westy81]

Im really struggling 😞
Im 48 and have been married for 25 years. 4 children and 1 grandchild.
Recently I’ve been really struggling with my feelings towards my husband. I don’t find myself sexually attracted to him, and I have 0 sex drive, even though I know he’s a very attractive man and people often tell me this!! Worse than that I actually find he gives me the “ick” as my kids say!! Things he does or says actually make my skin crawl sometimes, and I absolutely hate it when he drinks (weekends only usually) I really find it repulsive.
i absolutely hate that I am feeling this way and I don’t know why? I started HRT recently and I’m praying it helps……somehow!! I feel so down about everything right now 😞

I would suggest testosterone gel. You can get it from your GP by seeing one that has a special interest in female health. It did wonders for my sex drive and I feel great on it. Once you've been on it a few months see if that helps.

Thank you so much for that! I had never considered Testosterone? I have the coil and have just started oestrogen spray but I will absolutely look into this. Thank you

I’d really recommend Vagifem or Vagirux, a vaginal oestrogen pessary. It gets straight to work!

If you have an issue with him drinking you need to tell him this. All the HRT in the world won’t solve anything if there’s a genuine reason why you’ve gone off him (I know hormones are a genuine reason too, I just mean a tangible thing you can say you don’t like).

Personally my sex drive dropped off a cliff when I stopped producing oestrogen aged 37 due to an autoimmune issue and no amount of HRT has made any difference whatsoever.

It could also be that the loss of the hormones which supported your female socialisation - ie to accept the shit that men do, put the family before your own needs come what may - is making you see him for who he is.

Lots of women find this.

Yep, absolutely.

I wouldn’t go on HRT for that reason alone.

Why does everyone assume it is her hormones? What if, after 25 years, she has just changed and doesnt fancy him anymore? What if after 25 years, she realises he annoys her? People do change!

I do think there is a lot of this. I think I’ve always been an incredibly maternal woman, although I’ve always run my own business I’ve always looked at being a mum and wife as my greatest achievement and my deepest love. I think I take on a lot and I almost feel like I’ve not got anything left to give, I think I’ve perhaps “put up” with so much off so many people that I’ve just had enough. I love my husband it just feels like I’ve let a lot of things build up and now it’s all toppled over. He doesn’t drink excessively so when he does he feels the effects quickly and I just can’t stand the slurring and loudness that goes with it. It probably doesn’t help that I don’t really drink and I think he feels I’m a bit boring cos I won’t have a drink with him anymore.

You are right in this too I think. He definitely does annoy me and I probably just had more tolerance years ago. I think along with my hormones doing one my tolerance for people’s shit had gone with it.

Yes unfortunately this happened to me and I ended up leaving my husband after 30 years I just couldn't cope with another 30 years with him to be honest.

Everyone has adapted and after initially thinking I was happy on my own, in fact I met a really lovely man who I'm very sexually attracted to, and who doesn't annoy me at all. To be honest I think I got married too young and didn't necessarily have all my boxes ticked with my ex husband.

I am so worried this may be a thing for me. I think I may have compromised on lots of things. The thing is he is a good man who works incredibly hard for our family but I think I’ve kind of been waiting for him to grow up and I just don’t think he has, maybe he never will. But I look at everything and think I’m the one that has changed not him so is this all really his fault?

I don't know I just realized that mine was a complete man child who had not grown up and I'd ended up doing everything and he got to play all his life really.

He immediately left the country and his job and he's living in Thailand on the money that I bought him out of the house with with no intentions of ever getting a job again or coming back to see his children all his elderly father.

This kind of makes me realize that I did the right thing.

Jesus he definitely proved you right!!!
I know my DH would be absolutely crushed, that’s the thing. I know he loves me but I’m just not sure if he can cope with the differences that are happening in me! I think I’ve mothered him for years along with the kids but now I’m the one feeling resentful

couples therapy?

Could well be something I need to look into.