I posted in the chat thread but potentially that was not the right place.
So, I don’t really know where else to turn and I feel rather embarrassed. I think I just need some outside perspective and some practical advice on what my next steps could be, because I don’t really have anyone in my life I can ask.
I’m 30, in a very early new LDR, work full time in a respectable field and have a degree. My father has passed away and my mother has struggled with her mental health for as long as I can remember. She also suffers from seizures, bipolar disorder and depression. Because of her health and other family circumstances, I’ve spent a large part of my life feeling responsible for looking after her and my younger siblings. Over the years, that has meant supporting the family emotionally and financially, often at the expense of my own life.
I’ve covered expenses when I honestly probably couldn’t afford to, put off saving, and generally prioritised my family over building any security for myself. Even the occasional times I’ve travelled or done something for myself, I’ve been made to feel extremely guilty about it and that replays in my mind.
I realise now that some of the financial decisions I made weren’t sensible. My credit isn’t great as a result, although I’m working on rebuilding it slowly. I never really had anyone to teach or advise me about finances or what I should be doing, so most things I’ve had to figure out and navigate myself.
Recently, the situation at home has become much worse, and I’ve reached the point where I know I need to leave.
My relationship with my mother can be extremely difficult and, at times, abusive. I’ve spent years trying not to take the things she says personally because I understand that she has significant mental health problems. But when you hear the same put downs repeatedly for years, eventually they start affecting the way you see yourself. More recently there have also been threats to my safety, and I don’t think continuing to live here is healthy or sustainable for me anymore. To confirm, she is only like this with me and not my other siblings, which I find incredibly painful considering I love them all so much.
My family is in Central London and my mother doesn’t own the property we live in.
I earn a reasonable salary, so I know I’m fortunate in that respect. However, I don’t have significant savings and I’m still repairing my credit. I would love to buy somewhere eventually, but realistically I don’t think I’m ready for a mortgage yet. I don’t even have a 5% deposit saved and the odd people I’ve spoken to (mostly colleagues or friends) have advised me not to rush into buying.
So I think my immediate priority needs to be finding a way to move out. I’m constantly looking online, but I feel overwhelmed and genuinely don’t know where to start.
I understand that staying in London, particularly near my family, might not be realistic financially. I’m willing to move further away if that’s what it takes, although the thought of leaving my younger siblings behind breaks my heart. At the same time, I’m beginning to realise that I can no longer sacrifice my entire life trying to protect everyone else.
Has anyone been in a similar situation and managed to get out and rebuild their life? If you were in my position at 30, with a full time income but limited savings and imperfect credit, what would you do first?
I think what I’m really looking for is some reassurance that there is a way forward, but also practical advice about what I should actually do next.
In full transparency, I just feel super trapped and suffocated by it all and the feeling is intensifying. In no way do I blame my family, if anything I’m mad at myself for allowing this all to happen.
Thank you to anyone that takes the time to read and any / all advice is appreciated.