Marriage and Money

[bigfatpieceofchocolate]

I would like some advice on how to deal with My DH who is hopeless with money and organising stuff but is otherwise a lovely man who cannot do enough for his family.

His money problems:

He got into severe difficulties with non payment of tax and I had to bail him out for over £60K - remortgaging a flat that I had bought before I married him.

He regularly gets parking tickets (bit better on these now but one year they amounted to over £500). The main issue is that he forgets to pay the original fine so it builds up.

He is owed loads of money by an old customer but is not chasing for it in any organised way - which may lead him to loose it.

What just popped through the door (hence this post) was an unexpected bill for £3.5K - for fees he should have been paying since 2005 - a professional subscription.

He is nearly 40 and has no pension arrangements or investments at all. He can afford to sort something out (although not massive) but does not bother.

He was taken to court for non payment of a bill - the reason he sited in the court papers was that he had not opened the 9 reminders because he thought it was junk mail!

And it goes on. One thing after another keeps cropping up.

How this effects our lives:

We are fortunate to have been able to afford the above messes but:

(i) He has lied and hidden some of the above and always played down the seriousness (eg on the major tax bill he for years said that it would not be a concern because he earned so little he would have no tax to pay) because is embarrassed and shamed by his behaviour. This has led me to stop trusting him and made me feel more insecure and anxious about 'what next?'

(ii) I am the principle earner - and although so far I have been just able to afford all of this mess - I don't want to and resent the fact that I should pay for him being a twat. I want to go part time in my job (I work f/t) to spend more time with the kids and / or change my job to something else because I dislike what I do - if I do either option or both - it will involve a major pay cut. I don't feel I can do this because although we could afford me working part time financially this is stretching it and I don't know what other skeletons might be in DH's cupboard

(iii) My pension will not stretch to two - I would resent having to scrape and scrimp in old age because he effectively never got around to sort stuff out when he was younger

(iv) we bought an old house that needs a lot of work and money spent on it. The finances for this (most of it) is coming from money that he said he would be paid for past jobs. We moved 2 years ago and none of it materialised. I think that we will need to move (or live in a dump). When I raise this with him he just says nothing.

(v) I am very concerned that I have tied all my assets into a house jointly owned by us - he promised me that he would never want any equity from my old flat that I bought pre marriage and that he would always pay me back the tax bills (now all sunk into the present house). But when we bought this house I suggested not having a 50:50 share of the house and he refused - saying that I should trust him etc. Am I being abused here? Should I have insisted? I am now inclined to do a post nuptial agreement - is this possible?

(vi) the main concern is more than financial. It's that as the years go by my respect for him has dripped away. After one problem is solved there always seems to be another one that crops up and I am tired and fed up with it. Love goes out the window for me. I don?t feel proud of having this man for a husband. Also he is a proud man (who always likes to be right) but recognises that he is a complete twat in this area. This I think has eroded his confidence and weakens our relationship somehow because it changes the way he behaves with me. At the same time my sympathy is limited because no matter how bad he feels he does nothing about it - it does not change anything.

I have tried everything - we have sat together and drawn up spreadsheets / bought him diaries and note books and at the opposite end of the spectrum I have screamed and shouted and torn my hair out.

I don't know what next to do but feel sure that this will lead to our splitting up if we don't do something. How can I avoid this?

Any ideas?

Go an see an independent financial/legal adviser and work out some way of making sure that his financial crapness can't harm you or the DC any longer. You need some way of either legally disowning his debts or taking full control of his money ie his earnings getting paid into an account that you have control over, and you give him pocket money (and he can't get credit without your consent). I am not enough of an expert to tell you how this is done but there are ways to minimise the damage to your own credit rating/savings etc.

my father in law says love walks out the door the same time as money worries walks in......i cant blame you for feeling like this but only you know if your relationship is salvgeable....you MUST follow madamez advice,you also need to build up some csh sepertely for you and your dc in time of crisis.

the thing about the 50-50 share in the house is odd bcos your share is greater hes crap with muney and his debts could lose you -your home so ideally the home should be in your name alone...that wy you are secure in the knowledge you have a home.

good luck i think this may be a hard task

I think that your biggest problem is the sixth - the fact that your respect for him has been eaten away. I can completely understand how that has happened, and I don't really know what you can do about it, except maybe counselling.
The other stuff - does your DH have a work pension? If he does then it is well worth getting that automatically paid, so that he doesn't have to think about it. And if he gets a contribution from his employer then all to the good.
To be honest, I organise all of DH's finances. I open his (business) post and pay all the bills and sort out the savings and investments. My situation is different though - I'm a SAHM and really enjoy it, and DH is happy to have one thing less to do!
I suppose that the only other thing would be to get someone professional to do a complete financial audit for both of you - at least then you can know the worst and make decisions accordingly.

I completely agree with madamez - you need to safeguard your own interests first and foremost.

IME people's attitudes to money are deep-seated and therefore difficult to change, but it is possible. I imagine his embarrasment about his crapness with money is like a vicious circle - the worse things get, the harder it is for him to face up to them.

IF you do want to try to work it out I think you need to give him some kind of positive future to work towards so he is not just focussing on how crap he is, although he needs to understand the impact of his behaviour in the long term. There's a part of marriage that's like a business partnership - you are both running your joint life together and he needs to face up to his responsibilities in this respect. It's not enough to pay half the bills or whatever and have his debts as his problem, they affect all of you. Perhaps if he can see clearly his role/responsibility in creating a happy future for your family it'll help.

Perhaps as MrsTittleMouse says you should both sit down with a decent financial adviser and agree a way forward.

FWIW it took me a few years to realise some of this, I used to get really shirty when DH frowned at my shopping habits and went on at me to save - although it's him who's always forgetting to pay credit cards etc.

Good luck

Fix the finance first then worry about the relationship. Don't let him bleed you dry in the name of 'love'.
If he is a good partner or parent in other ways then you may be able to work with that and salvage some respect/friendship/love for him, but fix the practical aspects of the finance first because he has had his chances and has fucked them up and both you and your DC deserve better.

And I say this as someone who is herself a financial disaster area but slowly improving: I don't do couplehood and one of the many blessings of that is that I do not have to feel guilty about having fucked anyone else's credit rating.

Thanks all of you for your support . I posited this message on the day I opened another letter asking for money that I did not know DH owed but it transpired that they were mistaken and with continued nagging he is slowly sorting it out. So I feel a bit better (as it felt very last straw) but nevertheless it is easy to get complacent until the next disaster and I will certainly take up some of your very practical suggestions and hopefully sort ourselves out (which I know he too would dearly like to do). Thanks