My Mom Has Stage 4 Cancer and Still Cleans Up After My Brother

[RareKhakiSeal]

My brother is 34 and lives with his wife and 2-year-old with our parents.

Initially, he moved out in his early 20s but eventually moved back in after dealing with a mental health episode. Since then, his girlfriend moved in, they got married, had a child, and are now looking to have a second. I moved abroad* with my family and regularly visit.

Normally, this situation hasn't really fazed me until recently.

Our mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and is currently going through treatment, although the prognosis isn't looking promising. She has always been the rock and glue of our family, but I never realised just how much she actually did, especially when it came to the housework.

She would come home from work, mop the floors, wash the dishes, cook, do the shopping, organise the laundry, etc. Meanwhile, my brother and sister-in-law would come home from work and then tutor in the evenings to save money for a house.

I never really saw that side of things when I visited previously, especially because my mom was always happy and never complained.
However, with her health deteriorating, I came back for a longer visit and was honestly shocked by the state of the house. Neither my brother nor my sister-in-law seems to bother running a house. My mom still organises their laundry, and I actually watched her start cleaning the kitchen that they had left in a mess almost as soon as we got back from her chemotherapy treatment.
I confronted her about it, and her response was that she doesn't want to nag them too much and risk pushing them out of the house, because they do help in other ways, such as taking her to appointments.

Neither of them contributes towards the bills, rent or food. This makes my blood boil, especially because both of my parents are still working to cover the costs of running the house. Yes, that's right, an incredibly ill person still works five days a week to cover their additional costs. She won't accept disability benefit which she is entitled for because it doesn't cover the monthly outgoings.

I asked my brother when he would consider buying a place of his own. His response was that they want to have a second child soon and that he plans to continue living with my parents until the children are a few years old.

I mentioned to him that he had recently taken an ice cream out of the freezer, left the wrapper on the kitchen island and simply walked away. Our barely mobile mother with her only one functioning hand, saw the wrapper and ended up cleaning up after him.

I'm not really sure what I can do. I feel heartbroken and incredibly frustrated. I don't want to create a huge family conflict, especially when my mom is already going through so much, but at the same time I feel like someone needs to step in, but i can't do it either.

*For some additional context: My mother had cancer about 15 years ago. She fought bravely and went into remission. She decided that she wanted to reconnect with her family—her parents and siblings—all of whom live close to each other abroad. As a family, we decided to move over together. I would go first, as I had young children, buy a house, and eventually my parents would move over and live with me so that my mom could spend time with her parents.
My brother's mental breakdown meant that my parents waited. By the time my mom was starting the paperwork to move over, she received the news that her cancer had returned.

I absolutely hear you, this would drive me insane. You precious mum needs support love and care right now!

Is there not room for a calm conversation from the ‘this treatment is really taking it out on mum, I think we all need to look at how we can support her in other ways’ rather than going straight to the nuclear option (which I would want to do in your circumstances, grrr selfish entitled idiots)?

Maybe asking them out for a coffee to have this chat?

The resentment you feel will only spill over of you don’t try to have that conversation. Can’t your dad help with this conversation and be present at the chat?

I'm trying to keep calm before I say the obvious and it is driving me insane.

In between writing the original post and replying to you. I went downstairs to check on my sleeping mom to only find her in the kitchen. SIL was meant to make lunch, screwed it up, so my brother woke up our mother to get help advice on what to make instead. I just had to walk away before i said anything.

Dad acknowledges everything that i see and has tried to reason with my mom. Her go to response is that he is fragile due to his breakdown eight years ago. Dad also has taken to drinking a lot more as a coping mechanism since the diagnosis.

Christ, that's awful. For your mum and you. I'd be absolutely raging.

I've known people like your brother. Having a blunt conversation with him is the right thing to do, but I think the sad truth is that he's probably unlikely to budge in any significant fashion.

I think you need to stage an intervention. Sit everyone down and say what you have said here - that the situation is not sustainable or fair for your mum and that it needs to change. Your brother will be defensive but you need to stand your ground. If they are not paying rent then they should pay for a cleaner at least if they aren’t cleaning!

I think this will damage your relationship with your brother and SIL and you will never forgive yourself if you don’t say anything

@RareKhakiSeal is it possible that flitting around after your feckless brother and his partner gives her purpose atm? I’m just thinking of my mum and she is always on the move because she can’t stand not having a sense of purpose? Maybe this is why she’s unable to draw a boundary around looking after herself?

I’m surprised your dad isn’t taking a firmer stance with his son instead of having conversations with you and your mum.

I’d still try the ‘how can we support mum more approach?’ Or even try ‘aren’t you going to come back here and clear that up?’ but in a happy jokey voice to potentially get them both to see what they’re doing?!

Tbh I’d definitely do something before going nuclear but I would eventually blow if nothing changed. The anger would get too much for me!

Your brother and SIL sound like leeches, but sadly your parents enable them. I think firm words are needed.

I would tell them both it's likely your mum won't be around for much longer, (hopefully she has many many years left) where will they live then? Your mum doesn't want a newborn keeping her awake all night when trying to recover from chemo. If they can't be bothered to clean up the least they can do is pay for a cleaner. Lazy sods.

Your brother's a CF and a complete waste of space as is his wife. He should be prioritising a new home for his family and while doing that they should both pull their weight and/or pay for a cleaner.

It is your mother's decision to how she runs the household though especially if your father's not getting involved. Poor woman, she's not getting a lot of support.

This is such a hard situation OP and I think this is good advice.

I've been going through something similar, and absolutely feels your rage. I do also agree with the comment that your Mum might feel some sense of purpose by doing all this (not that it's right).

I do wonder if the work colleagues and friends of your B and SIL were aware how much cleaning etc your Mum does for them, they'd be surprised - and maybe make that point to them? It might not work to change their behaviour but it's hardly a point of pride to say my Mum, who is undergoing cancer treatment, tidys up after me - aren't I great? (I wonder the same thing about my own useless siblings)

Sounds like a difficult situation but first thing I would do is sit down with your Mum and work out what she wants / needs assuming nothing as sometimes when you have cancer things which are a distraction and company can help but it does sound like they are being thoughtless.

Your Mum is very likely to be eligible for PIP - it depends on how her condition affects her and scoring criteria are online. It can take a while to come through and don't be a martyr describing symptoms / what she can do but it does backdate. Macmillan has a helpline which can help her apply or someone else can be appointee if she isn't able and then money is paid to them for her. This benefit is available in or out of work.

A cleaner sounds a good idea and it could be PIP could be used for that or your brother and wife could pay or takeover cleaning themselves though I would imagine results would not be great compared to a cleaner.

I would also look if she can take a pension early or early / medical retirement or get signed off and look at sick pay / ESA if she gets signed off. Macmillan will be able to help on general things. I would encourage your Mum to stop doing things and rest and work with the family to find a solution. Try to keep it amicable as your Mum won't need more stress at this time.

I honestly don’t know what you should do but I want to say I feel your pain here.

Your dad needs to take a stand and stop taking refuge in the bottle.

Your brother has been enabled for way, way too long and is never going to change unless he's given an ultimatum.

Furious for you. I hope you can find a way through.

I shouldn't think bro and SIL have any intention of ever moving out of the house.

Agree, they're going nowhere.

Your Dad needs to talk to your brother and tell him to clean up after himself. If it was my brother I'd be giving him a piece of my mind.

Is your father doing more housework and caring?

I think if you say something, however nicely, it won’t go down well. They have their life which nobody objects to, you’re an outsider coming in and criticising before going back off again. (I am you, I made this mistake many years ago, I never did it again.)

The only person you should be speaking to about this is your mum. Your DB may be her soft spot; she may be doing it for her grandchild(ren); she may be doing it to feel needed; she may be doing it to pretend to herself that life goes on. There could be any number of reasons.

If you think your mum needs help, offer to pay for a cleaner for her. Yes yes, your DB and SIL should be picking up after themselves blah blah, but if you really want this situation to end you can make it happen. Just do it, and make it clear to everyone why you’re doing it and who you’re doing it for.

It’s not nice to see, for you, but you really can’t come into an established household and criticise unless you can actually do something about it yourself and do, in fact, do it.

Why isn't your dad speaking up? My dad would never have allowed any of us to treat our mum like that, he would have given us a massive bollocking and told us to shape up or move out!

If I were you, I'd be reading the riot act to your brother and SIL and I wouldn't hold back. It's absolutely ridiculous that they are getting away with this, the lazy freeloaders!