How much phone use by a partner is too much at home?

[IunderstandMissHannigan]

My other half uses his phone a lot (well, I think it’s a lot anyway).
he doom scrolls for hours on his days or time off work watching Facebook videos or reels, checks emails while we’re on holiday, group chats about his football or work colleagues, messages friends (and he has a lot of friends), checks every notification. It’s annoying like he’s not actually being present at home or with me and the kids.
how much do you think is too much? I have brought it up with him before (with counselling support for other reasons and he agreed he spent a lot of time on his phone - he tried setting screen time to 2 hours). That lasted a couple of weeks and now he just dismisses that notification. It’s probably the only one he doesn’t bother about.
it’s infuriating but I don’t know if I’m being controlling by asking him to use it less - he is an adult afterall and can do as he sees fit. It just bothers me but I try my very best to keep it to myself.
i hate that phone!

It's very much your business if he is using his phone all the time and not interacting with you and the children. His relationship with his family is obviously of less importance to him than his phone. He actually sounds as though he is addicted to his phone.

I think you should be having a serious conversation with him. What message is he sending to his children? And quite honsetly I don't see the point in a relationship with a man who has no interest in his partner.

Do you all sit down to mealtimes together and put your phones away. I think this is the first thing to aim for then you can build on that.

@risingup yeah I have always taught my children that. It’s house rule number one - “no phones at the table”. We are a busy family so tea time is always a time for us to be together - probably some would say I’m quite old fashioned about that ritual.
my (older) children are very good at that rule - the younger 2 don’t yet have phones but they know “no toys at the table” - DP chooses to sit on the sofa to watch tv and eat his meals though. It’s a rare thing for him to sit with us. That’s actually another thing that pisses me off! 🙈
How much time do you think is too much? Am I right to be annoyed with how he spends his time? What can I do to move forward because I hate feeling annoyed at it?

Well, for a start, he needs to be sitting at the table for meals, and without his phone - just like everyone else.

Yup, the meals you’ve cooked will only be served to those at the table. Simples.

DP chooses to sit on the sofa to watch tv and eat his meals though. It’s a rare thing for him to sit with us.

Wow.

DP chooses to sit on the sofa to watch tv and eat his meals though. It’s a rare thing for him to sit with us.

How does he explain this choice? Does he not agree that eating together as a family is a nice bonding thing to do?

Is he escaping the work of feeding small children? Is he bored by his family? How come that's become the routine?

Is there a compromise to be reached, like everyone have dinner in front of the tv once a week for a film or something and the rest of the time at the table?

I agree. Wow. I read that back and wondered when that became okay in our house. I like your suggestion of compromise and having a tv dinner once a week - I’m sure the kids would love that too!
what do you think about the phone? Do you think it’s linked and all pointing towards a pattern of avoidance.
constantly being on his phone can, at times, make me feel unimportant to him. I imagine the kids can sometimes feel like that too and it breaks my heart. I can’t change him, I’ve already brought it up with him and he did better for a few weeks but, at the end of the day, I can’t tell a grown ass man what to do… or can I? 🤔🤔🤔

Yes, the amount he's using his phone seems excessive to the point of addiction.

That’s pretty unacceptable. All at the table except him? Wow indeed. He’s adopted to his phone or just avoiding you and the children. Does he get involved in family life at all? Not much point being together if not.

He will get involved in things we do as a family but I do feel I need to ask him sometimes. I also feel I need to initiate plans with the kids - otherwise he’d happily sit on his phone and let the kids play in their rooms. I get that during holidays we can’t have expensive days out all the time and I’m actually all for kids playing and making their own games at home - builds imagination and creativity without relying on adult input. I guess it would just be nice if he gave us the same attention as his phone gets.
I know this has turned into a little moan and there are other people with much bigger problems. I just don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t want to make him seem like a shit father because he’s genuinely not. But sometimes I look at other dads playing with their kids and wish our children experienced that too 😞