Im at the end of it all.....................................................

[aquamum]

And im sad, scared and don't know where to go from here.................

Im a regular but as I have recently found out dh has been reading my threads and become annoyed i have changed names.

Im a sahm with 2 lo's, eldest being 3.

I don't even know where to start....
Been with dh since I was about 17 so around 12 years and like all couples we have had our ups and downs but I just seem to think more downs iykwim..Part of me thinks we wouldn't be together if we hadn't had the lo's.

I just feel the spark has gone in our mariage and our family and I don't even know if I want to/can reignite it.
Life is so hard work atm and just seems "work" & "bed" with no inbetween. Even the days when filled with the lo's are becoming a chore. So many times I love my "job" but the bad days are just that........bad.
Im tired of repeating myself with the lo's, constantly telling them no and so look forward to dh coming home BUT i know he doesn't want to come home mainly because its not restful for him once here and he seems to find excuses ALTHOUGH his help is invaluable with the lo's and he does his fare share. I just seem to even resent him when home and he has "toilet" breaks etc madness I know.

He not a regular to go out with the lads (mainly as I disagree for various reasons) YET when he does go out he's out till 6/7am and seems to have a far better time that if we go out.
We do go out as a couple but as dh has just pointed out today we have little to discuss, one seems to want to rush back (depends on who's parents are babysitting) and the conversation always turns to who's parents get a better deal with the lo's...It seems its always my mum who comes off best as she doesn't work etc....but I try and limit the time I spend with my mum but still with dh its not good enough. Snide comments "why doesn't she just move it", "she hates me", "she's trying to turn you against me"..etc...

Both dh & I are OTT when it comes to care for the lo's and I know we should let go a little but we can't..tried it etc..

So...whats left for us..? Best to go seperate ways before things turn sour between us..?

One last thing...SEX........its the last thing on my mind, its the 1st thing on dh's.

Sorry am in a rush but didn't want you to think your post has gone unread. I feel for you.

I am not really one to give advice as I am divorced from my husband. But I do remember those early days and how difficult they were.

I don't really think he should think of home as a restful place when you have two young DCs - yes you both have your downtime but at the same time both repsonsible for care of the DCs.

I suppose the one thing to do it is sit down and talk about it with him.

The arrival of children tests a marriage to its extreme. I hope someone else will be along soon with some more constructive advice.

PS and you are right about resentment. I let mine build and build - though I did talk to DH but he didn't really want to discuss. So in the end it became ingrained and had lost any chance of salvaging the marriage.

Thanks cl. I appreciate the comments.

See when I speak to dh about it things just get turned around and he says "we won't split" "we are just going through a bad patch" but what he doesn't realise that as I don't physically go out to work I have all day to do the thinking iykwim and it eats away at me. Flipant comments he makes then disagrees with later don't get forgotten by me....I have the 2 lo's around me 24/7 and I then find it hard to function...

Dh does help around the home BUT its the comments of "I never get any rest" etc that annoy me..Yeah I get tired but I have to carry on. I can't get up with the lo's decide I can't be arsed and go back to bed and neither can dh BUT moaning about it gets us nowhere..

I suppose I just wonder if this is the end...we just seem to be 24/7 with the dk's which is fine by me (thats my job and they are my lo's) but part of me feels I have to change for fear of neglecting dh...am I making sense.?

It might sound odd, but do you think that a part time job might be good for you and your family? It might sound like adding more into the mix, but I have two little ones (4 and 1) and I find work my salvation. Its the time I have to myself, away from the children. It also eases the pressure financially and gives me something else in my life. If you don't end up spending all your money on childminders and don't need the extra cash (given that you are already living without it) perhaps you could use it on a cleaner or help around the house etc. It might stop you being so totally dependent upon your husband for stimulation iyswim? It might not sound what you want to do, but you sound a bit how I felt whilst I was on mat leave. I'm much happier now I'm back at work because it gives me meaning, socialisation, purpose and something other than just my hubby and kids to rely on.
HTH

If you can't get a job then you need to get out of the house for a hobby - or even just a regular social event with friends, without your DC or your partner. You have fallen into the trap of being a service appliance to the rest of the family: no wonder you feel shitty. It is BAD for any individual to live a life that is solely about benefiting other people: everyone needs a certain amount of time to do stuff that is purely for themselves.

I don't know, I'm at work part time and whilst I feel a bit less like you do just now (felt same as Elkat re the mat leave!) and it puts you more on an equal footing with dh, it doesn't mean you'll get on any better or that your problems will disappear.

But maybe it will give you some "distance" and "me time" - though I have to say I neglect dh even more as I have less time to do everything else at home and wait hand and foot on baby ds at night / weekend (I mean this in the nicest possible way re ds!)

I think lots of women feel like this,me included, whether they work or not, but my thought was, like Elkat, get a job, or even a hobby that takes you away for a while. Easier said than done of course, but I think when you have small dc then much of your conversation does revolve around them, your more likely to bicker with them and dh, esp as you are at home with them all day with no reprieve.

Def get some distance somehow for a while and get time to work out what you want / need to change.

hope this doesn't sound blunt, am in rush to finish work and get home to ds!!

But understand how you feel, am there frequently myself