How long should it take to get over a relationship?

[BusyRascal1]

My ex and I separated 5 years ago. 2DC - one is 7, the other 5. We don't really have much to do with one another, he collects the kids from school on a Friday night and drops them off on Monday morning, every other weekend.

We attended a little graduation ceremony for our youngest childs nursery on Friday. It was the first time we had been in a room together since we broke up as it was a bad break up. I had PND and was basically left to it by him. We didn't really talk at the nursery party as it was very busy in the room, lots going on, I was chatting to other mums etc. It was very hard to see him. I don't have any feelings for the man anymore, wouldn't get back with him etc. He got with someone around the same time as our youngest DC was born and they now have a child who is 3, almost 4. It just saddens me that our children don't have this happy little family while him and the woman he was busy getting with when I was navigating just having had a baby, PND etc are this happy little complete family. Sad that 15 years have been thrown away.

I haven't had any relationship or even date since he walked out, i've been too busy raising the children, working etc.

I cried when we got home from the graduation ceremomy and have been crying on and off all weekend. It all just feels overwhelmingly sad.

Is there something wrong with me that I'm still so upset 5 years on? Day to day, I'm happy enough with my life. Well I don't really have the time to concentrate on whether or not i'm happy, i'm just always on the go.

But why am I so sad at everything 5 years on? How long does it take to get over a family breakdown? Does it take a new relationship to stop thinking about it all?

Just to add, when I say our children don't have this happy little family, we are happy. I just mean both mum and dad under the same roof. They ask for their dad now and again and it saddens me that they only see him once a fortnight. And they love going to his as they dote on their little brother there. I guess I just wanted to give them the two parent family that I never had.

Life doesn’t always pan out the way you planned it, you can give the children an amazing life without their dad living with you, like you say they still get to see him. You say you have no feelings for him, are you sad because he’s made a little family somewhere else maybe?

I don’t think there’s a definitive answer to how long it takes to get over someone, from my experience a new relationship has always worked for me, as soon as i’m focussing all my efforts on someone else, ex’s become insignificant. My ex’s have always become my ex’s because of their inability to keep their knickers on so that also helps me put things into perspective.

I guess I'm sad because we were together for such a long time and I envisioned this little family life, which I never ended up getting. Life has been hard since he left, bringing up two kids alone, one with autism, working full time while trying to juggle eveeything. All the firsts - youngest DCs first steps, first smile, first everthing, funny little moments, I had no one to share that with.

I understand some of it, i definitely get where your coming from on the wasted time side of things, i have wasted 20 years on 2 previous relationships but at least you got something to show for it, 2 kids, the most precious things you can ever ask for from a relationship.

I hate being single so i also know what you mean when you say you have no one to share those moments with, one of my children is also on the spectrum and watching my wife have to deal with the day to day trials and tribulations is difficult and thats with me around to help so to be fair although it’s hard work you need to give yourself some serious credit for coping with your busy little family life.

You will be alright and maybe in time you will meet someone else and be happy again 🤗

Thanks. I am actually happy, just sad over the situatuion I guess. And thinking thete must be something wrong with me to get so upset over a relationship that ended 5 years ago.

No, nothing wrong with you at all, things do suddenly come out of the woodwork like that and catch you unawares.

I still get emotional about losing my dad sometimes, and he died 50 years ago.

It took me 2 years to get over my ex, not the kids dad but a guy I had a relationship with after him. It took meeting my now boyfriend for something to click and I just didnt miss him anymore. Funny enough he messaged me a few weeks ago saying how great I am and that he regrets breaking up with me. He was a great guy but the guy I'm with now is a whole new level of great. For some people it just takes meeting someone speical to get over a previous relationship. Seeing your ex can being back a lot of emotions which could be why you're feeling the way you do

The thing is you do have a lovely happy little family life. Whatever he has with this other woman is not what you imagine. People don’t magically change with other people, they just find someone with lower boundaries or higher tolerance who copes with their shit. Your body wouldn’t allow you to and that’s a good thing. You know what’s he’s like with little children, he is no different now. You and your kids just don’t have to put up with it day to day anymore.

Thanks. I'm happy being single, have no time or even desire for a partner but I'm even thinking of maybe looking to meet someone to kind of close that chapter of my life, as in my past relationship. I think because he just upped and left and it was such a traumatic time, he immediately started a new relationship, had a new family, I had PND, that it just feels raw still, like not fully dealt with. Like I've just soldiered on. And seeing him brought it all back up. I just feel a bit abnormal still being upset 5 years on!

I dont think its abnormal, you haven't seen them at all since then it just sounds like it brought feelings up that would have been felt had you seen them sooner. And from what you've mentioned that's a lot to feel all at once.

Maybe that's it. It really took me by surprise as I would never want him back, nor do I still have any feelings for him. Yet I spent the weekend on and off crying.

I don't think there's anything wrong with you, you're just in touch with your emotional side which is a good thing.

From reading what you've written. You aren't sad about losing your ex, but losing the family unit you expected. It's a grief of sorts.
Maybe re-frame your mindset as finding someone who you do love and showing your children what a loving family is. It may help all of you.

I've been thinking more about it today and this is exactly what i'm sad about. That i never have and never will experience my own little family unit. I can be with another man, sure, but it won't be my childs father.