I need to talk to other people who get it. No one in my life gets it.
I really am not in a good place at the moment. I am trying so hard to get out of this depression that i'm feeling but it is so difficult.
I split from DS dad almost 10 years ago, so much controlling and coercive abuse, financial abuse etc. Nothing physical but i have no doubt that would have followed if i had stayed.
Back then DS didn't sleep well and had medical issues, I found it hard but i had him most of the time with some week nights at his dads and every other weekend with his dad. This has been since he was 1 yrs old. His dad actually said he did not want him more because it was so hard. Anyway, this continued until about 2022 where an incident happened and i stopped him seeing him for a weekend as i had to make sure DS was safe. I'd never done that before but like ii said had to make sure DS was safe. This then triggered a family court battle from ex. He had the backing of his family and their money so had great solicitors. I had no legal representation until the final hearing as i could not afford it. Long story short my solicitor advised me to give in to the 50/50 request as she knew men like my ex and she felt he would turn DS against me if he did not get his way. So i gave in.
That whole process truamitised me and I've felt so low every since.
Not seeing DS for a week at a time kills me and ex would know this is the way to get at me. Everything to ex is a game. I feel like 10 years later he is still punishing me for leaving him and being able to see the true him.
The only communication i have with DS is through his dads phone and voicenotes. I know he has not played alot of them to DS and I sometimes don't hear much from DS. However when DS is with me I play all voicenotes and DS replies. I never restrict contact because i know ex will twist it so im the bad one and he is the victim. My biggest fear is ex turning DS against me slowly, he is the best malnipulator i have ever seen. My DS is the sweetest and I can already see he feels sorry for ex and how he thinks his dad is a victim of everyone in the world.
I feel like I live 2 lives. 1 week a mother, 1 week a single lone woman. I can't do much because I can't consistently do things from week to week. Everyone around me is in a family so they spend family weekends together and no one wants to invite the single childless woman. I feel so alone and I have no one to talk to about this because they just do not get it.
We talk about abuse in the relationship but there isnt much about post seperation abuse. All the mind games i've had to put up with for 10 years is exhausting. I feel so low and depressed.
Does anyone else get it?