AIBU for wanting to avoid friend who feels like life is a competition

[TheDenimCritic]

I have this friend who I have been close with for years. We still try to keep in touch now but everything suddenly starts to feel like a competition. I first noticed it when I first had this major milestone (we were supposed to achieve this together) but for some reason, I managed to have done it first. She then didn’t speak to me until months later. Now, she has achieved the same and so we’ve been speaking again. At some point, her life has turned for the better, and even doing much better than me when it comes to being financially stable. We’d be talking on the phone about it and I would not ever forget the day when she asked about how much I was getting paid for my job and sort of belittled it. And kept ranting on how much she earns and that she’s really glad about it. I don’t know I just hate the fact that she’s constantly talking about every small detail of how great her life is when it comes to this one aspect and I’m not even interested. It’s only out of politeness I let her carry on. She had a problem about this one particular thing which wasn’t really a problem because she had a lot of people there for her and if that happened to me, I might have been at a loss. It’s like she just wants to show she has it all, when I clearly know she resents me every time I achieve something.

I have a friend who has changed since she got on the career ladder and all she talks about is herself now. Every time we meet up she talks non-stop about how she got a huge bonus, she got more of a pay rise than what she asked for, how many people report to her etc. Over and over again.

Friend rarely asks me anything about my life anymore, my family, job, holidays etc - it’s all about her career. I am pleased that her career is taking off after finally starting with an employer that recognised her ability and drive, but it’s a bit shit when my DM died and all I got was a text to say “sorry to hear about that” and when we met up a month later I got more of the career chat and she never once mentioned the loss of my DM!

We all change, friendships evolve, so I guess it’s up to us to decide if that friendship still works for us too.

I feel like we’re just human diaries and I don’t know what they get out of it. I don’t even show that I’m bothered with it. I’ll just really avoid having any sort of conversation with her from now on.

The older I get the more I think a lot of people are just very self-absorbed. People who rabbit on about themselves constantly or think they are competing against others might also not be as confident as they like to think they are.

It's hard to know what's in someone's mind. For ex. would it make a difference to you if you discovered that she'd meant to stick up for you when she put down whoever wasn't paying you enough? Or if she was actually bragging about her great life in hopes of demonstrating to you that she is someone who is worthy of your friendship? And maybe stayed away from you when it was your turn to shine because it made her feel uncomfortably inferior to you (unworthy of your friendship)?

I think bragging often does cover up insecurity but I also find it hard to tolerate, so I get what you're saying. Also, I easily start to feel like someone isn't my friend when it seems like they would hope I fail so they can "win." That's not someone who has my back.

At the same time, as an older person, I feel like I may have let friendships go too easily in the past that might have been fixed if I'd said something before just backing away. If it's worth it to you, you might want to have that hard conversation with her about how you feel like she brags and you find it obnoxious. Or you could try making smaller comments, like "Hmm. Tooting your own horn," and see if that changes anything.

Friendships change over time and if they are no longer working for you, for whatever reason, it’s time to move on. No, you are not being unreasonable in wanting to avoid her, it’s exhausting being around someone like that. As the poster above says, you can try to raise it with them, so you give them the option to change as they may not realise they’re doing it. At least they know what the issue is when you back off.