Feeling trapped between staying and leaving

[DeftKhakiBird]

I’m looking for some advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation.

My long-term partner is currently going through a serious mental-health crisis and is under the care of the mental-health team. We have a young child together.

I’ve done my best to support him, but I’m completely exhausted and feel like I’m reaching the end of what I can cope with. Our relationship has been unhappy for a long time and I don’t know if I can continue in it.

I feel very conflicted because I don’t want to leave him while he is this unwell. I worry that ending the relationship now would throw his life into turmoil and potentially make his mental health worse. At the same time, I don’t know how much longer I can carry on as things are.

A big part of what is keeping me stuck is our child. At the moment, I don’t feel comfortable with the idea of shared custody while he is this unwell, but I also know that if we separated there would potentially be custody/contact arrangements to work out. I find that incredibly difficult to get my head around while he is so unwell.

There’s also the practical side. I work, but I don’t know how I could realistically afford to live independently on one wage. Things would be very tight and, as far as I understand, I wouldn’t qualify for benefits, which makes the prospect of leaving feel even more overwhelming.

I’m deliberately keeping the details vague because this is his private medical situation and I don’t want to identify him. I hope people understand that I’m trying to protect his privacy while still getting some advice for myself.

I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who has been in a similar situation and how you handled it.

I have been through a serious mental health crisis that was very difficult for our relationship. I would not have been able to look after the kids on my own at that time. However, after diagnosis and treatment I have been a whole new person for five years now and our relationship is better than it has ever been. I’ve had no further mental health issues and am so grateful my partner stuck by me, but it wasn’t easy for a while there.

If it is addressing previously undiagnosed issues and he is now compliant with his treatment plan and medications there can be a lot of hope, in my experience. Troubles we were having in our relationship prior to all this were in part because of me not understanding my own mental health and what was happening for me, once we figured all that out I was a whole new person. It can take a while to get medications and treatment right, but with commitment and the right attitude things can get much better. I am and have been highly functional for a long time now. But it does come down to the person who is unwell remaining very committed to getting well.

That said, no one is ever obliged to stay in an unhappy relationship and you have to make the choice that is right for you.