Experiences of dealing with an elderly narcissist in later life

[KellyK2026]

I’m curious for anyone who has dealt with an elderly narcissist person, what are the common traits and what was your experience?

What relationship are tbey to you? Do you live with them?

ExDP had to be the centre of attention, even on my birthday.

Simply older versions of themselves (grandparent) but now able to drum up and weaponise additional sympathy to their largely self-created problems by playing the 'poor old me' card with oscar winning performances. I am often told I am a patient person and this pushed me to my limits, I ended up very unhappy and isolated because I was always chasing their approval and trying to keep the peace. It still bothers me when I think about it. I rearranged my life and wasted younger years coddling someone who had zero respect for me and sabotaged both themselves and broad efforts from others to help them.

Constant guilt trips, emotional blackmail, lies, especially when challenged. They had also always been attention seeking (classic narc) now this ramped up 100% with fake health problems. They would wake ppl up on purpose with some fabricated problem, by either shouting to wake them up, or making random phone calls to other relatives and friends. Everyone dreads a 3am call - they knew that and used it to their advantage, knowing you'd pick up thinking it was an emergency. I had many disturbed nights and was working at the time. They showed zero compromise and zero respect for anyone else's commitments, feelings, needs and dominated every social situation with shouting, insults and drama. In case anyone is wondering, no they did not have dementia. All of the above was just a worsened version of the alcohol bingeing narcissist they had always been.

Suffice to conclude they generated a big therapy bill for me.
If you're dealing with any of this OP, please try to build up a support network, you'll need it, I wish I'd reached out for more support x

Currently dealing with this. My top tip - extinguish the narcissist fire by removing attention from their fire triangle. Example, they come to my door. I see them on the Ring doorbell and ignore them. My boundary has been email contact only. I don't respond to anything else.

When I do respond, I respond to the bits I need to, and ignore the baiting. Received a long email yesterday, gaslighting, making demands. I replied with a one line, factual question.

I am doing a lot of work, have read Lundy Bancroft, and currently on a book called "It's not your fault" which is about identifying and healing from Narcissists. You have to remember, from their perspective, ANY attention is good attention. So if you can go no contact, amazing. If you can't, like me, set your boundaries, keep them and don't give in to their needling. They are trying to reassert control - don't let them.

When they come to you with demands, if you have to interact, give them two choices where you are uncovered by the outcome. Just like a toddler.

It is really hard, you are unlearning years of trauma related behaviour. I feel like I am only just starting out, but so far, this minimal contact, low drama and boundaried approach is working.

Good luck 🤞