Husband says my chronic cough means I should avoid going out

[NotPurpleRaptor]

DH (55) was brought up in a culture where society trumps individual, and what other people think define most of his actions. I (61) recognise that I am too much the opposite way, not really caring what anyone thinks, and more so as I age. We have been together about 23 years.

I have developed a health condition where I have a chronic cough. Apparently it sounds ghastly. It's not constant, but probably I cough and spit into a tissue at least once an hour. I'm waiting for tests, but I don't think it's going to get better.

DH refuses to go out with me now, because he says he'd be uncomfortable if people around moved away or said something if I cough - it's not catching but people may think it is. He also strongly discourages me from going out alone if there are many people about as he says it's selfish to make people listen to my cough and they may be scared of catching something. He doesn't make me stay away from people if I'm alone but just gets cross and says I'm selfish if I do.

I am so sad - I think this condition is long-term (I'm not going into further health details), so it feels like my life is over if I'm to stay in the house. I work, I'm off sick for the time being but I'm hoping to go back. That will help of course but a life of work and house sounds so miserable. I don't see much point in my life, it seems all my life is behind me and a void in the future.

How controlling! Crack on with enjoying life and ignore him, otherwise you’ll end up with depression as well. Does he control you in other ways too?

He's being silly.

I mean, probably avoid going to a quiet serious play or a snooker match 😂 if you're constantly coughing, but everything else is fair game.

You're not a social pariah because you're having respiratory issues.

I sympathise. I have lung cancer and often travel on trains/visit restaurants etc. My cough sounds terrible, everyone turns and stares and looks very disapproving. I don't blame them really, It's a hangover from the covid years. I'm considering buying a t-shirt saying it's not covid, it's cancer. My partner is the opposite to yours and sometimes announces loudly that it's not catching.

The cough wouldn't bother me so much as spitting into a tissue hourly. Do you do that in public? That would be very off putting if you did that next to me whilst in the queue at aldi etc & I would wonder if I could catch whatever you had wrong with you.

What do you expect her to do with the phlegm then?

Just to say, I try not to do this in the supermarket queue etc but sometimes there is no choice. I'm sure op is as discreet as possible and doesn't make a big song and dance of it.

Do you know whether it is actually catching or not?

This. As long as it’s not like the performative coughing and hacking with spitting then inspection like the chap on my train the other day, of course op has to dispose of it.

Yes it’d be the spitting part for me, that really shouldn’t be done in public.

That's interesting, thanks for being honest - tbf it's very discrete of course, and I think just looks like wiping my mouth with a tissue to people around. Maybe I'm deluded and actually people know and think yuk?

He's the selfish one. Tell him if he doesn't accept you have a cough and you've stated you're waiting on tests then to leave. He sounds controlling and extremely selfish.

Many people may think yuk but so what. My life has become so much smaller because of my breathlessness. I'm not going to make it even smaller by becoming housebound.

No, or at least only in certain niche ways where I have agreed because it's things that he needs me to do for specific reasons. That's just part of give and take though.

That's difficult, you must feel very self-conscious. I'm glad your husband is so supportive x

He is being ridiculous- I have severe asthma and cough a lot. DH has never said anything about it apart from being sympathetic.

He is truly being ridiculous.

However , what are the things that he needs you to do for specific reasons?.

What does he do for you as part of give and take?. It may be that you give whilst he merely just
takes.

Stop blaming his childhood on the fact he's clearly an unsympathetic dick.

Hes entitled to an opinion. He's wrong in MY opinion. I'm interested why YOU @NotPurpleRaptor, think he's right. You must think he's right if you intend to follow his opinion and do what he says

I can't make him go out with me. I could choose to go out by myself but I'm conflicted as I can see his POV that this might make other people feel 'ick'. I wouldn't have thought about this if he hadn't said, as I said I tend to not think of other people's feelings enough, I think, so I rely on him as my 'social conscience'. That's what partnership is about, I think, using the other's attributes to fill in our deficits, and vice versa.

But it's no longer going out together as a couple that makes me sad. We don't go out often as he works 6-7 days per week but it brings us closer when we do, and I enjoy it.

It's his values and world view. It's part of him, and won't change, and I wouldn't want it to, as I knew this before we became a couple, a long time ago. It is the outlook of most people who grew up in the same region - society first, individual after. It's not inherently good or bad, it just is.

No - this isn't the case at all tbf, he has always given a lot to our family.

It doesn't sound like he likes you very much ....

Rubbish.

He's a grown man who's had his whole adult life to educate himself and change his views on anything he wants to.

Otherwise we'd still all believe in Santa and the Tooth Fairy.

You very much are making excuses.

Do not set yourself further on fire to keep him warm.

I understand now. I'm afraid I'm not very useful here, because I got rid of my husband as he got on my bloody nerves and now I adore going out or staying in on my own. It's marvellous

But you actively enjoy being with your husband. And his nasty little judgements and unkindnesses are stopping that happening

I'm so sorry ❤️💛