How do you handle men who turn victim when challenged?

[Shawiiing]

I’ve NC but longtime user.

I’m sick of a variety of different men blaming me for their emotional immaturity when I finally stop allowing them to treat me like a punchbag/therapist.

These aren’t all men I’ve been in romantic relationahips with they’re friends, brothers, my father too. I’ve noticed if I stand up to them and use their previous words back at them they instantly resort to victim mode and blaming me for being so mean to them. No recognition of their meanness or that these are in fact their own words and responses.

I recently put this to the test with my extremely rude brother who has always used me as his go to when shit hits the fan with his wife. I’ve been trained by my mother that this brother is the golden child and what he needs he gets because he “trusts me with his feelings”. Until now (I’m nearing the end of perimenopause for context) I’ve always listened and been kind and just ignored it when he became extremely rude to me because “he doesn’t know how to express himself or his emotions” or “he loves
you he’s just hurting” (my mum) but my tolerance for male bullshit is extremely
low now and this time I called him out on it and he instantly turned on victim mode.

I didn’t take it, I responded with the kind of shit he and all the other men who’ve done this respond and he didn’t like it one bit.

Now that’s just an irrelevant anecdote as an example, I’m just curious if any other women have turned the tables on men who’ve treated them poorly and had the man become a victim? How do you deal with the shit when cutting them off isn’t a realistic option? (Unfortunately I live in the real world where cutting people off isn’t as easy as man users make out) I’m grey rocking him now but I just wondered if there were other responses (even ridiculous or funny) that I can use. I enjoyed not being the punchbag and holding the power.

I'm sick of being men’s punchbag because they don’t have the emotional maturity to recognise their own behaviours towards me and other women or that their behaviours as actually unacceptable. I can’t be the only one?

Yes, the common denominator is called patriarchy. It creates swathes of entitled, emotionally incompetent, infantile, selfish, and endlessly self pitying male twats.

Women are trained to pander to these spoiled losers, a message that is reinforced by the ample demonstrations in life of how violent and dangerous men can get when their feewings get hurt.

When you get into menopause, you run out of sympathy and actively limit contact with time wasters like this. They give nothing back, why bother.

Gosh, on the verge of perimenopause and this thought came to my mind

im not even sure I want a man in my life anymore

i don’t want to listen to their shit, I don’t want to council them, I just dont

Apart from getting laid once in a while…

Indeed it is.

Similiar situation here. But now my caring responsibilities are ended due to death and my two remaining siblings, having got through the paperwork and processes death brings, are no longer in my life. From closeness as children, holidays together as adults with our families, 5 yrs ago I became unwell through nervous exhaustion and expecting them to help me when I told them and asked for support, I was roundly abused as being in the wrong and one siblings offspring x2 stopped all communication. It was extraordinary and once people show you who they really are, don't expect them to change. I was the family doormat and I didn't realise. I asked for a break for a week, ONE WEEK, and apparently I was beyond evil etc etc.

I have very few friends due to circumstances and am also quite isolated right now. But I am making plans to change my life and living entirely next year - finances permitting - and through activity I will I hope make some friends

Recognise that you are a person too and try protective thinking when you have to be with these people. You may not have full agency right now, but you do have some.

Ah, "The Patriarchy", of course 🤣

@CoffeeBotherer unnecessary IMHO.

OP in my experience it is enough to act on your boundaries.

All ex partner examples

Caught in a big lie after promising no more lies - I left

Starts negging me because I'm pleased with my gym progress - I left

Confused whether to date me because I want to choose how much of what I eat - I removed confusion by leaving.

@Shawiiing you’ve really explained well how women particularly are trained in these dynamics. I had awful versions of them too. It is certain family traits.

DH’s father was a violent abuser, a card carrying narcissist and his siblings have a lot of the traits you are experiencing.

My mother was so similar to yours about my brothers. Again one of whom is a complete abuser.

DH and I have stepped so far back from the dynamics and honestly it has been a great thing.

Our children recognise the patterns for what they are and just do not put up with them. That only took one generation to end what has been going on in our families for likely generations.

For the poster who says autism can cross paths with these traits, definitely in my family but DHs father is absolutely not autistic. So they can occur with or without autism.

I did with DH a few years ago. We had the most almighty row on holiday and instead of backing down and appeasing him I just stuck to my guns. He played victim and I just said, 'No. You don't get to do that this time. I will never ever put up with this again.' ( He'd got into some really bad behaviour that had become worse than habitual - it was relentless.) I told him I was ready to leave the marriage over it.

I saw a change come over his face when he realised I wasn't playing his game and I meant what I said. For the first time in years, he listened to what I was saying, and changed his behaviour. I know if I had been all accommodating it would have got so much worse.