XP wants to talk about reconciliation, and I'm tentatively seeing a new man. Wondering what to do ...

[Twoddle]

XP and I separated last year after nearly 12 years together, in the midst of one big, hurtful mess. I spent six months with half of me hating him and the other half trying to encourage him to come to his senses and work on the relationship. He wasn't interested.

I have had a fair bit of counselling and support to help me deal with what happened and, recently, amazed myself with being able to welcome XP back into my life as a friend. Life has been so much easier since, for all of us.

Having expected to be single for a looong time, I have been equally amazed to meet and start seeing a lovely man who is incredibly tender, supportive, and stimulating to be with. Unrelated to this (probably more to do with XP and I getting along well again), XP is now saying he'd like to spend some time together talking about the possibility of reconciliation.

Argh!

I feel utterly confused and torn. I fought for six months to repair my relationship with XP, even though he'd done some bloody awful stuff, because I knew we could get along brilliantly and I really wanted our family to 'work'. I eventually stopped these efforts and have been enjoying the lovely company of another man, and XP is back on the scene.

What the heck do I do?!

I know, really, that I need to decide this myself, but I wouldn't say no to hearing others' thoughts. Thanks.

oh gosh twoddle I don't envy you.

I have no experience of this, and I can't even say what I think I'd do in your shoes because I really don't know.

I hope you figure it out though

Does XP know that you are seeing a new man? Because if he does, then that's why he's making nice all of a sudden. Even if you are on friendly terms with your XP (which is always good if you have DC together) be very careful about just letting him back into your life. I don't know what the reasons were for your split, but if it was violence then you need to make sure he has sorted himself out.

Do you have children with your XP?

Madamez has nailed it! He's being nice because you have moved on so fabulously. I think I wouldn't reconcile -- enjoy your new life with the new man. XDP had his chance and blew it.

XP does now know that I'm seeing a new man, but was interested in talking about reconciliation before he found out. He insists it's nothing to do with this new man and, knowing XP, I believe him.

No violence was involved in the split, but a short burst of serial infidelity as well as a question mark around possible bipolar disorder, owing to XP's behaviour at the time. These things would need to be broached with XP, very slowly and very thoroughly. When XP - who is the father of our four-year-old son - is not in this wild, wayward mode, he is a loving, sensitive partner and a great dad. Tricky.

Life apart is complicated with respect to DS. Together would, of course, be easier - at least in some respects. But I am rather enjoying being enjoyed by someone new. Plus, in my unhinged despair post-split, I vented to pretty much anyone who'd listen about XP's behaviour at the time ... so could look more than a bit of a mug to entertain reconciliation. Silly billy, but maybe understanding.

What a bloody mess.

It's not a mess! It's only a mess if you take him back. Otherwise, it's a very amicable split where you've remained friends and DS gets both of you in his life.

I think madamez is right.

I think he found out about the new man before you told him.

nope xp's ego is playing a part here as it does for lots of men. Stick to nice guy who doesn't sound like his ego rules him, am I right?

Ex's are ex's often for good reason.

You may have moved forward through counselling but has he really changed?. Given time he may revert back to his old behaviours; he may hurt you not just to say your son all over again.

You are civil to your ex partner and this is good; after all there is a child involved and thus the two of you need to be mature adults and act civilly with each other. Your son can still have a relationship with his Dad even though he and you have split up.

Enjoy being with someone new. You've met someone nice.

An ex send me an e-card yesterday and also some texts (after I thanked him) suggesting he wants me back. Sticking with my lovely reliable dp.

I think that you don't need to make your mind up either way right now. Tell XP that you are enjoying your relationship with new man and that you will wait and see how that develops before even thinking about getting back with him.

Don't let him take control again! Just because he now thinks it is time to reconcile - why should you automatically jump to his tune?

I really really wouldnt. All the reasons you split up will rear again.
He wasnt interested when you were. Whats changed, other than you are in control and moving on?

Thank you.

I feel utterly torn. I hear what you're saying, but for 10 years or so we were a great couple; for DS's first two years, it was almost idyllic. And I suppose that gives me hope. And I'm enjoying my new man - argh.

Soapbox's take on things sits well with my current indecisiveness. XP and I have been getting on better only for a month or two. This needs to go on a lot longer, consistently, before reconciliation could be seriously considered.

The ideal is to be a happy family. But that means happy all-round. We'll see ...

Thanks again.

Yes, tell your XP to give you space to think about what you need and want out of life: if he has mental health problems in the past then you may have fallen into the habit of thinking that everything's got to be about him and his ishoos. If XP flounces and says you've got to choose now or he'll go mental and run off to hang himself again then you will have your answer: he's still a nob. If he is prepared to stay friends and let you work things out for yourself then whatever happens you have a decent friend.

Thanks, madamez.

Certainly XP's exit hightlighted some big issues for him (infidelity and extreme mood swings being two of them), but of course the build-up wasn't all about him, and I am well aware that I brought my own contribution to the feast. Hence, it'd be slow, tentative work to rebuild something: on a day-to-day level, there is a lot of warmth and fondness between us again; it's the deeper stuff that would really need addressing.

XP isn't putting me under pressure - he knows about this other man and accepts the situation - and the man I'm seeing appreciates the fluidity of the situation with XP.

So I guess it's go-with-the-flow for now.

Something I do worry about is good friends losing respect for me should I consider reconiliation. I ranted and raved a lot when it all happened - red mist - and they were very supportive to me and horrified at what XP did. Probably not groundless worry, but I figure we do what's right for us, not what appears "right" from the outside looking in.

Thanks

I think you are completely right to take it slowly - there is no need to make any decisions right now.

I am in a similar position, insofar as my husband left me for another woman when DD2 was five months old. After the anger subsided, it became apparent to both of us that there is still a lot of warmth between us and, leaving aside all the hideousness caused by his affair (easier said than done) we are still good friends. In short, we are going to counselling to see if our relationshiop is really over. It is incredibly painful (I have never been good at coping with uncertainty), but I know that this cannot be rushed - for both our sakes. We really need to think and talk about why we may get back together, and it has to be for the right reasons. It sounds as though your XP is very understanding, so make the most of it! Why shut the door on your old relationship if you don't have to unless and until you are really sure this is what you want.

As for the ranting to friends, I have done the same and am aware that they will think I am bonkers to even think about taking him back. Very few people are all bad, and it is understandable that you focused on the bad things at the time (it is part of the process of coping with the split). Your good friends, although they will be concerned for you, should support whatever decision you make. Good luck.

Sorry, I meant to say that your new man sounds understanding, not your XP!

Red mist anger has to be ignored. I despised my SIL on my brother's behalf when she ran out on him with an OM. when he decided to reconcile with her, I had to pretend nothing had ever happened. If he could forgive her, so could I. Don't let pride or vanity keep you from a decision. Do what is best for you. You don't live with your friends, in the long run. Wishing you all the best.

Just checked back on here. Thank you, bearandbunny and littlewoman, for your compassionate posts.

XP and I have been getting along sooo well lately, it's bewildering. He has been doing odd jobs about the house without being asked, reading a couples book and quoting bits to me, being superb with our DS and generally lovely. And I'm off for a night with New Man ... confusing! XP accepts the latter - after all, he and I are not, currently, a couple - but now feels guilty seeing the woman he has been seeing casually. Bizarre.

bearandbunny, I sincerely hope things work out for you and your XH. Your situation and mine sound very similar. Feel free to CAT me if you think it might help some time.

T x

Am I reading it correctly that he (Your ex) had an affair? Did he move in with the other person and has that now gone sour? If so this would strongly influence any decision to try again if it were me.