Am I being unfair?
My husband and I have been together for 26 years. Throughout our relationship, I've often felt that whenever there's a financial shortfall, it somehow becomes my responsibility to cover it.
In the early years, I earned more while he was studying for his IT qualifications, so I was happy to contribute more. Around 15 years ago, he started earning more than me, but it feels as though the financial balance never really changed.
Recently, our cat became seriously ill. Even after the insurance paid out, there was still around 20% of a £3,000 vet bill left to pay, plus a £100 excess and ongoing medication of around £30 a month. I've been told those costs are mine to cover.
At the same time, he wants to join a gym costing £55.99 a month. I asked if I could join too, but I was told I'd have to pay for my own membership in full.
For context, I already pay:
- All the food shopping (usually £400–£500 a month).
- Most meals out.
- Half the mortgage, plus an extra £100 every month.
- Most clothing purchases for both of us.
- Various other day-to-day expenses.
Now I'm also being asked to pay an extra £60 a month for my work car insurance because, apparently, the additional £100 I already contribute towards the mortgage isn't enough to cover it.
What hurts most isn't actually the money itself. It's that if I ask to use money from our joint account for something like our cat's treatment or another shared expense, he becomes very angry. In the past, during arguments, he's punched holes in walls. Although that hasn't happened for a while, it still leaves me feeling intimidated and reluctant to challenge him.
Another painful part of our relationship is that it's become completely sexless. I have a high sex drive, and after years of rejection it's difficult not to take it personally. I work part-time as a model alongside my job as a sports therapist, so from the outside people often assume I'd be confident in how I look. The reality has been very different. Years of feeling unwanted by the person I love contributed to body and facial dysmorphia, to the point where I needed therapy to help me cope. Thankfully, I'm in a much better place now, but the emotional impact has been significant.
The confusing part is that we still laugh together and genuinely enjoy each other's company. There are still good moments, which makes it much harder to know whether I'm overreacting or whether something is fundamentally wrong.
Lately, though, I've found myself feeling increasingly resentful. It's not simply about the money—it's about feeling as though we're no longer approaching life as equal partners. I want to feel like we're a team, sharing both the financial and emotional responsibilities of our life together, rather than feeling as though I'm expected to carry more and more while asking for less and less in return.
So, am I being unfair? Am I expecting too much, or would most people feel this financial arrangement and the wider relationship seem one-sided? I'm genuinely looking for honest opinions because I'm struggling to know whether my feelings are reasonable.