Feeling hollow after recent break-up and struggling to picture my future

[Alwayschillyatnight]

Marriage if 15 years broke down in 2019. Relationship/engagement of 6 years broke down a year ago, for similar reasons. Although much more painful because much more deeply in love and hitting the same nerves.

Recently had a short relationship with an old friend, but it ended after two months. It just wasn't right. Now all the relationship grief seems to have surged up afresh and very little of it concerns the most recent relationship.

I feel the pain and loss of last year all over again, and the horrible emptiness of a future with no shape to it. The funny thing is that, despite initially finding time alone very hard, I actually enjoy having time to myself now and don't want the full enmeshed shared life thing any more - at least not right now, anyway. So why do I feel so apprehensive and hollow at a future I can't picture ? No plans. No shared experiences. No .... nobody to witness or share my life.

I cant explain it properly. I have two amazing kids, but they're both in secondary school now and I am watching them grow up and away and wondering what im going to do with myself. I have lots of lovely girlfriends, but they're busy women and none of them live that close so it's not like i can just pop round on a lonely evening to watch tv together.

Not sure why I'm posting really. Just fighting the feelings, esp as im 3 weeks into some horrible illness (maybe covid) and struggling with fatigue and feeling very much on my own with housework, DIY, chores and bills. The kids are lovely, but very ND so trying to coach them through helping is more exhausting than doing it myself.

I guess I just need some kindness and sympathy and reassurance that I will move out of this phase and feel safe building my own life, on my own.

First of all, how you are feeling is totally valid! It's totally normal to feel like this from time to time - especially when you're sick it will all feel amplified. Then other times you'll feel amazing and independant and love your single life not having to deal with someone else's stress/baggage/emotions.

Be kind to yourself, and remember that if you were in a relationship right now it wouldn't be all roses. All relationships have good times and tough times and right now you're missing the good bits but that will pass!

Thank you. I remember moments of feeling like that, it's just hard to conjure those feelings when I'm feeling like this. When I just want someone to offer me some care and tenderness.

I hear you. You want a lap to climb into. A big warm one. Can you make a cacoon of sorts. I’m thinking of somatic things that tell the body it is being loved and it is safe. Red lights. Furry stuff? I only suggest because it’s what works for me when I’m wading through the sads. We’re in a transition and all is as it should be

The greatest thing I did was avoid all relationships for a year. It taught me how to cope without a man. I learned to manage by myself and do DIY that I never thought I'd manage.
Time out gives you a chance to make lists of what you want in a man, It also gives you time out. Take the time out. Enjoy life without a man. Only let one in if he is worthy!

I understand op. Breaking up always makes us think of our faults and they are magnified.

I spent a long time on my own after divorce and the breakup with the next person (relationship of 1.5 yrs) was just as hard in many ways. Lots of unanswered questions after bearing my soul and trusting someone else.

New normal was gone. I changed a lot during both periods of post relationship and tried new hobbies and reconnected a little with old friends. All the best

Thank you all.

It's been a tough couple of years - not helped by perimenopause- so I probably do need a bit of time to heal. It just sucks that healing can hurt, too.

I've read that a relationship breaking up after a marriage break up feels worse as you have put hope and effort out there and yet again it's gone tits up. It's very normal. You are living in limbo currently- as in not the life you want. I've been there and it's hard but you just keep on putting one foot forward. Can I ask - you said you broke up for similar reasons ..what are those?

Him forming an emotional connection with another woman.
Circumstances were different and more complicated and we tried to fix it for a lot longer but ultimately that was the cause and the thing that hurt me.

And you're right. It does feel cumulative. Took a leap of faith and got hurt by it.