Can anyone - a man? - leave an unhappy marriage without being labelled the bad guy?

[DivorcedAndDelighted]

Musing on whether it's possible for anyone to leave a marriage without being labelled the bad guy, and especially if a man can do it. This is not for myself; ExH left me, but I should have left years before. I'd love to hear views from wise people on here because when I read threads about someone being left, the focus mostly seems to be on either "There's someone else - bastard" or "They abandoned their spouse - bastard" and it feels like there's not space for someone to say "I'm not happy in this marriage, we have not been able to improve things, so I'm leaving." Or at least, I have seen women supported on here when leaving a bad relationship, but when a man has left, that seems to be the dichotomy - maybe because nobody believes he'll be fully parenting. I'm not an apologist for poor fathers - ExH rarely lifted a finger to "help" with the kids he'd so desperately wanted, and after leaving, has not stepped up either. Would not go to counselling or discuss changes. I so wish I'd been brave enough to leave years before, rather than have the kids living in that atmosphere and seeing parents who were so emotionally distant from each other.

I grew up in the middle of parental wars, but they stayed together for the children, and as adults we're all still suffering as a result. I didn't know how to leave; my core belief was that once you're married, you stick together for the children unless one person is violent, in which case you must leave. If they are unfaithful then you have the option to leave (but I didn't). Friends have said about their own unhappy marriages, "I wish he would cheat so I could leave him", because being utterly miserable wasn't a good enough reason. Male friends have said to me that they feel they'd be less judged for ending an unhappy marriage with an affair to force the issue, than ending because they can't live that way any more, and being told they'd abandoned their wife and kids.

Is this attitude because everybody thinks men will waltz off into the sunset without doing on their share of childcare? One friend left her husband but she moved out, leaving him with the kids, to force him to do his share. She knew that she would be doing her share and felt that the expectations for non-resident fathers were so low, it would be easy for him to end up doing the bare minimum. It shocked me at the time but I now think she was right, and they seemed to handle co-parenting very well.

IF a man left his wife because it wasn't working, but did indeed continue to be a fully responsible and devoted parent, would you judge him for "abandoning" his wife / betraying his wedding vows? Is it really possible to end a marriage without being the bad guy?

It sounds like some people would prefer that women and men both kept quiet and put up with crap 🤷 Why, I wonder?

Stability I guess.

Society wants ppl paired up and producing children in a stable environment - men live longer if they’re married and can work longer which the government needs. Single ppl are perceived as potential threats to other relationships so it’s safer in communities and friendship circles if established couples stay coupled up. Ppl still think it’s for the good of th children if there are any. They may be in miserable/boring relationships and can’t/wont leave so they resent other ppl who do… etc?

Yes it happens. I think the ‘he must have another one lined up’ is actually a defence for egos sometimes. It’s more palatable to think that someone had their head turned than the truth, which is that they’d rather be on their own, than with you. People find this hard to accept.

Quite. It's a bit of a Mumsnet lazy trope that men are incapable of surviving on their own and will only leave a relationship if they have found a suitable nest elsewhere to settle in to.

Yes... And him "having his head turned" sounds like he was passive and another woman must have orchestrated it, which smacks of blaming another woman. Rather than treating him as an adult with agency.

I think your point about it not coming out of the blue, having had a chance to fix things, is important. It allows the other person to feel they have some control over this major life change. Makes you feel the other person isn't just throwing the relationship away as if it was meaningless to them.

That makes sense. Maybe people are quick to label a man who leaves as the villain because so many men don't remain equal parents, do their full share, and support their kids properly. A man is labelled a bastard based on the behaviour of other men, and he has to prove himself decent.

I'm sorry your friend just had the end presented to her as a fait accompli. But if his mind was made up, would it have helped her for him to pretend "try"? She might have poured all her energy into trying to save the relationship when it was futile. I don't know what has more dignity. Does any of us really need to justify, defend or explain our feeling that this is over for us? I feel that an explanation is showing respect for the person you once loved, but if you are sure it's over - what should you do?

I'm sorry that happened to you. Having your experience dismissed or questioned must really sting. I have several friends who were brought up by single fathers after their mothers left. Have also heard from men who stayed in very difficult relationships because they were worried about their kids if time was divided between parents - and from women in a similar situation.

@DivorcedAndDelighted but surely the sensation doesn’t come on overnight, is it not worth trying to save your relationship if you actually like and respect the other person. I’d assume these thoughts are a while in coming on. At least she would have had the option to feel like they’d given it a shot rather than feeling like she’d been thrown away.

I agree. But that requires people to be brave and speak up early on, rather than sweeping things under the carpet and hoping they go away (which is what I did). And my Exh was of the belief that you should never talk about your relationship problems because "then people end up getting divorced" and that there was no point going to counsellors because "if you need to talk to a stranger about your relationship problems, it's already over". I was kind of happy to acquiesce with this because I was worried that if we opened that can of worms the end would be inescapable. A counsellor may have, for instance, said he had to stop drinking, and I didn't want to face the stark reality of him having to choose between drinking and us. And on the few occasions I did try to tell him how unhappy I was, his response left me feeling guilty for asking too much of him, devastated at his cold response, fearing abandonment. So I wonder how many other people don't raise their concerns for reasons like these. Or, they might raise concerns but the partner dismissed them or couldn't bear to hear them. I know that I tuned out from my ExH's complaints about a chaotic house and family life because I was overwhelmed and didn't know how to change things, but I was also inflexible. So he could have left "out of the blue" but really it would have been because I'd not listened to him, and I could have left "out of the blue" because I was scared of raising my concerns to him and felt it would be futile anyway.
This was long ago and I'm very happy in a healthy and secure relationship now, but I expect similar things affect others.

I think time and situation are important. I judged my friend’s ex partner who walked when their baby was eight months because he ‘wasn’t happy’. Like with an eight month old, is anyone happy? Of course she’s off sex and tired!
I would judge any man who has knowingly had children with a woman and they’re under 6. I think that’s cruel because in 9/10 of the cases, the mum will be the primary care giver and will still be taking a financial hit due to childcare, sickness, school holidays etc. As a single parent, sending two to holiday club costs £80 per day. I don’t earn that per day. Even if ex pays half, he doesn’t have to take the kids there, make the lunch, deal with the moaning, pick my SEN child up if she completely freaks out, leave work early as its 1 hour away, take them home and then take them to the park or ice cream to make them feel like their having something of a summer break… Context is important.