Husband left after row with my son and blocked me

[SeahorsesRock]

My 23yr old DS lives at home still, he has a chronic neurological condition but has managed to get a good apprenticeship and is looking to move out next year. My DH of 10yrs has struggled with the lack of privacy we have since DS was about 16 but things have been ok for the most part. 2 days ago my world fell apart. My DH snapped at my DS it escalated in seconds to almost a fist fight. I wasn't there to witness this.DH stormed out and promptly cut all contact with me. He changed all his socials to a profile pic of him smiling having a great time with a caption "all you need is change". He sent me one WhatsApp that said "I'm done you always pick DS over me" and promptly re blocked me.

I'm devastated I can't eat or sleep I love them both so much, my DS is distraught he doesn't understand what's happened properly. DS disability means I have to prioritise him most of the time. I am so lost.

I really need some support right now xx

Sorry for your troubles , for what it is worth we have 2 x DD a couple of years older than your DS still living with us and we are happy to support them in this mad world - they are working hard and saving - we solved privacy issues by making a downstairs room our bedroom

Start getting practical, get your ducks in a row
Do you own house together?

Of course you should prioritise your son any decent man would expect nothing less and would do the same.
His abrupt leaving and behaviour is nasty, he was clearly looking for an excuse to leave and to make you look like the bad guy.
id move forward in your life now and appreciate not being expected to choose now.

Where did the comment about prioritising come from? You've conveniently missed out how you behaved after this?

Well, he made that post to hurt you. I would block him on socials so you don’t see that stuff. If you aren’t picking your son where he is wrong/ being abusive etc then you haven’t done anything wrong in that. What did he snap at DS about? Did he nearly hit DS or was it mutual? Would this be more dangerous for DS with his condition?

Sounds like the trash took itself out.

I agree with PP, you need legal advice now. And block him on SM.

Let him crack on. Your son should always be your priority. Just muddle through these early days and be kind to yourself. You won’t be able to make any sense of it right now because it’s so raw, but lean towards protecting yourself and your son.

Indeed start getting practical.

Sounds like your h started this argument with your son and has left as a result blaming you for putting your son first. Yes it’s everyone else’s fault but his own in his head. There also appears to be resentment from him towards your son re an apparent lack of privacy and it seems like he cannot and does not want to deal with your son at all.

It appears that your man is quite weak as well as self serving : he is certainly not the man you thought he the top.

Do not be hard on yourselves ; he made the decision to go of his own free will. It could be argued the trash had taken itself out. Put yourself and your son first now. Rebuild your lives.

Well, quite right you put your son first. I also think he was just looking for an excuse to leave. I wouldn't be surprised if he was ready for it; might he also have engineered it? I agree with pp- get practical, whose house is it? Can you afford it? Etc

It’s hard to say whether you have been unfair on him or not without a deeper understanding of what kind of issues are causing the conflict in the household. For example, if your adult son is refusing to help in any way around the house and has little regard for the rights of the other occupants without you tackling it in any way, he may have a reason to be a bit fed up.

On the other hand, for example - if he has the need to exercise control and micromanage things, or is a bundle of simmering resentment without trying to resolve things - then maybe he is in the wrong.

Well what is your son saying happened? Because I’m sure there are 2 sides to this. And what does lack of privacy mean?

If your son has had to spend all this time living with someone who resents his existence then you haven’t prioritised him enough. He’s probably glad your spiteful husband has gone, and you are better off without someone so unsupportive in your lives. The hurt will heal.

There’s no where near enough info to give any helpful constructive advice
there will be way way more to this in both sides
all you get in here is the default response of DH is a twat

do nothing let the dust settle and take if from there

Definitely not enough information, all I can say is they’re both MEN and no you shouldn’t be automatically picking your adult son over your husband.

Instead it should be about figuring out what happened - if you’ve texted him at any point having a go without getting his ‘side’ then you can see why he stropped off.

What's the ' lack of privacy' about? Does DH like to walk about naked.

Unless you DS is a complete waster ( and it doesn't sound like he is) and/ or you mollycoddle him and DH has had enough then son first every time.

DH was able to up and leave immediately with somewhere else to go seems suspicious to me.

Take the opportunity to consider your options and what you want.

If he finds that the grass is not actually greener you'll probably find he wants to come back. But without changing

That's a really tough situation, but it looks as if your DH has reached his breaking point and will not discuss it-really you have to respect that. You say you love DH but clearly he is not feeling that and finally has decide to move on.

It’s hard to say. I’m not sure I’d want to live with someone else’s 23 year old adult child but that’s also why I would never get involved with someone who has kids to begin with.

If I understand the timeline correctly Op your DS was 13 when you married and privacy became an issue 3 years later, so for seven years your DH has been unhappy about that issue, meaning I presume that he felt your sex life was curtailed. Now your DH's tired of living with his Stepson and clearly resents him so he's lost his temper and walked out.
I'm sorry you're hurt @SeahorsesRock but I don't see how this marriage can be repaired now.

You haven’t really given enough information. It’s one thing living with DC but a 23 year old who only might be able to move out is a different kettle
of fish. He hasn’t asked you to choose; he’s decided it’s not for him.

There shouldn’t have been a fist fight, but deciding this isn’t for him is okay

No it's mine. I doubt he's interested he has other assets and a good pension x

Lack of privacy as in the house is small and open plan. DS is in his room or out mostly though. DH is only ever really happy when it's just me and him.DS said DH was swearing for leaving the garage open but DS was popping in and out. It escalated from there.

It sounds like he’s had enough and left, which is his right. It didn’t happen overnight, you know he’s been unhappy for some time. Your son is an adult and your husband feels you’re not committed to your marriage because you prioritise your son. Plenty of people would feel as he does. Plenty of parents feel like this about their own adult kids still living at home in their twenties, it’s got to be a million times harder when it’s a step child.

I’d start the ball rolling on the divorce.

I wasn't there DS told me his side I got nothing from DH for 3 hours and what I got was the message that he's done because I always "take his side" then I was blocked. I don't take sides. DH thinks shouting at people gets things done. I prefer a calm way apparently that means im a doormat?