What to tell kids about separation/drinking? Trigger warning - child loss

[Lookingatstars]

Hello,
Currently going through separation whilst living together until we can sell. We have a boy12 and girl6 and sadly lost our middle child to sepsis back in 2018. Marriage has been difficult and grief is life long. We have had happy times too.
Husband has no words for emotions and shuts problems out. He is loving towards the kids.
A few years ago he drank and drove and crashed his car on a country lane. Thankfully no one was hurt. He lost his licence for 15 months, which had a big impact on us all.I have found it hard to forgive the fact he put his own and other people’s lives at risk.
The first time it happened I was away at a conference. A few years on it happened again when I was away on a mums/kids weekend. I only found out as he wasn’t answering his phone and his I phone location was on a roadside (he had run out of charge). His Dad went to tow him home and found he had been drinking - they swept it under the rug. He was angry with me for looking up his location and ultimately being found out.
Recently, I have suspected he is drinking on his way home from work and on a day where he works from home and I am out. He picks up our daughter and takes her swimming. We discussed my concerns in counselling and he denied them saying I’m anxious/OTT. The counsellor probed us for a resolution - he suggested buying a breathaliser. Weeks passed and I had no concerns until one day when he returned from swimming with daughter. Denied drinking. I Asked for breathaliser - he blew red. Blamed the breathaliser. I said I’m done. I cannot accept him drink driving, we already know the pain of losing a child FFS and would not wish it on anyone. He is not trying to get help and says he drinks because of our relationship. I feel he is now trying to shift blame and is adamant his drinking is not cause of separation and that we were unhappy. In reality is likely both.

Anyway, our family have been through a lot. I worry about my son in particular, who lived through the death of his brother when he was 3.5-4 and the aftermath of what that does to your parents. Daughter absolutely adores her Dad and he can do no wrong in her eyes.

I know we need to keep things neutral and united when we tell them about our separation but what if he gets worse when we split? I feel I need to tell them to call me/family if they are ever worried when he’s been drinking. Hopefully he won’t but I don’t feel I can chance that. I can talk generally about never getting in a car with anyone who has had alcohol including family etc.

I have tried talking to him about getting support but he is very defensive and will o to acknowledge an issue to the smallest degree. I am struggling to be compassionate.

I have put on weight after 3 babies, death of child and marital stress and he likens me not being able to better myself (lose weight) to his drink/driving. I have tried many times to lose weight but failing under constant stress. He may well be struggling with alcohol under constant stress too, I get that. I have gone from size 10 to 16 over past 8 years but recently joined gym and de-railing myself less!

Sorry turned into whole life dump. What if anything should we tell kids? Just that we aren’t happy together but both love them very very much and that will never change, we are both there for them etc, still a family but it seperate houses?? They’re going to have questions.

I feel so broken by life. I want to be strong and happy for my kids. Thanks for reading.

This is a sad read OP. You have all been through a lot.

Next time he compares your weight gain to his drink driving, point out that emotional eating is not illegal whereas drink driving is! If it happens again I think you should report him to the police. Tell him you're going to do this.

When you tell the children about your separation I think you just need to say what you've said here about still loving them very much. It's not the right time to bring up his drink driving at that moment, but it's a good idea to say at another time the thing about not getting in the car with someone who has been drinking.

If you can't trust him not to drink when he's working from home, would it be better if you take your DD to her swimming class?

Sending virtual hugs and support. The pain and grief after child loss never goes away I completely understand as we lost our daughter. I also feel broken and the old me has gone.

Don’t apologise for sharing your feelings. You sound like you are doing your best to protect your children.

If DH won’t admit that he has a drink problem nothing will change. He’s putting himself and your family at risk. That must be unbearable.
He is in complete denial. I can’t believe he tried to compare your weight gain to his alcohol dependence.

It’s good that you have a plan and are trying to look to the future. Just explain in basic terms for now about the split, answer questions as they arrive and just say you both love them as you suggested.

Sending you a big massive hug for all you’ve been through 💐. I know I’m just a random person on the Internet but I would 100% be calling time due to the drinking as well. It will be so hard telling the kids but very temporary and you are protecting them from a childhood of thinking daily drinking is normal. It’s really appalling he’s drink driving.

”no one ever got arrested or killed anyone by fat driving”. If he tries that line again. He’s clearly in denial and you’re getting the typical deflection from an addict.

I’m so sorry OP. You’ve been through too much.

My sister is an alcoholic and unfortunately there is nothing you can do to help them help themselves. Your DH is still in denial. If anything by leaving you’re no longer enabling the situation and you’re prioritising the safety and security of your family. You’re doing the right thing by all.

It’s really hard but I would be honest with the children about the drinking, for their own safety and actually for their own emotional health in the long run. The reality is they will discover it for themselves in a few years and it is hard (one of my best friend’s dads was an alcoholic). I think having them understand what’s causing his behaviour means they are less likely to internalise his behaviour. You don’t have to demonise him in telling them. Daddy loves you but he has a problem. Until he gets help he can’t drive you anywhere.

It doesn’t sound like he’s in a position to have them unsupervised. Losing custody may be the wake up call he needs.

edited for typos

Wow - op being a size 16 is not life threatening to you or your children. His rationale thought is lost in his alcoholism.

and that is what you need to face. He won’t stop drinking because he’s an addict. And that is clearly putting your children at risk.

i think if possible, can you and DH agree how to manage the separation amicably, for the sake of the children. There’s no point you fighting this out.

but you also need to bare in mind, if he is a safeguarding risk due to drink driving/ being an alcoholic, then he probably can’t have unsupervised access with the children.

i think in your shoes, go and see a solicitor. Get everything down and paper and get their advice on proceedings and outcomes.

as for DH, he needs to recognise his problem and take action, if he doesn’t want to lose his kids.

This is shit for you OP. I’m really sorry. But you are absolutely in the right to protect yourself and your children from the harm he could cause.

I’m sorry for your loss, that sort of pain doesn’t go.

I would try really hard to focus on seperation arrangements where he doesn’t need to drive your children. So, this is really unfair on you but I would do all clubs, lifts to friends etc.

And I would speak to him really seriously about not driving when hes drinking. I’d probably try acknowledging the fact that he’s right - the drinking isn’t dissimilar to overeating in terms of managing emotions - but that if he can’t stop the drinking then he must stop the driving.

If he still really really can’t do one or the other, then you’re going to need to call the police I think.

Thank you so much for your replies so far. I’m unsure if he is an alcoholic, but he certainly has alcohol problem drinking. There are times he goes a few days/maybe weeks without drinking I think but then when he does it’s on the way home from work, when working from home (now works from pub) on one day a week. It has caused damage to us as a family, lost license and now family all related to alcohol. He will not accept that and highlights all the other issues, which to be quite honest are minor in comparison and common to most people I would think. We’ve been together 20 years. I’m so sad that he won’t accept he has a problem, unless he just has utterly shit morals!!
Currently the arrangement is that I’m doing all the driving/clubs and occasionally he will pick up but need to send me his breathaliser test via video before doing so. Would you accept that?

I had to leave my ex because of his drinking when my son was 8. It was horrendous but I had no choice - he was off work for another illness and had started drinking at noon every day, being angry and ranty and volatile and it was a scary way to live. He agreed to stop drinking but didn't so after he collected my son from school so drunk he could barely walk - I left with my son that night.

I didn't tell my son the reason was my ex's drinking immediately - just said we were not happy together and would argue less if we split up and lived separately. However his drinking got even worse after I left - he was very drunk with my son at contact - then I realised he had driven drunk with my son in the car. I had never dreamed he would do that in a million years. He stopped seeing my son for about 2 years.

I had to tell my son I left because of the drinking because he could quickly see the issue himself, even aged 8.

My ex quickly lost his license and then his job through alcohol. After 3 years he managed to go to rehab (twice) and to my knowledge hasnt drunk for three years at all. Back at work. Seeing my son a couple of times a month.

My son managed the upheaval better than I ever dreamed and I never regretted leaving for one second. When I had made the decision it was a huge relief. I focussed on surviving each day and practical tasks consumed me - renting a new flat, furniture from charity shops, getting a new job.

What I mean to say is your partners drinking WILL get worse, whether you stay or leave. It will escalate when you leave because you are probably holding him together and unwittingly facilitating his drinking (I was). However I know my ex would not have stopped drinking if I stayed. My leaving saved him in a way.

Look into Al Anon, I never looked into it until after I left and I wish I had. Your husbands drinking - You didn't cause it, you can't change it, you can't cure it.

Mine blamed me too - it is part of the staggering ability for denial that all alcoholics share.

@RockingBeebo im so very sorry. I’m glad your son is adjusting well. I think my husband is at the early point and could turn things around if only he wasn’t it denial. You’re absolutely right - the level of denial is staggering! The lies do damage. Despite this, I hope he gets better not worse. He says doesn’t think he’ll drink anymore when we’ve split up - it’s our relationship that’s the problem :(

People get really hung up on the word “Alcoholic” because that seems to be a line they can’t tolerate crossing. But its like thinking a person can’t be a nazi if they don’t have a little hitler mustache.

Your DH absolutely meets criteria for alcohol use disorder: (roughly)

Can’t carry out normal functions
Concerned family or medical persons
Can’t stop
Has tried to stop
etc…etc…

The point is he is engaging in reckless and illegal behavior. He can’t stop even when his children could be affected. And when you try to help him he DARVO’s you (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) to shut you down.

Be honest with the children in a child appropriate way. Read up on alcoholism in the family. Its very much going to affect them throughout their lives.

So much sympathy to all of you! I lost a sister when I was 8 and she was six. Brain tumor. My brother and I are fine 50 some years later.

I think your perception of what an alcoholic is, is a little bit warped.

he drinks on his way home from work.
he drinks when driving the kids from swimming.
he drinks when he’s working at home
he works from a pub one day a week.
His family is separating because he drinks.
he’s blaming you for his drinking.

wake up.

I am sorry for your loss and am in awe of your resilience.

I'd actually be speaking to the police about this for advice, and I would be reporting him during any suspected drink drive offence. Best for your kids and ours that he loses his licence again.

Writing this as a former alcoholic (who never drunk drove).

Thank you for your kind words. I was with my ex for 16 years. He didn't drink every day either, not until the last couple of years. He didn't drink drive until I left - drink driving is a huge indicator that things will not get better for your husband until his whole life has fallen apart. I fear for you.

I truly urge you to look into Al Anon. You will start seeing the patterns of behaviour that all alcoholics share, and the ways that you are unconsciously enabling his drinking to continue. In my own case, I tried to cover up his drinking from my family and friends because I was so ashamed (and because I didn't want to be told I had to leave him). Drinking thrives on secrecy.

You won't be aware of his full extent of his current drinking - so much of it will be effectively hidden.

I wish you and your children all the best.

@24Dogcuddler I’m sorry you know the pain of child loss too. There is not a single part of life it doesn’t touch, is there. X

@SlightlyTerrifiedButPolite im sorry about your sister. That must be incredibly difficult. It’s hard to watch someone self-destruct.
I’m not sure I could explain his drinking to our 6 year old? They need to feel their Dad is safe. I think he does feel a safe place to her right now, less so my son. If this escalates, which seems likely, I will have to explain to her I guess. You’re right it’s so important they don’t interpret the few times he’s been very angry with them after drinking as their wrong doing/that they’re bad, as that is not emotionally safe at all x

@pikkumyy77 thank you for your reply, every single one here has been helpful. I’m so sorry about the loss of your sister. There are so many what ifs after a loss like that. I’m glad to hear you’re living a happy life. I hope my children will have the same x

@StraightTalkingTina your reply is void of emotion but the list was very helpful. Like a punch in the gut that’s somehow needed. Thank you

You need to tell the police he is drink driving again so that they can take his license. You cannot just wait until he crashes drunk again, don’t give him a chance to kill either your children or someone else’s. No grief excuses repeated drunk driving, he absolutely should not hold a license. He is a danger to himself but more importantly others and you must not be complicit.

I did that deliberately. I hope it helped.

Its hard to see things objectively when you are in the thick of it.

its interesting though that he says he’ll stop drinking when the relationship is over, but isn’t ending the relationship himself. Because that’s his excuse to drink. That’s his justification to keep drinking.

you can’t fix him, you can only protect yourself and your children from the risk he poses to you all.