Resentful towards my mother but guilty about keeping my distance

[LemonCookie8]

I’m sorry this is going to be a long post. I need to get something off my chest and would appreciate some perspective, if you fancy reading this till the end.

In the last few years, I have become resentful towards my mother. When I was a child I used to idolise her and totally put her on a pedestal. In my eyes she could do no wrong. Even when she gave me a black eye as a teenager I still justified her! Then after therapy and after I became a mother myself, I started seeing her for what she really is.

She spent her entire life feeling bitter about her marriage but not having the guts to leave. As a result my childhood was at the mercy of my parents’ arguments, I remember feeling so angry about my dad’s behaviour, wishing I could do something to make everything better, and feeling so powerless because of it. She never listened to me, still doesn’t - it’s all about how she feels. When I was pregnant and suffering from sickness she told me to stop complaining because I was making her feel sick too. On the day I graduated, she sat me down to tell me about my dad’s latest gambling episode, causing me to burst into tears, then said I was making her feel bad for crying.
She also believed that praising would make me big headed, so there were never positive words for me. When I got a job straight after uni, she said I was lucky. When I got recognition at work, she said people were being nice.

Because of all of this, I developed OCD in my teens, and the trigger is fear of being trapped in negative situations of my own making. I also grew up with feelings of worthlessness and low self esteem.
I can’t help feeling resentful but I also feel guilty for not calling her as much (I live abroad so I rarely see her). She’s not getting any younger and I worry about regretting not talking to her whilst she’s still around.
Can anyone relate? How did you cope with these feelings whilst still doing “the right thing”?
Thank you if you made it this far!

As I understand it you want to keep your mother in your life in some way but at a safe distance because she has never been able to put you first and you find contact with her painful at times. It sounds to me like this is achievable. You live abroad so that is already a huge boundary set. She can’t turn up uninvited and I’m guessing your calls are largely pre-planned. So what is it your struggling with specifically?

Do you have concerns about her aging without support where she is?

Is you mum, my mum - I literally could have written this post! Sending support x

A lot of us sadly had this type of mother. Check out the 'I took you to stately homes' threads you will find support there x

hey, just wanted to say that I totally understand you and it’s so difficult to navigate

my mum who is 75 is really crazy, she threatened to punch me the other week and called me a fucking bitch in front of my kids

and I now that she’s crossed a line that can’t be forgiven, but I feel incredibly guilty because side she’s alone (everyone turned away from her)

it’s so so hard! I keep telling myself- her happiness is not my responsibility

There’s good reason why you went abroad- you also went away to escape her. She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she has not changed fundamentally in all the years since. She was once young and abusive and now she is old and abusive. If she is alone now she is alone for good reason. Do not go back into her dysfunctional world.

Deal with any sense of fear obligation and guilt through therapy; she installed those buttons in you and they need to be removed. She has presumably never apologised nor has accepted any responsibility for her actions. She had a choice when it came to you and she chose the same old that was likely done to her as a child. You were also a child at the time and so you were never responsible for her marriage problems. She decided to blame you for all her inherent ills.

You likely feel guilty because you are a reasonable person but really what do you have to feel guilty about re her?. She’s getting old . Well we all are. She is really not worth bothering about and you owe her nothing, let alone a relationship here.

Where was your father in all this?. She was violent and caused you to develop OCD. She can make her own provision for her dotage and you are still under no obligation to do any running around after her. Let adult social care deal with her.

You instead need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. Sod feeling guilty about her as well because she has shown no guilt nor remorse re yourself.

Do read and or post in the current Well we took you to Stately Homes thread on these Relationships pages and read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

And when a mother uses guilt to make her adult child feel lesser or wrong she is doing so primarily to get her own way.

Thank you so much for such an insightful reply. You’re spot on, I feel guilty because I was “programmed” to. Not talking to her feels deeply wrong and I feel conflicted.
To answer your question about my father - he is a very emotionally immature individual with many mental health issues including a gambling addiction. I went NC with him shortly after I moved abroad. He was also abusive. I hated him so deeply growing up, and my mother kept asking me to keep the peace and to “do it for her or she’ll pay the price”. Her manipulative behaviour was never visible to me until I really unpacked my upbringing. I know that bringing all of this up with her will just backfire as she’ll find ways of blaming things on me or playing the victim. This has been her way of dealing with everything for her whole life and she genuinely thinks she was/is a faultless parent!

Thanks for your reply, I really appreciate it.
I struggle with the guilt that comes with not calling her, not allowing her to build a relationship with my daughter, not being a “good daughter” myself after “all she’s done for me”. One of the posters below nailed it - this sense of guilt was instilled in me growing up and it needs reprogramming.

I think mixed feelings are understandable and everything is always up for review. If you want to build a stronger relationship between your mother and your dd you could always makes steps in that direction and pull back a little if that’s what you decide later. It’s about finding the balance that works at the time. I understand you’re cautious and you’re right to think carefully but I think you can find a balance that works.