Can a marriage recover when your DH always puts his sister first?

[Expertinadyingfield]

DH and I have been together for over 16 years. We live in New Zealand with our DD12. I also have two adult DCs who live independently. We've hit some major problems with our relationship and I'm wondering if there's any way back.

Bit of background - DH and I met after being introduced by his sister. I was just coming out of a very difficult divorce and had been a single parent for several years. All great for the first 18 month or so at which point DH moved in with me and my two DC. For reasons that I'll never fathom, DH's sister took against me at the that point and was bad-mouthing me and my DS to their parents and many mutual friends. We lived in a fairly small village and the whole experience was awful.

At the time, DH was at a loss as to how to deal with it. Although he spoke to his sister, it more on the lines of a heart to heart to find out what had upset her. I don't think he intended it, but I have always felt that he thought I was the problem for being upset by his sister's actions, rather than her being the issue for causing it.

Since then, there are many, many examples of him putting his sister's feelings before mine. For example, after our DD was born, I had high blood pressure ad was only allowed home on the condition that I rested as much as possible and avoided any stress. DH's sister wanted to visit within an hour of us getting home. DH agreed as he didn't want to upset her by saying no and because "She has the right to see her niece.". This was pretty stressful for me - less then 24 hours after giving birth and feeling exhausted and sore - but he didn't even think about whether her coming round would make me feel uncomfortable or stressed.

This is just one of many examples that I could give. A few years ago, we were on the verge of splitting up over this, but we decided to give things another go and emigrate for a fresh start. My family all live over here so it seemed like a good idea for us and our DC.

We had a great first few years here, but DH gradually become more and more withdrawn. He was, understandable homesick and we talked about moving back to the UK but he didn't want to. We also saved up for him to go back to visit his family whenever he wanted and he's done that a few times.

Last year, his sister and his dad caused another issue by deleting me and my older DD from his late mum's fb friends (which I discovered when she kept coming up as a suggested friends). Sounds petty, but it was quite hurtful as I'd worked hard to mend things with his mum and thought we had a decent relationship. I also looked after our home and DC so that he could go back to spend four months with his DM before she died. DH yet again treated me like the problem for being upset about this and swept the whole thing under the carpet. While discussing this, DH admitted that he has always put his sister's feeling before mine as they have a "special relationship" that he doesn't want to jeopardise.

For additional context, my DM died in early 2024. She has been ill with dementia for several years which was just awful to watch and live through. She lived a couple of hours away, so I went to be with her when her conditional deteriorated and I was told by the nursing staff at her care home that she probably only had a week left. I call my DH around 9.30pm to tell him and I was, understandably, pretty distraught. The following day (I was still with DM) I spent a traumatic morning arranging end of life care for her and realised that DH had made no contact with me at - not even a text to see if I was ok. A few months later, we went back to the UK to take my mum's ashes home and have them buried with my Dad and he arrange a big night out with his friends, their wives and children on the day of my mum's burial and was surprised that I was upset about this and didn't really want to go.

I guess I'm left feeling like he really doesn't care that much about me. Our relationship is great when I'm supporting him and fun to be around, but when I've needed him, he's not been there. I'm also really struggling with being second best to his sister. While part of me appreciates that he's been honest about this, it really, really hurts and my self-esteem is pretty low as a result.

At the moment, separating is not an option as we are in the middle of work on our house that needs to be done before we can sell it. I'm also mindful of doing what's best for DD12.

Any advice on how to manage things going forward, or how to get past how DH feels would be very gratefully received. I have asked him to consider marriage counselling, but he doesn't want to spend money on this and feels we should be able to talk things through ourselves. I'm not so sure as we just go round in circles and he never really listens to me.

Thank you for reading.

I’d make the counselling appointment and tell him he can come with me or I will go on my own, but whatever the case I will be talking about how I feel taken for granted in this relationship and what my options are going forward.

He knows you’re not able to leave and doesn’t think you ever will. He needs to be on your team and any decent couples therapist would say the same and that this is clearly lacking. It’s basic Gottman stuff. Taking the side of his sister and letting her carry on with all this nonsense towards you is not acceptable and is jeopardising your relationship.

Edited to add: When my partner complained about the cost of therapy I asked him how much he thought a divorce would cost.

Sorry to say it but it does sound like the relationship isn't working out for you. The behaviour on your DMs passing/ ashes would have been the end for me. What are you getting out of the relationship? Sending my best.

Get your house sorted and sold, move on with your life without this very selfish man.

His behaviour at the time of your mum's death was bloody awful.

I think pp is right and you should force.the issue of counselling.

I don't think I'd want to get past his absolute lack of care at that time, tbh. It's as if he barely sees you as a person with feelings and needs in your own right.

What has his sister got on him?. She’s certainly got a hold on him and this predates you.

Go to counselling on your own.

You could likely sell the house as it is so do not let that stop you. Sone people like a house project they can do themselves and go onto complete.

You’re here because you’ve waited for him to be someone he clearly isn’t.

Prioritising someone who treats you as an option, never ends the way you hope it will. Sell now, or fast track the renovations so you can sell sooner rather than later.

Thank you for all the responses, I really appreciate them. I’ve got so used to being told I’m too emotional or overreacting that I think I’ve downplayed all the stuff with my mum’s passing.
I guess I’ve also been holding out hope that things would go back to how they were when we first met but I’m coming to the realisation that this isn’t going to happen.
My only sister also died last year so I’ve been struggling with the grief of that, specially so soon after loosing my mum. But, I’ve been pretty much doing it alone as I don’t feel I can rely on DH to care or be there for me.
I’ve put off doing anything party cos of our house - which is slowly getting sorted - but also cos of the exhaustion of keeping it all together day after day, mainly for the sake of DD but also due to work commitments.

Having my feeling validated by you all has given me some strength to really think about myself and what I deserve from the rest of my life.

I think him being selfish and his relationship with his sister are two separate issues.
She sounds a bit unhinged but she is a long way away now. I am sorry she’s been meddling for so long.
But his behaviours apart from that are just awful.
You know from your recent losses that you get one life. And then it’s over.
So plan ahead. Don’t bother going to counselling with him. Go yourself. Think how you want to live, sort your house out and make the break.
Yes you have a child to think of but you’ve done quite enough for this man now and he’s done naff all for you.

It sounds bad, OP, reading this made me sad. I don't think this man loves you as you need or deserve to be loved. If you book some therapy for yourself it may give you the strength to start getting your ducks in a row. He doesn't want therapy and if you persuaded him to attend he would undoubtedly play the victim. These things don't happen overnight but there are plenty of women (some on here) who spent a few years successfully planning their exit. Sometimes the planning itself can provide a boost to your mental health because you have something to aim for.

He's a horrible selfish pig. Get your renovation done. Then sell your house

There is nothing you’ll ever be able to do to resolve this as long as your husband openly tells you his sister matters more. Organising a bit do the day of uptight mum’s burial would have been the last straw for me.

Go to counselling. Start making a plan for when you can leave. Doesn’t have to be immediate if you have a house that needs to be finished. You deserve to be loved and supported and prioritised in your marriage, not play second best to his sister. The way you’ve recounted their behaviour is so creepy to me but I do admit I have a terrible relationship with my brothers so maybe it feel less odd to people with a healthier dynamic.

Once he is a free agent and his sister can have him all to herself, he might find it more suffocating than special. Leave them to it.

I wonder what you DH is telling his sister about you

How the heck is your poor daughter coping in this shit show?

I guess I’ve also been holding out hope that things would go back to how they were when we first met

you first met 16 years ago and things went south a mere 18 months in.

being optimistic things might change is all well and good but not 14.5 years after it was last good FGS

Tbh, things have only been really crap for the last couple of years. Before that, we’ve had our ups and downs but I’ve kind of minimised stuff and made excuses in my mind for him putting his sister first. Until now, I’ve always been a glass half full see the best in things kind of person.

i guess the turning point was his lack of care when my mum was really poorly and I think I’ve finally started to see things as they really are. I don’t relish starting again in my 50s so I’ve just got on with it but I don’t think I can anymore.

My DD is my biggest concern and my number 1 priority. The last couple of years have been especially hard with losing her grandma and her auntie in a short space of time. We talk a lot and do a lot together and she seems to actually be thriving - she has a good group of friends, lots of interests and has just been offered a place at the high school that she really wants to go to next year. I am, however, mindful of keeping an eye on her wellbeing and just want to what’s best for her.

What is his relationship like with your DD12?

Personally I would get the house sold and go build a new life.

I had an ex who was emotionally enmeshed with his sister and it came to a head when I crushed my foot in a car crash and he went to watch his sister at some effing karate thing instead of visit me at the hospital. I pointed out it looked to the outside world that he was fucking his sister.

He did change a little but honestly my love and respect for him had already died. We broke up and I never looked back.

Emotional enmeshment is creepy and incestuous.

Sounds like he’s checked out, and neither of you sound in a good place, defo do not force him o do marriage counselling, if he doesn’t want to he doesn’t want to. For me actions speak louder than words, sell up and move on.

Is he older or younger than his sister? It sounds like his sister is jealous of you, and she seems to have some wired control over him, being close to a sibling is one thing, letting that closeness interfere with a relationship isn’t closeness its unhealthy. He needs counselling to help him see his relationship with his sister is bloody weird, and as papier-mâchépanda pointed out sounds bordering on incestuous. It’s not healthy, he has no obligations to his sister, but he has to you.
His behaviour when you came back to the UK for your mums memorial service was appalling. Doesn’t sound like he was much of a support after your sister died either.
so sorry OP it sounds like you had a horrible time over the last couple of years.
the question is would you be happier being just you and dd, or do you want to stay with a man who is clearly taking you for granted , and gives no shits about you?
I’d guess if you started the separation process you husband would be jumping on a plane and heading back the UK, without a second glance at either you or DD.
sorry OP it sounds totally miserable.

But her parents, her home, appears to be in a very unhappy place and have been from basically when she was born

I can't believe that you were prepared to leave your older children and the rest of your family and go back to the UK with your husband and younger daughter, even though she has such a good life where she is.

I really hope that you are no longer offering him this.

He loves his sister and its not a normal sibling love! Abusers say to their partners that they are overreacting and emotional.

Neither of these situations are good. End all of this now for the good of your DD and yourself. Do not have counselling with him as he is and has been an abuser.