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Relationships

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How to sleep together while on different schedules...please advise!

11 replies

Middleagedmanagement · 02/08/2026 22:58

In recent years I have been sleeping separately from my husband. This was due to a combination of his snoring and the fact I was going through the menopause, waking frequently etc. Both of these issues are now mostly resolved and I am trying to share a bed with him again.

The problem is that I go to bed about 1.5 hrs earlier than him and get up much earlier than him too. This means that during the week we are effectively never awake and in bed at the same time.

My question is: what is the point of this? We're just disturbing each other Mon-Fri and would sleep better separately. How common is this? Should I just 'move in' each weekend and then retreat to my own room on Sunday night?

If anyone can suggest arrangements which work for them I'd love to hear them!

OP posts:
Endoadnowarrior · 03/08/2026 00:40

Do what works best for you both!
If sleeping undisturbed is the key, do that! Talk to your dh about how together you can ensure you are both prioritising other times/places etc for both sexual/non sexual physical touch, intimacy and spontaneity as well as sleep x

SpottyAlpaca · 03/08/2026 00:53

We are in a similar position. I’m an owl (which is why I’m faffing about on MN at nearly 1am). DP is a lark who will be up at 5am. Silly bugger.

Trying to make going to bed at the same time was never going to work, so after many years of disturbing each other with different sleep schedules in the same bed we agreed a few years ago that separate rooms were the way forward. Game changer. Now we both sleep better & don’t have to worry about waking the other. Romantic? No. Practical? Very much so,

Middleagedmanagement · 03/08/2026 08:27

Thank you both for this. Out of interest, do you both consciously make time for affection/intimacy at other points in the day?

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Shoxfordian · 03/08/2026 08:29

We sleep separately

I stay in bed waiting for him to wake up at the weekend, I read a book or mess about on my phone and then he comes in for cuddles, and we read the papers together, have breakfast in bed - then we get up later

In the evening, he still comes in to snuggle before I go to sleep and he goes to his room. We're also affectionate all day when we're home together- it works fine for us

PrettyLittleRose · 03/08/2026 12:24

It's of the most paramount importance to get sleep. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture, and can make you ill, mentally and physically.

Not getting enough sleep harms your brain, immune system, and heart by causing slower reactions, weaker defences, and higher stress hormones. Healthy adults need 7 to 9 hours of sleep each night to let the body repair itself.

Brain and Mind

  • Slow thinking: You cannot focus, solve problems, or remember things well.
  • Bad moods: You feel angry, sad, or stressed out very easily.
  • Slow reactions: Your body takes longer to move, which raises your risk of car crashes, and harming yourself if you operating tricky machinery.

Body and Health

  • Weak defence system: Your body makes fewer infection-fighting cells, so you catch colds and get sick more often.
  • Weight gain: Sleep changes your hunger hormones, making you want to eat more sugary and fatty foods.
  • Heart strain: Your blood pressure goes up, raising your long-term risk for heart disease and stroke.

If you have the opportunity to have a separate bedroom from your husband, ALWAYS do it. Even from the beginning I felt irritated by sharing a bed with DH, as he rolled about a lot, and grunted, and farted, and breathed heavy in my ear and on the back of my neck. He would often take up 80% of the bed too, leaving me hanging on the edge, with about 10% of the duvet! He even hit me in the face a few times with his arm swinging over onto me!

After we had been together 10 years, living together for 8 years, and married for 5 years, we got a house with enough bedrooms so we didn't have to share!! Never shared with him since. (Together 30-ish years now.) I even book 2 rooms when we go on holiday. Yes it costs more, but OMG it's soooo worth it.

We have been on a few coach trips, and on one of them, as DH and I were handed our TWO room keys (room 201 and room 202,) several women in the coach party behind me (with their husbands) gasped and said 'how come you've got a room each?!' I said 'we booked separate rooms, cost a bit more, not even that much, about 15% extra for the 5 day trip. We always do and we both sleep like babies!'

They were all like 'oh my God I wish I had known that!' whilst slightly scowling at their husband! 😆 A few of them said they will definitely do that on the next trip.

Sharing a bed with your partner is really outdated IMO, and harks back to when people were poor, and cold in their home, and sharing a bed kept them warm together. Middle and upper class people generally have separate bedrooms. Always have had. (Maybe not for the first 3-5 years of living together as some people feel obliged to share a bed with their spouse, but the novelty of THAT soon wears off!!) Posh people have pretty much always had a bedroom each. Super posh people have their own wing in the house! As I said, they always have had.

It always baffles me too that some people think you can only shag in bed at night! 😆 Like, if you don't share a bed and a bedroom at night, you can't possibly be having sex. DH and I have inexplicably always managed to shag 2 or 3 times a week, (some weeks more) despite sleeping in separate bedrooms since our mid-late 30s. Call us crazy, but we generally go to bed to sleep!

tl'dr @Middleagedmanagement Go back to sleeping in separate bedrooms. It's utterly divine! 😍 Perfect sleep, and privacy, and your own cosy little space! 2 grown adults sharing a small 6ft X 4ft bed indefinitely is untenable IMO. Even if you get a bigger bed, you can still hear him snoring and grunting and farting. And fuck noise cancelling headphones! 😆It's my own room or the highway!

SleepingStandingUp · 03/08/2026 12:26

are you actually waking each other up? if you're going up 90 minutes before him surely you're in bed most of the night together?
on the nights you want sex, I think you just had to be clear before bedtime so he comes up with you, and then he can sit in bed and read or go back downstairs etc

Whoops75 · 03/08/2026 12:30

We are the same and sleep separately.
For intimacy we let each other know if we fancy a ‘nap’.
House is full of kids today, when they leave at 4pm we’re heading to bed for a while.

sunshinesuperwomsn · 03/08/2026 12:34

I've slept separately from DH for years because he is a shift worker. He also snores like a buzz saw.

Also I am a 'lark' and he's an 'owl'.

It saved our marriage because I was ready to walk out, I was so tired through lack of sleep.

cinquanta · 03/08/2026 13:30

I’m a lark and DH is an owl and we go to bed and get up sometimes three hours apart. We still sleep together without any problems. I don’t get woken by him coming to bed and he doesn’t get woken by me getting up.

ThingsCouldBeEasier · 03/08/2026 19:32

We've had separate bedrooms for years due to different schedules and insomnia. We just had cuddles before DH's bedtime.

Middleagedmanagement · 04/08/2026 22:06

Thanks all - definitely food for thought

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