Would you stop accepting gifts from uninterested grandparents and in-laws?

[Teainapinkcup]

Just that really, for years, dump the gifts and run they have no interest in the kids, or me, or their sin actually. They do not invite us they do not come when we invite them now. We used to live in the same area and it was the same.

They go into dh work and leave the gifts there with him, then I have to say oh these are from your grandparents that never call or visit or express any interest whatsoever. Have put up with it for years. It is hurtful.

I called mil out the blue a few months ago to tell her something important and she was all oh I will maybe call you etc... has not! Will not!

I can not write too many examples of the meanness (but you would be disgusted if you are a decent person with kindness in your heart) as its too outing and this may be outing enough, and if it is...I do not care. Who acts like this!

Started before I married dh it was similar but I was so young I did not realise what it would look like when we eventually married and had kids. Sil was never nice to me and refused to accept my invites for spending time together early on in my time with this "family" I am an only child and I had told her once I had my 1st child that she was my kids only aunt, she is a cruel person.

What would you do? can not tell them how we feel as they are not reasonable to talk to. Just say to dh he is silly if he brings anything up like what happened to shut us up before.

I would prefer the gifting to stop, like it did with sil... MIL always made mean comments to me even made me cry once and I have tried so hard to have some sort of relationship over the years but they are just all incapable of being social.

Very strange but I think they are all ND as my dh and kids are it turns out (did not know my dh was until I had kids with him) That is a whole other story ...

My kids have zero relationship with any of dh family due to all this as they have made it clear they are not interested in a family, its just mil/fil/sil and her dh and kids that they seem to care about and act like a family with.

Being ND doesn't mean not interested in kids and family.

This is just them and who they are.

Does the gift giving feel like an exercise box for them? Just tell them to stop if they cba with the rest of the relationship as its actually pointless.

If they refuse to stop then don't accept anything they send and refuse delivery Etc.

They don't get to play pretend with your children so don't let them.

I am ND and am involved in my nephew and niece's lives. I don't see them every week but I visit every couple of months and never miss a birthday or Christmas. I make sure I keep in touch. We all have lives but no excuse for this half arsed attempts.

What’s to say? They don’t want a relationship, and it takes two to have a relationship. Leave it at that. I don’t see that there’s anything to get het up about. They don’t want you, you don’t like them - surely this outcome is ideal?

Gifts: keep them, donate them, it doesn’t matter. Not a big deal.

I think you have a picture in your head of what other people should be like. You kinda have no leg to stand on complaining about them, you knew this is what they are like before you married your husband. Nothing has changed.

see this is it, they are good with sil and her 3 kids. School runs and night overs and baby sitting galore and as a result now those kids are young adults they have some type of relationship still. Even dog sit for sil. I get the ND thing as my kids have this but my dh is kind and caring, so its also a personality thing, but its not working for anyone now.

Yes and its normally perfect but at gift giving time... brings it up oh and also it not that I do not like them its that they do not like me, its not no leg to stand on by desiring a decent family, anyone should get that as a minimum in life, but I know life is .... like this with people so I am not surprised. Just what to do about the fake gift giving crap.

So they are picking and choosing who to interact with. That makes it even worse and they can do it when they want to. Just cut them off. They are choosing to be like this. Just let husband deal with them.

Agree, its sad isnt it. Thank you. I know its wrong of them. My kids do not need this. My eldest knows what is going on and it does upset her that her grandparents are like this. Pathetic really.

Maybe gifts are all they can do when they are tied up with sil's life?

I’d just stay out of it. Not your family, not your problem. If your H wants to accept the gifts and pass them on to the children, that’s his choice, not yours.

but... it is my issue if it affects my kids as its their grandparents, supposed to be...

We hadn't seen mil since ds was a few weeks old. She sent a gift for his first. We posted it back. No drama.

Send a message saying to stop the gifts.

favouritism at its finest lol. What sort of excuse it that? can you imagine someone saying that to you? "oh we are too busy with so and so and so will never see or call you" bizarre!

So you get it, thank you, yes will have to do something about it, I can not carry on like this , its toxic nonsense.

Sending the gifts back or messaging them to stop is a response and to disordered people like your in-laws that is the reward. Neurodiversity is NOT to blame for their behavior, an untreated personality disorder like Narcissistic Personality disorder is far more likely to be behind their actions.

Neither of you should acknowledge any such items. They are using his workplace as a means of getting these gifts to you; in their minds your DH is the weak link here and the scapegoat for all their inherent ills. These items should be disposed of upon receipt or taken to a charity shop. Do not give these things more power than they already have. People from such dysfunctional families like your Hs end up playing roles: his sister and her family are more favoured whilst your h and you people are the scapegoats and treated accordingly. It is all part of their overall facade management to send items in an attempt to regain control.

I’m nd and all about my family. Being able to produce children and keep them alive until adulthood does not mean that that person has any interest in that offspring’s internal world, then or now. what you can do is seek out warm relationships with people around you, people who are able to be interested in you. DNA means nothing about how able someone is to offer you human connection in any meaningful way. You can model to your children building your own network of loving older adults.

Yes I actually think you have summed this up nicely. Thank you.

Yes, you are so right. Thank you for sharing that. Its a good way to think about the situation.