Will the sadness over my ex-husband's affair and its impact fade?

[HappyYetSad]

Ex husband started an affair with OW when our child was a toddler - I found out about the affair when he was three - ex and OW are on and off together to date. Our child is now primary age and we (child and I) are happy and settled in our new life. Ex sees child EOW - I one have any more. I am happy in a way I found out about the affair but I am also so sad that my child’s early years were so marred by such upheaval. Ex lied and said the affair had ended and we ‘worked on our marriage’ for a year. My poor baby was only four and so much of that time was dedicated to pleasing my husband - we had been together since teenagers and I wish I had the strength I do now to have ended it sooner. Wondering will the sadness ever go?

Try not to punish yourself about "not ending it sooner". You did what you did for the best of reasons. It's natural to feel regret but I think, to some extent, that's based on things that you know now but couldn't have possibly known when you made the decision to try to reconcile.

I would say (speaking from bitter experience) that the sadness will fade, but you will have to consciously work on that, primarily by trying not to indulge those feelings when they arise but, more importantly in my opinion, not giving yourself space for those feelings. Now that you've separated, your life will, I'm sure, get better, and you'll be so busy enjoying happiness you won't have time for the sadness. You will think about it from time to time, but not often, and only to remind yourself and realise how far you've come.

Well, at least you have empathy to feel sad about everything that happened, so your feelings are normal. But since you can't return to the past, put a positive spin on the things that have gone well. Think of how you got the child you did with that man so things worked out for the best in that area.

But to stop wallowing, when your mind goes to the past, redirect it to presently good things going on in your life. Since you were so young when you chose your ex as a partner, you lacked the life experience to choose wisely and probably missed red flags. I did the same thing and that first marriage didn't last. You're not alone in having things go south and starting fresh. The good thing is that you now have a second chance at creating the life you want and deserve.

Take care.

I think you need to be kind to yourself - you did the best you could at the time in difficult circumstances. You tried to work on the marriage despite being horribly betrayed and let down because you wanted to keep the family together for your little one. That isn't something to feel sad about, it's what many people do.

I think it's normal to feel sad but you won't feel like this forever. In all likelihood there will come a time in the next few years when the sadness will be replaced by indifference. You and your little one are doing ok and there's every chance that you'll meet someone else and hopefully have a much better relationship.

My best friend had a husband who had an affair with a mum from the school pick up and left her just after she'd had her 4th baby. She was devastated and begged him to stay but he left anyway. His fling didn't last and some years later he told her that it was the biggest mistake of his life and he wanted to try again with her. Guess what her answer was?