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Original poster

Friends suddenly distancing

8 replies

Spicyniknak5 · 31/07/2026 19:07

Hi i want to try keep this short.

37 females friends since 11, lost touch for 12 years.
She moved to London working in the creative industry. Shes had alot of fun and done alot.
I stayed in our home town. Had kids.
She came back 6 month ago when her mum died. The friendship is like we've never been a part. She said , I have got her through losing her mum. We've chatted throughout the day every day and had so many laughs like the old times. Contact has been equal and we've even started working on a little project together. She hoped that she could keep her mum's house and live here as a base, then she could travel on the train and do parts of her old life when she was ready. She got a normal job here and started paying off some debts from her mum's illness. She went back to london two weeks ago to a concert and it's like she came back and suddenly hated our town again. She says things now like we dress old here. That people here are racist. She's basing that on the factory.She's currently working in and personally.I've not met racist people in my line of work. Along with the comments put in the local area down.She started to say she feels reinspired and realises she needs to get back into what she used to do. The part that I've noticed is since London.She has started to massively back off. She looked after my house whilst I was away last week.And since i've been back , she's barely tried to make conversation. Basically , not messaging at all , and if she does , she's keeping it quite blunt. Making excuses like she's just tired. It's like she suddenly doesn't want to speak to me and I don't really understand where it's come from. We've got tickets to a concert in December.We've been away in march for a weekend. She's gone from enjoying evening.Walks and spending time with me to avoiding me.

I just kind of want some advice on how to not let this upset me. Despite the fact that I know she has put in equally the same amount of contact as me.This avoidance has made me feel like the problem. I'm just unsure how to not let this get to me because I had been in an awful relationship before she came back and her friendship has helped me massively move forward. It's going to be strange. I honestly didn't see this coming.What would you suggest?

OP posts:
OMGDidYouSayThat · 31/07/2026 21:44

You grew up together so you probably have that special bond, i would take her out for a drink or coffee and just ask her outright, explain how you feel and see what she says, you might be worrying about nothing, and if it turns out she thinks you’ve done something wrong at least you’ll know and you can discuss it

Prycejosh1987 · 31/07/2026 22:16

Spicyniknak5 · 31/07/2026 19:07

Hi i want to try keep this short.

37 females friends since 11, lost touch for 12 years.
She moved to London working in the creative industry. Shes had alot of fun and done alot.
I stayed in our home town. Had kids.
She came back 6 month ago when her mum died. The friendship is like we've never been a part. She said , I have got her through losing her mum. We've chatted throughout the day every day and had so many laughs like the old times. Contact has been equal and we've even started working on a little project together. She hoped that she could keep her mum's house and live here as a base, then she could travel on the train and do parts of her old life when she was ready. She got a normal job here and started paying off some debts from her mum's illness. She went back to london two weeks ago to a concert and it's like she came back and suddenly hated our town again. She says things now like we dress old here. That people here are racist. She's basing that on the factory.She's currently working in and personally.I've not met racist people in my line of work. Along with the comments put in the local area down.She started to say she feels reinspired and realises she needs to get back into what she used to do. The part that I've noticed is since London.She has started to massively back off. She looked after my house whilst I was away last week.And since i've been back , she's barely tried to make conversation. Basically , not messaging at all , and if she does , she's keeping it quite blunt. Making excuses like she's just tired. It's like she suddenly doesn't want to speak to me and I don't really understand where it's come from. We've got tickets to a concert in December.We've been away in march for a weekend. She's gone from enjoying evening.Walks and spending time with me to avoiding me.

I just kind of want some advice on how to not let this upset me. Despite the fact that I know she has put in equally the same amount of contact as me.This avoidance has made me feel like the problem. I'm just unsure how to not let this get to me because I had been in an awful relationship before she came back and her friendship has helped me massively move forward. It's going to be strange. I honestly didn't see this coming.What would you suggest?

I think you may need to personally find out why shes avoiding you.

Tumbler2121 · 31/07/2026 22:44

You said she looked after your house while you were away, is it likely that she's met up with your awful ex and doesn't want to discuss it with you?

ComedyGold007 · 31/07/2026 22:52

Just ask her.

She may just be missing the excitement of her life in London and probably needs to let off steam after losing her mum.

Loads of racists where I live, small rural market town full of people who’ve never been anywhere. I previously lived near London and can see the contrast. Despise some of the small town local ignoramuses. So I am with her if that’s how she sees things.

It’s very unlikely to be about you. Just her situation.

rahhhh · 31/07/2026 23:42

It’s only been a few days, why are you so worried? Maybe she’s just busy?

NewDogOwner · 01/08/2026 00:08

Seems to be about missing her old life and the vibrancy of London not you. She will also be associating this place with her old self that she feels she has outgrown and the mourning period. She naturally will be ready to move on from that. Talk to her.

concertinacornflake · 01/08/2026 05:50

She's very recently bereaved. The period you reconnected was immediately after the loss of her mum, when she would have been extremely unsettled. Her bereavement could have entered a different stage, she could have started to look more to her future. But also when she says she's tired - this could be the truth.

Her life, her heart is maybe really in London. It's a big change moving between two different places, especially if they are quite different in vibe.

When she talks about London, when she compares the two places, do you ask questions about her feelings, what she's missing or do you defend your home town? If she's finding your home town uncomfortable, but you find that makes you uncomfortable, then it might get harder to hang out whilst she works out whether to go back to London.

Namenamchange · 01/08/2026 11:05

Give her time and a bit of space, Shes at a bit of a cross roads and doesn’t know which way to turn.

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