Should I discuss my estranged sibling with my nearly adult child?

[OverHung639]

Looking for advice regarding DC nearly becoming an adult. I'm just worried and scared about what the future may hold if my estranged sibling decides she wants to get in touch with DC.

We've been estranged over a decade. Issue being nature, nurture differences. Familial trauma passed down. Our parents not helping my sibling coming to terms with my existence. Sibling is a narcissist, I'm a HSP. Sibling hated me all my life. Would try to drive a wedge between my children and my children and me and DP.

I believe that my sibling would get started on a smear campaign against me right away with DC and I wouldn't stand a chance.

Would having a chat with DC be an option? Explain my concerns or just leave it and hope for the best?

When both my dcs have asked about why I don't see my sibling I have always tried to explain it in an age appriopriate way.

Any advice much appreciated.

What is an HSP?

This sounds awful for you and I would first ask DC what they would like to know, that way you won’t over explain. If you can answer factually and without emotion that would be great but I appreciate this might not be easy.

Do you have anyone in your corner who can corroborate your story if needed?

Good luck and I hope it works out well for you and your family.

I think you are massively underestimating you relationship with your DC. It is very likely their loyalty would be to you their mother. You are the one who has supported them through their lives, not your sibling.

On your question, I think the time is right to have an adult conversation on why you are not in touch with your sibling.

Whats a hsp?

No advice but complete solidarity as I am in the same situation with my estranged mum, step dad and siblings.

Your kids are very likely to take your side. You dont say how old your kids are but I would tell them

Someone will be along to give you proper tips, but solidarity - its tough but youve done the right thing x

I mean, sure, have you never had this conversation before? I’m estranged from my mum and even at 8, my dc knew why in an age appropriate way. Most older teens and young adults are pretty disinterested in even the aunts and uncles they’ve grown up being close to. I cannot imagine how a totally random unknown family member could appear from nowhere and turn your dc against you. Your dc will be out having fun with friends and living life, not wanting to talk to some mysterious auntie from nowhere. But yes, I would explain it all to them. They should know.

Highly doubtful your sibling will be in touch with their nieces or nephews if you have been NC for so long, as they will already be painfully aware their presence is no longer wanted nor needed.
Interesting you think they would even stand a chance of driving a wedge though.

Highly sensitive personality type. Completly different end of the spectrum from a narcissist.

I like that suggestion about asking if there's anything they want to know.

My DP can corroborate. He saw alot of the toxic behavior up until we went estranged.

Why do you think she'd do it now? But, tell your child very briefly and keep the details to a minimum.

They are a highly dominating and influential type of person. They are the type of person that would feel entitlement to my children. I'm still tothis day scared of them. They couldn't see how much they hurt me or understand that they were dripping poison into my 5 yo DCs ear with the things they'd say. When I pulled them up on their behaviour it went Darvo.

OP you know your children best but if they're nearing adult age, I think it's perfectly sensible to have a discussion with them about why you don't see your sibling and the destructive behaviour they have perpetrated on you in the past. Keep it simple and avoid language such as narcissistic or hsp, stick to the facts of their unpleasant behaviour.

Who diagnosed you as hsp and them as narcissistic?

I do sympathise with you. Have a narc ex and a troublesome sibling. What I would say as a parent of a ‘child’ in their mid 30’s is that actions speak louder than words and if you have an honest close relationship ship with your child try not to worry about it.

I’m curious where your parents are in this dynamic. You say they didn’t help him accept you. Do you see them? Do they see him?

So hsp personality type isn't something you diagnose. When I got counselling for this issue, the lady I was was speaking with suggested I might be recommended me a book to read about it. It resonated big time.

When it came to my sibling (don't want to call her DS) the counselor actually suggested it might be border line personality disorder. But no official diagnosis that I'm aware but she has those traits and it was terribly toxic and painful to be around.

My parents see us both separately. When I confronted my sibling, she cut them off too initially. I got the blame for tearing the family apart when I pulled her up on her behaviour even though when I told them I was going to do so they agreed it had to come from me. Must admit I don't know my parents well. They never bothered to understand me either so my needs weren't met. Childhood emotional neglect. It's a formal relationship I have with parents. I have accepted it is what it is. They would never see things my way.

My teen pulled away from us as many do at that age but she's already come back to us. I would like to think my DCs feel safe at home and can be themselves. I like to encourage debate from them both. Feel free to challenge us, respectfully. I'm proud of my kids and hope that I broke the mould in time to nourish their start in life best I could.

My sibling doesn't have kids and treated nearly adult dc as a plaything when she was an infant . Constantly winding her up. It was a relationship that lacked boundaries. Much like my start in life. Sibling talked shit about us(me and dp) and her unborn sister to dc to drive that wedge. Which makes me think she would be try again.

Explain your concerns if you can.

That estranged sibling would try to start a relationship with nearly adult DD. We have been estranged since she was 5 years old. She was besotted with her but looking back I felt it was odd.

If I gave DD a row (usually because she was wound up by my sibling) sibling would cry on her behalf. In my counselling sessions I mentioned this and they said it was projection. I'm not sure if how much more I can explain.

Sibling is influential and DP and I feel like DD could be easily influenced if she were to try and strike up at relationship again.

I wouldn’t mention anything, I’m sure if your sister wanted to get in touch with your kids she would have done already, being 18 means nothing she’d have been j. Touch on social media. If she does contact, just guide them through their questions..