Ending a 10-year relationship by text after feeling afraid

[ZingyPeachOP]

I made a huge decision to finish with my partner of 10 years. Whenever i have tried to communicate with him i have never been able to say how i feel as ge shouts over me, constantly butts in, says my feelibgs are rubbish or all in my head so for the reason of being able to say what i had to say in full without interuptions i decided to text him it was over and the reasons why. I kept the message respectful and explained that i have had to do it by text otherwise i would never get to say my reasons. After i sent the message he called me and left me a very abusive voice message. Half an hour later hes banging aggressively at my front door i didnt answer but after about 5 mins of him banging my neighbours come out of their front door ro see what was going on. I could hear the neighbour say whats going on. He quickly walked off and all evening i was recieveing messaged from him
1.calling me a coward for not doing it face to face and
2 embarrassing him infront of my neighbours by not answering the door
He was saying that i had made him out to look like a bad person and that i was the innocent one sitting in my house not answering the door so neighbours would feel sorry for me and he would look bad
I tried to explain in a message back that i sent message because otherwise i wouldnt of been able to say anything and i didnt answer the door because i was scared to after the abusive voice messages i said to him his actions caused the neighbour to come out if he hadnt of come to my house and knocking aggressively the neighbour wouldnt of come out. He said he wasnt going to leave it til i tell him face to face that its over so i called him and tried to say it over the phone but he was screaming at me and so i put the phone down. Ge kept messaging me that i was a disrepectful coward so i blocked him. I have just found out he is now telling people that after 10 years i finished with him over text (but not explaining why i did that) and that he went to mine to sort it out and i left him standing on the doorstep and the neighbour came out and made him look stupid. (He didnt tell them he was bashing on my front door and sent me abusive angry voice messsges) im so hurt by this what should i do

Honestly OP, are you surprised? It sounds like he has behaved exactly as you expected him to do. Well done for finishing the relationship, doing it in the best possible way (for you), and not giving way.

Do you think that therapy would help you to explore the reasons why you stayed in this relationship for so long?

Tell people he’s an angry man and you’re afraid of him. Inform the police that he’s hammering at your door and you’re afraid.

Thank your neighbour for stepping in and ask them to call the police if they see it again.
Call the police yourself if he turns up.

Are you able to get a ring type doorbell?

You made a good choice.

If you're the person who posted a month or two ago about him, WELL DONE! Now please keep yourself safe whether that means contacting the police or other organisations for advice and support and consider doing a Claire's law request. Keep him blocked.

Well done, you had to do this.
You don't need to persuade him or anyone else of your reasons.
Don't even try, it's a waste of your time.

Next thank your neighbour and think about doing the women's aid freedom programme.

Read Mel Robbins book on the theory 'let them'
and just let him
let him say what he wants, you did the right thing FOR YOU, nobody else's business

I would have not even responded. Surely, this is exactly the behaviour you’d expect from someone who is clearly such a twat. I would have called the police when he was at my door. Honestly, I might send one last message saying never to contact me again and if he does, report him to the police for harassment. You certainly have plenty of evidence. Can you stay with a friend for a few days to have a break?

He is your ex partner so no longer your problem.

Just make sure you are safe and do not let him in your house. Him telling people you finished with him by text - anyone with any sense will understand why you did that, if you are ever challenged on it by someone you can quietly say you were afraid of his reaction. It’s not their business.

But I think the main thing here is to ensure you stay safe. It may sound ridiculous but there have been so many cases of jealous exes setting houses alight that I would take the precaution of blocking your letterbox so he can’t chuck a petrol-soaked rag through it and ensuring proper house security. Do you have any friends or family who can stay with you and help protect you or who you could stay with for a few days?

He is angry because he is not in control of this situation…you are. Do not back down. You are a free person, not his possession. The neighbour has seen how he behaves - this was his fault and his behaviour, not your fault.

You did the right thing because what’s the point in doing it in person?
This man does noting for you. I was on your last thread - you pay for everything, he does not support you in any way and he is nasty.
For someone who called you a drama queen what does it make him?
And for anyone he’s telling his woes to, what do they really think?
I find banging so hard the neighbours can hear is very concerning.
I think he’s dangerous and to be quite honest if he came near you or your home again I’d ring the police.
I would get a non molestation order as well.
Your neigbours have already seen his temper.
Please don’t give in to meeting with him. It’s about control not love.

Report to the police via 101 to let them know he is scaring you. They will put a flag on your address to come quickly if you or neighbours need to call the police if he returns.

Well done on dumping him, block him, and don’t be afraid to tell the truth if anyone asks why you’ve broken up. He’s an abusive twat.

Well done finishing it. You chose the right way and he behaved as badly as you thought he would.
Can you go away for the weekend to get a breather?

'' im so hurt by this what should i do''

Take the excellent advice on this thread and get some support and advice for yourself from the police and DV organisations. You are no longer in a relationship with him. Its not surprising he's bad mouthing you to other people, he's trying to hoover you back in.

And absolutely don’t feel hurt- he’s a prick. You are well rid. Anyone who believes what he says is an idiot whose opinion isn’t worth hearing.

You are very brave for taking this step, well done. His actions are only proving that you did the right thing. Do not agree to meet him face to face.

Phone the police and get a ring door bell for your safety.

you need to make sure you tell people in real life what happened - family, friends, neighbours- so that they know to be cautious of his behaviour. What he tells people doesn’t matter, believe me they’ll be seeing straight through his lies

but you do need to protect yourself. He is aggressive and abusive and that can create danger for you.

if he comes again, call the police or 101. Don’t be afraid to protect yourself, and don’t pretend that he wouldn’t escalate.

If he continues report him to the police for harassment. Do not engage with him further.

Ring the police and log everything.

Tell them how afraid you are of him.

Do it every time he bothers you.

Stop engaging. Report to 101
Tell everyone the truth. Do not cover for him. Get a ring doorbell. Start working on yourself. Best of luck.

The only reason he feels he looked stupid was due to his behaviour. No point in trying to talk to him again. Call the police if he comes back to harass you.

Keep him blocked 🚫 forever and report. It doesn’t matter what he’s telling people he’s gone ! Out of your life!! You’re free!! Install the cameras though

You did the right thing. He sounds like an abuser. Agree with PPs about contacting the police, getting support from Women’s Aid and also asking those around you to keep an eye out.

Also agree with PP - you were very brave.

Hi OP.

I have some questions to ask - don't answer them on here, but do think about the answers as that will help you work out what to do next.

We know that the point of leaving is the point of highest risk and you are in the process of leaving him, so you are currently at higher risk than you have been before. This requires planning so you know what you'll do in certain scenarios.

When did you text him it is over? Last night?
Was it last night that he came round?
Has he been back round today - so far?
Do you think he will come back tonight?
Does he have a key? (Assuming not but you never know.)
Does he know where you work and might he show up there?
Might he follow you and jump out?
Is he likely to stop at this, or do you think there will be more to come? You know him..

I am not convinced that this is it yet. I think he is going to use tactics to get at you - nicey nicey and then change to scary, being somewhere he knows you will be, getting others to play flying monkeys to convince you to speak to him.

I'm wondering if you would be best seeing a DV solicitor and getting a non-molestation order set up and served on him, whereby he is not allowed to contact you or he will be arrested.

If you don't want to do that, then -
Have your phone close at hand when you are out and about.
Get to safety if possible, if not ring 999 if he jumps out at you and is scary, and do not wait to be asked, give them your location immediately in case he dashes the phone.
Keep messages from him in case you need to show them as evidence.
But do not answer his calls, or any strange calls from his new mobiles.
Do not try to get him to understand, because that is you holding the door open to more abuse. Do not respond or write back at all. It is a game of tennis now, and you do not need to encourage him by hitting shots back that he can then respond to.

What you're looking to do is let days go by with no contact, enforced by you if necessary, whereby the temperature of things will go down.

You would be best to make a police report as well, in case you suddenly need to ring 999, your name and the info will be readily available to them. They might also visit him and warn him off, which if he stuck by it, would be really helpful.

Have a think about these things.

Then for your own head and mental state, find a way to talk all this through. I use a journal where I can write to my hearts content and get it all out. You have coped with a lot and been through a lot and it deserves to be talked about and thought through.

Keep us posted xxx

Tell the police via 101 he's been hammering on your door & harassing you via message and that you feel afraid. As others have said, take steps to ensure your safety. Block him on everything and DO NOT INTERACT at all.

You've done exactly the right thing so don't doubt yourself. Don't worry about what he's telling people, their opinions don't matter. What matters is keeping yourself safe. I agree with others to report his behaviour to police on 101 so that it's logged, they can put a flag on your address so if there's further reports, they can react quickly.

Is your home secure? Do you have a ring doorbell? If not, get one so if he turns up, his behaviour will be recorded. Keep him blocked on your phone. Would you feel safer if a friend or family member came to stay for a couple of nights? Or going to stay somewhere else?

Look after yourself lovely 💐 and don't hesitate to call 999 if you're scared - it's better to be safe than sorry x

tell the police.

he will try some more tricks. this isn’t over yet.
a woman is at her most vulnerable when she tells a guy to go. thats you now.

tell the police you are scared and the neighbours are witnesses.

be very very careful. be aware of your surroundings and preferably accompanied when you leave the house at all times. hes not nice. expect him to not give up his whipping boy easily. prepare for his threats of suicide (ignore) and manipulation (ignore).