I (30F) was with my ex (34M) for nearly 6 years and we lived together for 5.
At the beginning of the year, we had a discussion (initiated by me) about how we should be ready to get engaged this year. He agreed, bought the ring, planned the proposal, booked the venue, etc. Then, one night before the planned proposal, he told me he couldn't do it. He said that because I'd been in a bad mood too often over the years, he couldn't actually be with me anymore and wanted to break up.
That evening, we had gone out for dinner. For reasons partly related to him (he hadn't told me if he will have time for dinner with me or if I should plan something on my own... which anyhow happened a lot over the years) and partly completely unrelated to him, I was a bit moody, distant and cold. According to him, my behaviour that evening pushed him end things. He said that I'd been like that too often throughout our relationship. I always apologised and promised I would change, but in his view I never actually did.
We had some bigger arguments early on in the relationship, but for the last 2 years I genuinely believed we were a really stable and happy couple. We talked seriously about getting married and starting a family. We both have demanding jobs, with very long hours on his part and a lot of travel on my part. Most of the arguments we had in the last few years came from me asking him to spend more time with me, work less, etc. I guess I was being too needy or nagging.
In the weeks leading up to the breakup, we spent what I genuinely believed was really nice time together. He didn't seem emotionally or physically distant at all. There was nothing that made me think he was having such huge doubts about us.
On the night of the breakup, I left to stay with my family because I was in such a state of shock. Since the breakup, we've mainly spoken about logistics because I had to move out of our flat. We also had one longer conversation about what happened (initiated by me), and he basically repeated what I've written above. He said I'd been too difficult over too many small things and that we couldn't work long-term. He also said that until that night of the break-up he had believed we could overcome these issues, and then suddenly he didn't anymore, so he told me straight away. He has always struggled to talk openly about his emotions... I guess that's the reason he never really brought up those issues before in a constructive way. By the time he finally did, I guess the only solution he could see was leaving the relationship.
I guess the problem was also that outside work and the relationship he didn't really do much else... His work was super long hours (he basically never really came home before 8-9pm) and then I wanted to spend time with him on the weekends. I have quite some of my own hobbies / friends, and have actively encouraged him to also do things on his own but he didn't really pick it up. We often saw friends together though.... I don't know.
Since the breakup, I've been going through absolute hell. I won't go into all the details, but I feel so regretful and guilty that I basically ruined this relationship. I know I wasn't a perfect partner. I know there were many times when I should have been more appreciative of him and shown him better how much he meant to me. At the same time, I also believe I was kind in many ways and showed through many actions (and also words) how much I cared about him.
My friends and family are quite angry at him for leaving me so abruptly. I guess that even if he hypothetically apologised and regretted his decision (which is I guess impossible, as there's been no indication of that), I'm not sure I could forgive the way he ended things. It's now been almost a month since the break up and we haven't talked in more than 2 weeks.
I guess my real question is: how do you survive something like this and move on with your life? I'm going to therapy, trying to see friends and family, and doing everything people recommend, but I'm in agony most of the time. I almost feel like this is my karma and will never be happy again...