Finally ended it, need a handhold for next steps

[midlifenewlife]

Hi,

I have posted on here numerous times before under different names. I have NC as frankly I am ashamed I let this go on for way too long.

I have finally called it quits on my relationship of 8 years. It has ended previously, once properly (for a few months, moved out etc) and other occasions for shorter periods where no moving etc has happened.

its not all been bad, hence I’ve stuck it out so long, gone back etc. but overall it’s not good.

I do believe there is abusive behaviour and have been questioning narcissistic behaviour too.

trying to blame me, twisting the truth etc. trying to make me think there is something mentally wrong with me. But I’ve taken a real step back and realised I don’t deserve any of this and the problem definitely isn’t me.

So I’ve done it. He still needs to move out so I’m living in this horrible limbo stage right now. I have some bits I really need to do for work and study with deadlines of next week. Once they are done this will become my main focus to get this all sorted. I am dreading how it’s going to go. He’s not going to make it easy for me, or leave quietly.

just need that moral support. I have lots of IRL support too, but I also don’t want to keep banging on about it to them all so felt I could create my own little safe space here to do that.

Firstly congratulations on finding the strength to end it, I know from bitter experience how hard it is with a relationship like that.

Do you have any suspicion that he could become physically abusive? Even just hints of aggression, blocking your exit etc? If so then you really need professional support to leave this man safely. If you genuinely don’t believe that’s a possibility then grey rock is your friend. Disconnect yourself completely, don’t get drawn in to any discussion and just take each day as it comes, planning your next step and making things happen behind the scenes until you’re free. You will have doubts and you’ll no doubt start to remember the happy times more than the sad, so keep your eye on the end goal.

It took me many years to feel 100% that I’d made the right choice, but I can honestly say that now I have no regrets, and the person I am now would not tolerate the treatment I received at his hands back then. You can do it.

Don’t be ashamed it’s not your fault and breaking free isn’t straightforward, you are strong and courageous, you have just proved that, use that new found strength to get out there and live your life, be happy, and reserve your love for someone who deserves it and will reciprocate. Go girl! 🤞

I don’t think he will become physical. as he knows people are aware of the situation and he knows I wouldn’t hesitate to call police if needed.

I am currently in grey rock territory and I am sorting things for me. Money, plans with kids, house, friends etc. to get all my ducks in a row.

it’s so hard but I absolutely know this has to happen this time and I really don’t want to go backwards.

thanks for your input and hand hold, it’s really helpful to hear others have been in the same situation and managed to do it.

Thank you so much for this I feel the opposite of all these things right now.

Give it time, you’ll be alright, just keep your chin up 💪

Just adding my voice to say Yes, it’s hard to do, but stay strong and keep going. Don’t look back.

I had to try several times, getting pulled back each time when he promised he’d change and things would be different in future. I knew he wouldn’t change! but I kept feeling sorry for him. Finally I understood that you have to make a decision, carry it out and refuse to be sidetracked or pulled back.

The reward was instant! To my surprise, I never felt any sadness or sympathy or regrets. Just the joy and relief, huge relief, of having ended the relationship. It felt as if I’d gone out and taken a deep breath of fresh air after a long time in a small and stuffy room.

I think you may need to keep stressing the point until he gets it.
My brother didnt move back out of my flat until i kept pressing on with it.

This has been me. Several times and even the 1 time we did separate. I always hoped for the change and the better days. And now I am still here, still hoping years later.

so it’s time for things to be better. And for me to move away from what is not good for me. Even though it hurts to do it. I need to put myself first now. And my kids but they are more grown now.