Boyfriend kissed someone else and arranged sex, would you stay?

[IndiaVirgo]

I need some advice please.
It’s my first proper relationship (6 yrs), and we both live with his parents as we are saving to buy a house.
We went away recently, made friends, and got drunk.
I found out after we came home that my bf had kissed one of the girls whilst I was off dancing with the other girls. It gets worse.
He arranged to meet her for sex when they were both sober. I think it only didn’t happen as he wouldn’t have been able to come up with a good enough excuse to leave me on my own. He admitted all this when we got home and I don’t know what to do. Stupidly, still love him but he’s betrayed me. He said he was sorry and can’t explain why he did this and keeps saying he doesn’t deserve me and gets upset. One side of me wants to run from him but I don’t really have anywhere to go, and the other side wants to forgive and still have the future we’d planned together. WWYD?

Is this what he does when he's drunk? Will he be sober forever? He may have done this before and gone through with it because it was easier in another situation. You will really never trust him again the way you did, every time he has a few drinks you will wonder what might have happened and he may be tempted even when sober. Big re-evaluation necessary.

You think it only didn’t happen because he wouldn’t be able to find an excuse to leave you alone… that itself is sad. Are neither of you ever allowed alone time do you always have to be together? I mean if he has freedom you now know exactly what he’d do with his!! Leave him

Leave, take your share of the savings and go. He likely thought you’d find out another way, the tears and self pity are just an act to manipulate you. They always seem genuine at the time, don’t fall for it.

I’d also strongly suggest that you work on your boundaries, if you are even considering settling for this you need to work on yourself before considering another relationship.

Take your savings and go. Buy something on your own name and never change that position. The most important thing for women is financial independence and the second is ensuring you have good boundaries.

If you had a daughter and she came to you with this problem, what would you advise her?
Run for the hills no doubt!
Do your future self a favour, and leave asap.
Cheaters never change their spots.
It may seem insurmountable right now, but starting a new life without him is the only thing you can do, don’t let him treat you like this, he’s a cheating, lying piece of shit, you deserve so much better!
Sending you hugs, please keep posting on here if you don’t have real life support.

This.

I imagine the other girl has probably threatened to tell you - why else would he come clean.

Take whatever you put into the joint savings (including the proportion of interest you’ve earned) and to quote Mumsnetters LTB.

You deserve better.

Do you even need to ask? LTB.

You shouldn't need to ask! Leave him, he's not worth any more of your time.

I could never forgive this. Id be planning to find a place of my own and move out. He will make a terrible husband and father and you'll never be able to trust him.

Kindly OP, if you stay you’re showing him you’re a doormat he can walk over. You will never trust him, he will do it again and by that point you’ll have a mortgage together and it’ll be even harder to leave.

I’ve been in your position (and we’d bought a house together by the time I found out). I remember being devastated that I’d be losing the future I’d planned and wasting 6 years of my life but I was more scared that if it happened again I could waste even more time.

Leave him. Try to reframe this horrible situation as an opportunity. Everything worked out for me in the end, it will work out for you too!

He doesn't respect you and telling you was the only decent thing he has done here. He needs to have a consequence. He is betting on you staying with him but at the end of the day he chose to end it when he chose to kiss another person. It sucks for you but there will be someone else who will handle your heart with more care. Do not settle just because of a future plan. You owe it to yourself and your future children to meet a decent enough man to be loyal after 6 years. Sending Hugs! xx

He has had one chance and blown it.
Before it gets worse leave and count yourself lucky no matter if you love him. He does not love you.

This won’t be the first time. I would not be buying a house with him. You deserve better.

Run! Now! It will only happen again. Trust me.

No I definitely wouldn't stay. What a shitbag he is. You're fantasising about a future that doesn't exist, because you'll always be wondering what he's up to and feeling insecure. Cut your losses and get out now. Do you have family you can stay with while you look for somewhere to live?

He done this with you there, what would he do if you wasn't???

@IndiaVirgo I’m so sorry he did this. But please know your worth. You deserve much MUCH better than this creep. I have seen men like this when I was younger and believe you and me they do not change. Still creeping about and seeking fixes when married. It’ll hurt, I get that, but prioritise your own emotional and sexual safety and get out.

To answer your question - no way I'd stay! And, neither should you. Don't get sucked into thinking this kind of behavior is anything other than a huge red flag. You will not have the future together that you are imagining, you will have more and more of this kind of behaviour until your self-esteem is a distant memory and then you will stay because you won't think anyone else will have you. Sorry if that is harsh, but that is usually how these things go...

Sorry to hear this.

I would leave him.

and can’t explain why he did this

Oh God. That old chestnut 😂 Pathetic.

I can tell you why. He's an opportunist who doesn't take monogamy seriously....or rather, he expects you to be faithful, whilst he has his cake whenever there's an opportunity to taste something different.

keeps saying he doesn’t deserve me and gets upset

It doesn't mean much I'm afraid. Some people do really bad things and they will cry, scream and beg to be forgiven. Their distress might actually be genuine, but that isn't the long-term, real them. They feel and behave like that because they're having a panic - it's probably quite convenient and nice to have you in their life, and they don't want to lose that, but that doesn't mean they will treat you well. Once the dust settles, they sooner or later return to their old ways.

Also, it's worth keeping in mind that a lot of men don't leave their partners. They just slowly become shittier partners, stretching the absolute limits of what they can get away with to the point she accepts the burden and emotional responsibility of ending the relationship. They would rather make you angry and give you longterm trust issues than have to deal with a crying woman. It could be that now you're getting closer to actually setting down together, he's trying to find an exit and this is his horrible way of making you break up with you, even if he insists that's not what he wants. Women do it too, but I'm afraid men will coast along for YEARS in a relationship with a woman that they know isn't THE One, simply because it's easier and their female partner is nice to them, and provides regular sex.

Don't waste more precious years of your youth on him.

I'm sorry, but I agree. I'd get an STD test if I were you, but even if it comes clean, it doesn't mean he hasn't cheated before.