Should I contact women from my husband's chat forum to confirm the truth?

[lifespiralling]

Dh and i always had intimacy issues due to what i know now after many years of confusion due to his anxiety surrounding sex and thinking he wasnt any good. I was always willing, but felt rejected.

So last year to my shock found out he was using sex chat forum called freechatnow. I never in a million years thought he would do such a thing, told me he is faithful, and i trusted him with my life. I decided after learning things on mumsnet not to confront right away. I know bad but went on his phone middle of the night to see if i could find out more as everything was wiped by morning. He caught me one evening, and thats when he went pale, and confessed he spoke to women for 7 years. It started as he felt terrible about himself in sex department , wanted to feel good about himself then got addicted. He exchanged nudes with women too. He said he only spoke to women 2-3 times at most as he only repeated the same thing in the sex talk exchange, and they got bored. So he claims was random women.

I felt like a bomb blew up in my life. My sister passed away from cancer few months previously so felt like i was living a nightmare. I agreed to work it through provided full honestly. He immediately deleted his account as he said he felt great shame. He does not know i actually saw a few times before getting caught , and screenshot a few things. This last year ive been crying pretty much daily and feel such intense pain. I still feel in shock and not thinking clearly. Worst year of my life.

Its been a year later when it suddenly occurred to me that one of the screenshots had a friend list of 12 women including two blocked. He made a new account with a local surrounding name, think leedsguy as he forgot his password the week i was trying to find more. Then it hit me hang on, it was a new account (although been on that website for years) , but if these were only brief, insignificant conversations of only 2-3 times, why were these women saved as contacts? How did he know who to add right away back on unless he spoke to them a lot more than just 2-3 times? I feel like i did when i first found out and sick to my stomach. Is he lying about the extent of it?? He has been completely clean for one year , trying to rebuild but i told him i needed full honestly.

Here is my question. I got screenshot of their usernames and feel i need to know truth. If he is still lying, then he blew it. I dont know much about these websites, but would it be odd to message them directly as his wife?? Would they even care ? I just must know the truth but dont know what to do. Please advise

The man they chat to is the pig. It’s a hard watch as the men doing the butchery (in this documentaries case) are slaves. Of course other men will also do it.

Banks do warn about romance scams. It’s very common. 102 million lost last year according to city of London police

You may find if he’s not prepared to take the chat off the website it would dry up. I can’t remember the documentaries finer details.

But op please seek real
life support - can you access counselling?

He said they would engage in sexual talk, he would wank over what they were saying.

i dont think he sent money .

The woman would describe what she looked like at times (rather than sending pic), and he would search dirty images like perverted sluts to see if matches.

So with no pics it could be men or scammers - he may not have been scammed ofc but he may be chatting to them.

But in response to the question you posted, should you contact the women. They may not be women. There may be a mix of women, scam artists/butchers, and men. Without meeting them how would you know?

What would you hope to achieve? And if they said no we only talked - would you believe them?

Even with pics it could be a scammer - there is some incredible AI stuff now. I saw one on X with some man who used AI to turn him
into an attractive woman.

I am unsure what contacting the people will do to help you? I say this kindly btw.

Counselling and EMDR may help more. Have you told anyone in real life?

Will it though.. you’ve already shown where your bar is. You can bet your bottom dollar there’s more than he’s admitted to. Listen to your gut here. Yes you’ve had an awful year but don’t make it an awful life. You can and should do better

It just feels different to me if he spoke to the same women for years, compared with 2 or three chats then never speak
to them again. I know thats awful too, but a long term sexual engagement feels like more of a connection if that makes sense.

Respectfully, I think you are overly focusing on the wrong thing here. If he had sec talk chats multiple times and wanked over multiple women, how is that any better than if it was a few women multiple times?

He betrayed you, and your marriage. He disrespected you and your marriage. He lied to you.

Only you know if you can forgive him. I suspect (rightly) you can’t but you are scared of leaving (understandable).

This isn’t going to get better though.

I doubt the women would be helpful, it isn’t a dating site and if they have been complicit in something they won’t want outed.

If you feel you need to know, to make that last push, I do have a suggestion.

He folded pretty fast and hard when he was caught before. Show him the screenshot, say you contacted ‘her’ and know everything. Leave silence and wait for him to panic and spill. If he says ‘know what’ just look at him and say ‘you know’
Don’t falter, don’t admit you don’t know.
At best what he told you is the truth and everything would be the detail of what was said
At worst it’s a lot more.

At this point what have you got to lose

He says he feels such a weight of his shoulders, and relief he is no longer on it. He said he never enjoyed it in the end, but was addicted. The shock of me finding out stopped it. I am scared i am being played and stupid. I just dont know what to do.

Exactly as above . 👆 Sorry you have this to deal with. Just think if a friend was telling you this what would you tell them?

I understand why it might seem like different levels of things, but when it comes down to it he was breaking your trust, not prioritising you, and getting his enjoyment elsewhere. It doesn't really matter if it was longer contact or not, what matters now is if he is completely transparent about everything - shows you anything you ask to see, is completely open with his devices, and does everything he can to regain your trust. Marriage counselling if you want it.

If he doesn't do that (which is the bare minimum for repair), or tries to sweep things under the carpet, you have your answer. Either way you will never trust him in the same way again, if at all. You need to decide what you can live with, and it may take time to figure that out.

Do you really believe that OP? He hated it and just HAD to behave in this way.
He is telling you what you want to hear. If he was truly addicted he couldn’t have just stopped dead and suddenly everything is ok.

We all are addicts and have actions to our consequences. Talk to people addicted to (sorry but) real things and they will tell you part of recovery is taking accountability for their actions and making amends. Where is his accountability from this so called ‘addiction’

This reminds me of the way my manager at work says “thank you for raising this (really inconvenient issue), it’s so helpful to know this needs (significant fix), I’ve learned so much from you etc.” When what he actually means is FFS stop bringing me problems. What I mean is, it’s coming across as very insincere. Yeah he might change for a few months but he’ll likely go back to this stuff eventually because it’s how he gets off and it probably was long before you came along, hence the ongoing performance issues. If you want to stay with him, check back in a few months and see if he’s stayed “clean”.

Mostly prostitutes looking for clients. Especially if it’s local sounding names. For these women it’s a business to the punters it’s real women interested in them, delusional. Have you checked other phone apps ? Forms of payment he uses?
Don’t contact the women. Look up the usernames on other apps to see if they are SW. You are getting the tip of the iceberg story from him, the one where he is minimising his involvement. The real story will be worse unfortunately. You need to go deeper into your investigation to see what you are dealing with. Once you have the facts you may change your mind about staying with him.

He’s lying. About his reasons for doing it and about what he actually did. He lied to you for years. Sleeping soundly beside you at night and had no intention of ever telling you the truth or stopping. Of course he is going to tell you the bare minimum and completely downplay it. Think very carefully. The trust is broken but you can move on and build a better life. It just doesn’t seem like it now.

He told me it was easier to chat with women that were local as they can talk about places they know as part of their sexual fantasy.

He said he never met with anyone in person but i only have his word.

what app is this to find out they are prostitutes?

Nothing unusual with bank statements, but he could have paid via cash.

Look on X and instagram. Take whatever he says with a pinch of salt and scepticism.

You know yourself that there is only one reason that he would choose local women. You just don't want to believe it

Why are you believing what he says when he has lied to you for so long? He's made a joke of your relationship. You've been living a lie for years

Oh come on.

please go and get tested.

Op, I'm really sorry you are going through this. What a horrible thing to discover, especially the length of time its been going on! But I think he is undoubtedly lying to you.

He said he never told me as he was scared to loose me
I will rephrase this for you. He never told you because he knew what he was doing would cause you to leave. Think about the level of selfishness here. He wasn't protecting you, or your feelings, he was protecting himself. He took away your choice of whether you want to be with someone who does this by hiding it from you. I wouldn't be surprised if he has also trotted out the reason for not telling you is because he didn't want to hurt you.

He told me it was easier to chat with women that were local as they can talk about places they know as part of their sexual fantasy.
Sorry, but what? If its just meaningless sex chat with random strangers, why does their location play a part in that? God, imagine they had discussed getting it on together at the local park, and then you and he visit that park the following day. Does he get a kind of thrill or something from that? Grim. And how shit is that! There is a reason they are local women only OP, and its not so they can chat about the towns history.

He 'tried' to confide in a friend
But didn't. Theres your answer. He didn't 'try' anything. he thought about telling. friend perhaps and then decided against it.

He says he feels such a weight of his shoulders, and relief he is no longer on it.
Ah bless, thats so good for him isn't it?

He said he never enjoyed it in the end, but was addicted. The shock of me finding out stopped it.
Yes, the addiction. Its funny how so many men suddenly have an addiction to doing something so shitty and that will cause irreparable emotional harm to their partner, yet do it anyway and then totally shift the blame to it being not their fault, because it was an addiction. And he didn't enjoy it. Ok then.
The shock of you finding out stopped it? Shock to him or to you? Him I imagine. because this whole scenario is about him.
And because the whole scenario is about him, and how he was all trapped in it by addiction and didn't enjoy it, but just simply had to carry on....for years!.... despite knowing it would break you. But hey, the potential to break you was worth the risk apparantly.... because you know... addiction, one he told no one about. Again how selfish can you get? If you have an addiction (he doesnt by the way, he is just a selfish prick) that could potentially cause the person you purport to love above all else irreparable emotional harm, you seek help. Not carry it on for 7 years and hope for the best.

Sorry OP, he is still lying to you. You can try and contact those women, you never know, one of them may respond. But I think you know what their answer would be.

Whether it is online or in real life you are suffering the same kinds of things which involve your mind trying to make sense of it all, the wondering, the questioning. This is the killer with behaviour like this and it is up to you as to whether you choose this life going forward. You will never get answers which make sense. Is this how you want to live your life?

assume you’ve had 20% of the truth. Also you need to learn to be ok alone. Being so dependent on a man means you will accept terrible behaviour that an independent woman never would. Ultimately you’re living in a virtual prison with a man you don’t trust being the provider of your perceived security. Work on yourself and prioritise that over what this sleaze has been up to. Once you’ve done that you can think more clearly and I bet you’d slam him down the drain. He’s disgusting

Why do you want to stay with this loser? Cut your losses and leave. You deserve more.

Whatever the outcome he has not acknowledged the hurt he has caused you.
It is all about him.
So you’ve found out and it’s saved him? Bollocks. Men who give into these behaviours don’t give them up when caught. They have a break. And go again.
If they are real women on the site I would assume most would know the men on there were married. It wouldn’t be a shock.
I am sorry you have lost so many people but don’t cling to this idiot out of fear.
You would be far happier building a new life based around you and your children.

He's been doing this for years OP.

He won't stop.

Op you was not at the top of his list when he was talking to theses women.
Was not thinking of you when he was sending nudes.

Dont be the fall back or stand in for any man, the only thing you should be sorting out is your divorce.