all over the place - help me pull myself together...(bit long, sorry)

[ratherconcerned]

hi all,

am a regular, but have namechanged for this. am in a bit of a state, in serious need of some mumsnet wisdom here.

dh and i have been together 9 years, married for 3. we've got a beautiful ds, 11 months old. we've gone through some of the classic obstacles facing new parents - exhaustion, sleep deprivation, snappish arguments, hardly any sex etc etc! but we've generally been coping ok - we both adore our little boy, dh is a truly wonderful father and very good at sharing childcare duties, i feel very lucky on this front. we've also recently had the very fortunate position of inheriting some money, enabling us to buy a lovely house outright, which is just amazing.

so, we're out of the hard first few months of having a baby, and a fortnight ago completed on this gorgeous house, allowing us to live mortgage free - life sounds pretty good, doesn't it? problem is i'm feeling a bit miserable. dh and i both have our tempers, but lately the most minor argument turns into an all out ding dong. i am very much one for attempting to talk through problems, but in the heat of a row dh will shout and then storm out and then refuse to discuss it further. i'm learning that i have a tendency to over analyse/discuss things and while it makes me feel much better to talk problems out, to him it's just prolonging the conflict. i've coped with this until now, but over the past few days i feel like something has shifted and it's worrying me. we had a nasty row a few days ago where he said some pretty horrid things to me (I had been away for the weekend and he told me that he hadn't missed me - he later said he meant he didn't miss the silly rows not me, but this shook me up a lot). i feel our rows are always so onesided - we both lose out tempers, but i calm down quickly and try to say 'ok, let's talk about this', whereas he refuses.

once he does eventually calm down (usually the following day) he will act as if nothing has happened, and be super affectionate, will say 'sorry we had a silly row' (ie even if it's quite serious acting like it's flippant), tell me that he loves me etc etc. while i'm totally aware this is not exactly a brilliant way to communicate, it's been ok until now. but after this last row, i find myself in some ways doubting us....to add to it all (and no doubt, as a bit of a result of all this), i'm finding myself increasingly attracted to a male friend of mine and dh's who we see quite a lot. he's also married and while nothing would EVER happen between us, he had made it clear in the past he finds me attractive. i saw him the other night and since i actually haven't been able to stop thinking about him....obviously this is all tied up with the conflict between dh and i, but still, it's not great that i'm having these feelings.

has anyone overcome these kind of wobbles, or is this sounding really worrying? how can i get these thoughts out of my head? i realize that i am still in the 'babyshock'first year, but if anyone can offer any advice on how to address these communication issues, and how to stop thinking about this other man, i'd really appreciate it! xxx

I think you have had a lot of upheaval in the last year and now you have moved into the new house you could both be feeling the pressure of the last year. Often when we are in the midst of a stressful situation we cope well and only when its over do we allow ourselves to really feel it.
Have you talked to him about how you feel about the arguments and the things he says to you when things are calm? Its never good to discuss things in the midst of or straight after a row. Would he consider counselling.
As for the other man DON'T GO THERE. Please. Its not worth it. You admit you are mainly feeling like this because of your problems with your dh. The grass is not greener, believe me.
I'm sure someone will come along in a minute and say it all much better than me. They usually do

Don't know if it would help, but it sounds like you just have quite different personalities in this one area, and if you could understand why he doesn't want to talk, it might help. Suggest you both do the on-line Myers-Briggs test? I found this hugely useful in translating the afternath of disagrements with my dh: he is "feeling judge" whereas I am "thinking perceptive" so I have to work through the logic of it all and understand it, he needs to have a blow and a vent and not analyse it...and it doesn't mean there is much wrong with us as a couple, although at times I don't get it and worry too much (got a thread hanging around about just that this week). Just sounds kind of like your case, is all.

Hi ratherconcerned,

Please don't think that any of this is really worrying. DH & I went through a stage exactly like this when our DS1 was 12 months old. We went on a swanky holiday and, on the last night, had a row so hideous, I ended up walking out of our apartment at 11pm and getting a room in a nearby hotel. (I was so upset when I arrived, the hotel gave me the room for free! )

Also, I seem to have a mental list of "Men I should Have Married" that only comes out when I'm not getting on with DH, and I've had intense thoughts about them from time to time. I don't think it means anything, except you don't feel cherished by your DH.

How dis his family handle confrontation? You might find that they play down arguments and don't have the (healthy) de-briefing bit afterwards, whereas in your family that was the norm. That's the only bit of your post that concerned me, as it must be awful to live with someone like that, because you'd end up having the same row a billion times cos it never gets fixed at the source.

I'm not really being much help, but just wanted you to know that we went through the exact same thing but somehow it got fixed and we've gone on to have 5 more equally miserable years together!

Hi guys,

Thanks so much for your responses, just reading them makes me feel a bit better.

ginnedup, you're definitely right about how one copes with upheaval and then when it's over stuff comes to the fore. as for the other man, i wouldn't dream of doing anything (and i'm sure, neither would he!) his wife is also very good friend of mine, and i'd never want to risk our friendship or our own marriages. it's just that there is an attraction between us, there has been for some time, and just lately i've been thinking about him a hell of a lot.

Alfreda, I've never heard of this test and it could be really positive i'm sure.

Beautiful - lol at the free hotel room, though i'm sure it seemed anything but funny at the time! Your words are so encouraging, it's brilliant to know that you got through it. Interestingly, his family are the ones that bicker and I never saw my parents row, but as a personality I like to talk a lot about people, feelings and relationships etc, whereas he has a tendency to bury his head in the sand when it comes to difficult matters. On another note, how did you rid yourself of 'intense thoughts' you've felt for other men, or did they just fade over time?