What makes a good female friend?

[Countingthegreyhairs]

After years of not having many female friends, I'm now lucky enough to have established a few really good friendships.
It's really great!

Trouble is, despite being in my forties this is fairly new to me (always been suspicious of female friends because of a bad experience at school!!) and I don't really know what the "rules" are.

So what makes a good female friend?

Perhaps I'm over-analysing this but beyond
always trying to reciprocate in terms of time and effort I'm not really sure what I 'should' be doing ....any advice please ... I'm out of practice!!

cake.
wine.
chat.

you probably are over analysing.

Friends are friends whether they are male or female.

They should be people you feel comfortable with, someone you can have a laugh with and a cry with.

Sir Digby that sounds good!

And Batters yes. I like whittering and whitterers!!! Agree about being genuinely interested.

MMmm Purlease. Not sure I am at the "crying with" stage yet tbh (wouldn't even do that with my sisters!!) but I'm an emotionally retarded stip upper lip type

Being open and honest is important though because you can always tell when people are pretending to be something they are not ...

I don't think friendship has any hard and fast rules - different situations develop with different people. Just relax, enjoy it and trust your instincts

Agree I should probably relax about it Cyteen but the fact that there aren't any hard and fast rules is the reason I am worrying about getting it "wrong" tbh!!

It's a tricky balance between not being too intrusive but not being too aloof either ...

Cake.
Wine.
Chat.
Chocolate

and not sleeping with your bloke

Someone who trusts you with their secrets in that you won't even tell your oh.

RR - ditto. Have a friend that brings yummy lasanga with her when shes knows I'm up to my eyeballs with my baby.

Thanks for responses.

Think I can just about restrain myself from sleeping with my friends' husbands
so sorted there Kimi!! Agree about the strategic importance of chocolate ...

RubyR - mmm, that's a really good list - so true about not giving advice except when specifically solicited, and about the berating dh thing, and children thing and of course loyalty. Your casserole friend sounds lovely!

sorry x post Bunni

yes, discretion is a big one ...

okay - the crying bit comes quite a bit down the line but wine from the outset essential

I usually regret the wine bit nowadays Purlease - usually when dd is shaking me at 5.20 am the morning after saying "I'm hungry"

So how far do all your friendships go (if you don't mind me asking)?

-I have close friends I could ring up in a crisis (mainly long-term friends of my dh and myself) but to be honest with my female friends we are people who are happy to see one another on a regular basis, whinge about problems at our dcs school, exchange info, go out for the occasional lunch perhaps a concert or theatre etc but that's about as far as it goes ...

... yours all sound a bit more intimate but maybe it's an age thing ...??

Hmmm - friends for a crisis. That would be long-term friends as well. Mainly the couple I still keep in touch with that I've known since childhood. Although in a crisis I'd probably rely more on my oh or my mum (one of my best friends that I can tell anything to).

Have two very close friends that have children that I would go for a drink with about once or twice a month where we can have a good girlie gossip away from prying ears. One would my age (the lasanga one), the other is 22 years older than me and my surrogate aunty that I've known from a kid. Would count her as a good friend as she has been there for me in the past when I've had probs with dp.

Have other casual friends that I would meet up for a coffee and chat now and again but feel it harder to maintain these days as I now have ds and they don't have children.

Agree with Ruby R.

Yes children make friendships difficult to maintain simply because of time and timing issues. That's really why I've recently had a big friend "change about" iyswim and my single friends with the exception of a few really special ones) have been replaced with other mothers which makes me sad but it just happened ....

I also have a surrogate auntie type BeachBunni (well, despite my advanced yrs she's my surrogate mother really) although we only see one another sporadically!

It's just hard to make time for work, home, children, extended family and then friends ....

that last list was in no particular order of importance by the way!!

OK - in summary then (thanks all!) - what makes a good friend is the ability to:

• help you consume copious quantities of cake, wine, chocolate and casseroles
• make you feel good
• make you laugh
• make you feel comfortable (even why crying on shoulder)
• be discreet
• immediately forget the horrible things you say about your dh but sympathise whilst they are being said
• look after dc when in need
• lend you clothes
• offer honest opinions but only when asked for
• listen to endless whitter and to whitter endlessly in return

I've just thought of another - to be reliable and not cancel pre-arranged get togethers too often at last minute ...

oh and to be forgiving if you can't quite manage all the above all of the time!!