i think that the row i had with parents yesterday was a catalyst...

[whitebeachesandcoconutoil]

some of you may have seen on chat yesterday that i had a big row with my parents over my dh and sister.
but do you know i think the real reason i am so upset is because they have always always taken her side and i think now the time has come that i have actually had enough.
my sister is ahorrible devious person who has always said she wants to be mum and dads favourite.
when we were younger my mum used to look at me and say you are not as pretty as your sister, look at your legs they have a gap at the top your sister has good legs and on and on.
my dad once ,was offered an egg sandwich by me and he said no, my sister came in and ofeered and he said yes , iasked him why he said no to me and his answer-cos you were gonna make it.
i got married at 18 to someone i did love but my sister wanted him and on our wedding night my dad had to pull him off my husband trying to french kiss him saying she was drunk.my ex and i tried for many years to have a baby thru ivf etc and she had 2 babies with 2 different men both times coming and asking us to have them /adopt them only to change her mind and then dump them with their fathers after a coupl eof years.
my ex and i then split up after she gave him a blowjob and he boasted about it to me and so the next day i left him and di not speak to her again.
i met my now dh and we did have a rough start but he loves me and i love him and miraculously we conceived our lo on new years eve in paris.
after i had my lo i tried to put aside all the differences with my family and just get on with it but do you know i feel like i have been let down by my family my parents are forever saying that my sister must be ill and so to just ignore her and to just accept the way she is .but yet they are now refusing to acknowledge my husband cos he dared to tell my sister that he did not like her when she behaved badly and now my poor little man will not see his grandparents.
i know i should just get on with it but i feel so empty,raw and sad thatare being like this. i am so sorry i know this is very long and rambling but its all out now

if i were you i would get some counselling to deal with what's happened. You can't change them so just focus on yourself and your own family. Sounds like your sis is seriously insecure...don't get dragged down by them.

i don't see my family and it's very very hard to come to terms with, even if it's your choice...it takes time to come to terms with so be patient with yourself. x

That's a really sad story for you.....think some counselling would be a good idea as talking about these things always helps - especially to people that aren't involved.

Remember though, you have a new family now, your family is your DH and LO. Your DC won't suffer from not seeing their grandparents.....its their loss....concentrate on your own family.

Good luck and I hope you find peace with your decision x

i too hope i can find peace i just cannot beleive that it is like this but when i look on mumsnet ther are so many people in similar situations.
you know what stuns me is that no matter how bad my sister is my parents defnd her or excuse her behaviour .now i am a parent i understand the un conditional love etc but i do not understand ignorance and favouritism and you just forget the bad things your ister has done cos she is ill but oh your husband is bad and so he not welcome or intheir words we can never look or speak to him again - for what -defnding me i am just stunned

I can't tell you what to do, but I will say that you are allowed to stop contact with your parents if you want to. I haven't spoken to my father for 13 years, in that time I've had 3 dc's. They haven't met him, they are vaguely aware that he exists but they just accept it when I say that he isn't a very nice man. Tbh, I still have times when it hurts and a tv/film scene with father and daughter is almost guaranteed to make me cry. However I know that it was the right thing to do. For years I felt like one of those old fashioned fairground dolls that you bash with a hammer and it keeps popping up. My father did hurtful things time and time again and I kept thinking I had to put up with it because he was my dad - one day I realised that I didn't. I don't regret cutting him out of my life for one moment.

Have you spoken to them since they said they never wanted to see your DH again?

To be perfectly honest I think you are better off without visiting them if they cannot understand why your DH stuck up for you. If they don't even try and empathise with you, then just forget about the trip.

You need to focus on the good in your life, your DH and DS. I would also not bother with your sister.

Sorry if it sounds harsh, but you have been so hard done to by these people, you don't need the grief! I agree counselling would be a good idea.

Scanner - you could be me! My fathre has never seen my dc, (my eldest is 15) and never will. All i can say is - if these people were NOT related to you, would you go out of you way to see them? If the answer is no, then don't. Just because they are related to you, does not always mean unconidtional love. Sometimes it just means that they know how to hurt you the most.

lizzylou no have not spoken to them since and tbh am not sure i want to at the minute.
on a positive note i have managed to get a late deal in cornwall in a bungalow for 250 pounds instead of 690 so i am just concentrating on that for now.
i guess it is like a grief you know- i am just absolutely stunned that my momwas so venomous when i said well we perhaps won't come and she just said fine we don't even know if we can look/speak to him again. get this everyone else gets to stay at their house aunts a,uncles ,brother sister we always have to rent someowher cos they never have the space!

I would also suggest counselling for your own self. You have come from a toxic family.

Your parents (your Mother in particular) showed overt favouritism towards your other sister when younger and now their tactic has backfired on them badly. And now they are saying to you that she must be ill and to ignore the way she is!!. Your parents by saying that have abdicated all responsibility. Your ill treatment at the hands of these toxic parents has left the two of you sisters very unhappy as adults for very different reasons. There also seems to have been the "divide and conquer" behaviour commonly seen in dysfunctional/toxic families because you two sisters were set against each other by your parents.

I honestly do not think your own son will miss out, he does not need such people in his life. Nor do you.

Would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward as a starting point together with reading the "well we took you to stately homes" thread on these relationship pages. Do consider posting on there too, you will receive good counsel.

don't feel sorry for your DS. It doesn;t sound like they did your self-esteem much good growing up and your DS shouldn;t be subjected to that either. Does your DH have lving parents? Does DS see them? Do you have any other members (aunts uncles etc) who might sympathise and give you some moral support and sense of family?

my DS doesn;t see my father either. It would be nicer for him to have a lovely grandfather but that was scuppered by my father being a prize git not by me choosing not to take DS to see him!

that is truly an awful story.
all the earlier stuff, perhaps there were excses, reaons whatever. but if your sister had any sexual contact with your husband, that isunforgivable. and unless it was full on rape, (which it wasnt) then the least your parents can do is take your side on thsi.
will your ds gain anything by being around these toxic people? i dont think so.

thankyou again ALL of you for your help and support it really is helping me. i have today written my parents a letter stating exactly how i feel and how i feel that they are very biased towards my sister and that unless they recant on their feelings towards my dh then they may as well consider that they have no daughter and grandchild and i havwe also said tht even if they wer to apologise i really do not think it is a good time to visit it will have for another time i know it is all the right thing to do but i just feel so so sad and when i took my lo to playgroup there was aman there who reminded me of my dad and i am embarresed to say i actually cried.

Why be embarrassed....it is very sad, and at the end of the day, they are still your parents who have hurt you very badly and it is obviously still very raw.

I have a very on/off relationship with my mum that my DH is in amazement with, as he would just cut her off....but it is hard and he does support me.

Writing it down is a good thing....do go and see your GP....I've had counselling before and it is very liberating. Honestly.

Take care x